World Series Update

While you were watching game 2 of the World Series on Thursday night, I was "working" on Friday afternoon. My co-worker continues to attempt to keep me informed about the games. He passes along updates from mlb.com. Sometimes they don't make sense.

Him: 4-2 in the bottom of the 9th.
Me: Good, the Phillies are winning.
Him: No, the Phillies are losing.
Me: I think the game is in Florida? There wouldn't be a bottom of the 9th if the Phillies were losing.
Him: Oh, well... um... let me check.
Me: Yeah, you do that.
Him: It's the top of the 9th. You were right.

Don't you forget it, young Kiwi male! The American girl is always right.

Another note about work on Friday -- I assumed work drinking would be canceled because it was NZ's Labour Day Weekend. Who wants to stay late at the office when a 3-day holiday weekend awaits? The Kiwis, that's who!! The office fridge was cleared out to make room for beer at 11:17am. I got nervous when 4:00 rolled around and no one had yet made a move, but the Kiwis didn't let me down. 12th Floor Drinkie Friday was in full swing by 4:30pm.

Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

True or false? These are beautiful flowers. In New Zealand, the correct answer is "false." These arum lilies grow like weeds and are regarded as.... weeds. They are a thorn in the side of Kiwi gardeners. A woman at work almost had a coronary when her British daughter-in-law wanted to include these pests in her bridal bouquet.

Do I see any difference between these arum lilies and the calla lilies that Americans pay a premium for at the florist? No.

Lost & Found

This email message was sent out to the entire office this morning:

"Hi - If anybody lost a shoe coming back from the gym yesterday, it is outside the wine loft."

WHERE AM I?? Does the office really have a dedicated wine loft? Is it possible to lose a shoe without realizing it? I suppose this depends how long you've spent at the wine loft.

Newsflash, Part XIII

The Kiwis are in danger of becoming extinct. Visit New Zealand now before it is too late! Young Kiwi male, how are we supposed to have cute Kiwi babies if your sperm count continues to drop? The articles states there is nothing to worry about "as long as a man takes care of the things he can prevent - like smoking, drinking, or smoking marijuana." Thus, I have no hope for the future of this country.

(The reader comments on this news article are pretty funny too. I swear the "Maureen" who left a comment is NOT me.)

Gluteus Maximus

If you think Dawn and I will ever run out of bad jokes about "going up Butt Street," you are sorely mistaken, my friend! (Pun intended.)

The street name is very apropos. I know it is hard to believe, but I promise you that every street in Wellington is uphill both ways. I have not grown accustomed to this. I am exhausted; the lactic acid is coursing through my muscles. Even the brief "downhill" periods are steep and taxing. You really have to engage the quads so as to avoid tumbling head over heels down the hills. I initially thought this mountain-climbing would make me trim, but I now think it is building up a badonkadonk that doesn't want to fit in my pants. Well, that and all the TimTams I've been eating...

I would hate to turn into a stereotype. Consider this conversation I was peripherally involved in about a co-worker's body (like I said, nothing is off-limits at the office).

Girl: J. is hot.

Boy: She is pretty, but she has such a big ass.

Girl: Yeah, she does have a big American ass.

Boy: I can't believe you said that! Maureen is American!

Girl: You know what I mean... a big black American ass.

Boy: That's not any better! I'm practically black! [He is Indian] And Maureen voted for Obama!

Girl: It's okay. I'm half and half.

Boy: But you're not half black! Or half American!

Today at work, I was asked to sort 6 cases of chocolate bars (don't even ask) and someone commented that the only person who could eat 6 cases of chocolate bars in one sitting would be an American. Cool it, Kiwis! You're gonna give a girl a complex!

The pictures below show a variety of steep staircases and paths that make the buns burn. You'll notice that some resourceful/lazy Wellingtonians have installed cable cars leading from the street to their homes. I'm a little jealous of these cable cars, but a closer look reveals their dangers. There is no mistaking the international symbol for "this thing will crush you."

Go Phils!

It was a classic coming of age tale. I dedicated the summer of 1993 to following the Phillies on their road to the World Series. I knew every detail about every player. We subscribed to the pay-channel PRISM so I could watch all the games. I wanted to marry Darren Daulton, who has since completely lost his marbles (I can really pick 'em). The Blue Jays' Joe Carter robbed me of my childhood innocence when he hit that home run. I cried myself to sleep and woke up as a jaded adolescent. I dislike Canada to this day. Toronto is where dreams go to die.

Fifteen years later and half a world away, I am once again the authority on the Phillies and their quest for the World Series championship. My life has come full circle! Nevermind that I haven't watched a game all season. The Kiwis don't know sh*t about baseball and they think I'm from Philadelphia, so I'm regarded as the resident expert.

This guy at work makes a serious effort to talk to to me about the Phillies and the playoffs everyday. This must be what the kids call "flirting," right? I've been known to misinterpret these things, but I see no other explanation in this case because you have to go out of your way to find baseball news/scores from New Zealand. He confuses the American League and the National League, which I find endearing. He uses fancy terms like "runs batted in," which I suspect he learned on the internet. "A" for effort, young Kiwi male! Clearly, this man is madly in love with me.

Thank you, Chase Utley, for bringing me closer to the young Kiwi male. You're pretty easy on the eyes yourself! And Chase - one more thing - do me a solid and please, please, please drag this series out to a full 7 games. My future depends on it.

Special note to Philly readers: I'm relying on you to share insider info on these games so I can continue to impress the Kiwis.

Tweet

Everyone in New Zealand seems to do something. They are not as work-obsessed as Americans. For instance, my adult co-workers participate in the following activities: netball, cricket, soccer, surf lifesaving, gardening, running, motorbiking, etc. A Kiwi is more likely to inquire about your extracurricular activities than your career. This is probably a good attitude, but it makes me feel lazy. How can I respond? "In my previous life, I grew to like indoor spinning classes while you rode a real bike through the majestic mountains of New Zealand." Or maybe: "I write a blog that mocks your culture." Now that the winter is drawing to a close, I'm going to start telling the Kiwis that I ski.

Even the animals have hobbies! In his spare time, this unidentified black bird enjoys watching sailboat races.

NZ FAQ

It's been 3 months (!) already, so I think it is time for a N TO THE ZED status report. I have fun writing this blog, and I'm so happy that others enjoy it too. I know I have more readers than commentors, so please say hello once in a while. I'm all alone over here, and I love hearing from you. Don't worry about typos (mom). We're all friends here at N TO THE ZED. No judgements. Thanks for sticking with me this far, dear readers. Stay tuned! This country continues to surprise me.

Now allow me to address your top 10 burning emails.

1) Question: How is life in Australia?
Answer: I don't know. I live in New Zealand.

2) Question: Have you had any more online dates?

Answer: No, I told you that disastrous experiment was over. I keep my word.

3) Question: I'm so jealous of you! / I'm living vicariously through you!

Answer: This isn't a question, but it makes me laugh. Guess what? I'm often jealous of your stable lives and extensive wardrobes. Don't get me wrong - I'm enjoying (almost) every minute of being here, but remember that I only write about the fun stuff. It is still "normal life" in many ways. I pay bills. I wake up at 6:30am to spend my day in a cubicle, except Kiwi cubicles don't even have walls. Save your jealousy for my summer of unemployment.

4) Question: How do you continue to blog so much now that you have a job?

Answer: This stays between you me and you, but the NZ government has employed me to do.... nothing. This is only a slight exaggeration. There is no shortage of free time. I look busy when I write in a notebook. It takes me 5 minutes to put the text online and add pictures later. I'm pretty much getting paid to blog at this point. Easy as!

5) Question: Do you and Dawn hate each other yet?

Answer: Not yet :) Ask us again when we're living in our Integra this summer.

6) Question: The blog concerns me. Are you really okay over there?

Answer: I'm fine! You understand that I'm not really a xenophobic boy-crazy party girl, right? Right?! I just play one on a blog.

7) Question: When are you coming home?

Answer: To be determined. My visa is valid until July, but I have no desire to spend another winter here. Depending on funding, I may try to spend a few months somewhere else.

8) Question: Can I stay on your couch?

Answer: YES!!!!! I'll even give you my bed. Stop teasing me and get over here already! It will be the best small fortune you ever spend. I don't even care if I know you. Send your friends.

9) Question: Did you see recent movie X? Did you watch the last episode of TV show Y?

Answer: Again, stop teasing me. Haven't you listened to a word I've said about entertainment in NZ?

10) Question: Can you find a young Kiwi male for me too?

Answer: Sorry, NZ has a man drought. It's every woman for herself.

Buckle Up!

I'm doing like the Kiwis and taking a step back in time. Dawn and I are now the proud owners of a 1990 Honda Integra hatchback. Livin' large in New Zealand!! Please say a little prayer that a) this car does not blow up; and b) I do not wreck it. Forget base jumping off the Sky Tower -- driving this car is by far the most frightening thing I have ever done. I break out into a cold sweat behind the wheel. Consider the following:

1. Kiwi drivers are Crazy McSpeed DemoNZ. Motorcycles are allowed to drive between lanes and pop in and out as they please. The bus we rode to pick up our car hit a bicyclist. No joke.

2. I have no freakin' clue where I am or where I'm going.

3. The roads are treacherous and full of blind turns. Take a millisecond to sneeze and you'll likely drive off a cliff. The 2 lane roads in our Hataitai neighborhood are not nearly wide enough to accommodate 2 cars.

4. It is completely disorienting to drive from the right side of the car. My whole center of gravity is thrown off. It's like trying to write with your left hand. You know what to do, but you just. can't. do. it. I want to use my right hand to shift gears, but there is nothing there. I look up and to the right to check my rearview mirror, but there is nothing there. The positions of the windshield wipers and turn signal are reversed. Hilarity ensues.

5. It is very possible that I will drive on the wrong side of the road. Every little move requires advance planning and intense concentration.

6. NZ road rules baffle me. You drive on the left side of the road, but a car turning right always has the right of way. I'm told this law tricks even the Brits. I couldn't even visualize the situation until I was smack dab in the middle of it. Someone started honking. Suffice it to say the correct move is the exact opposite of what you would do in the US. Keep in mind that I could barely follow the road rules of my own country. Did you know that blowing past a stopped school bus in New York state will put enough points on your license to make you waste an entire Saturday in a defensive driving class? Stupid school kids.

7. A round white sign with a black slash mark means the speed limit is 100km/hr. Totally intuitive, right?? A sign with the number 100 might be confusing.

Old habits die hard. For our safety, distracting side conversations and music are currently banned from the Integra. I'm hopeful this rule will eventually change. This gives you plenty of time to make me a mix tape. My new ride has a sweet cassette player!

Hot Rod

Scared Stiff

There's totally enough room to sleep in this thing!

DIY: It's In Our (their) DNA

This TV commercial for Mitre 10 (think Lowe's or Home Depot) is adorable! It showcases:

1. Cute kids with accents
2. The Kiwi ingenuity and pioneering spirit
3. NZ's rivalry with Australia

(Yes, I finally figured out how to post a video directly on the blog.)

Can you please confirm...?

Post-NOSH, a new work acquaintance invited me out with his friends. An impromptu free-association game erupted when he introduced me as a Philadelphian. They yell out: cheesteak, 76ers, Flyers, Phillies, liberty bell. Very good, Kiwis! A guy from South Africa claims to be a huge Eagles fan.

I'm asked if I'll be voting soon, the logistics of voting from abroad, and who I voted for. I've had this discussion 4 times this week alone. They come right out with it. "Nice to meet you. Who will you vote for?" Lay off me, Kiwis! I mailed my absentee ballot this week. (By the way, you won't be very popular if your answer is John McCain.)

I really like this group because they are fun, make ridiculous claims about the US, give me all kinds of crap about being American, and let me do the same about New Zealand (I usually don't say this stuff aloud). I believe the ability to laugh at oneself is an essential personality trait, but I've also wondered whether the degree to which I enjoy insults is healthy. Note to self: Schedule therapy.

• I'm asked to confirm that the best thing about going to bars in America is buffalo wing night. Well, I never really thought about it...
• I'm asked to confirm that an American who attends an Ivy League school is set for life.
• Lyle tells me his name is very common in America, just like George. I've never met a Lyle and I can think of only one George. He asks, "What about W. and his father?" I don't know the Bushes personally, and not all citizens share a name with their president.
• Someone says I must be excited to get a free Dr. Pepper if Guns 'n Roses finally release Chinese Democracy this year. I guess I missed this March 2008 announcement. I do not like Dr. Pepper.
• South Carolina comes up in a discussion of possible places I might live upon my return to the US. The reaction: "South Cackalacky?! I thought you said you voted for change? But they do have proper barbecue restaurants there, don't they? That would be nice."
• A guy trying to coax me onto the dance floor says I must have moves because I'm from Philly. "Why? What have you heard about Philly?" He says, "Oh, you know, just what Will Smith said. In west Philadelphia born and raised...."
• Other random comments - NZ won WWII for the US. The US is responsible for the hole in the ozone layer above NZ. The world series isn't really a world series. Blah, blah, blah.

The guy from work makes a passing remark about being single. Woah, back up...

• Me: I thought you told me last week that you had a girlfriend?
• Him: Well yeah. I had a girlfriend last week, but not anymore.
• Me: Oh. But didn't you say you lived together for 5 years?
• Him: Yeah, that's why I wasn't at work on Monday. I moved her out.

Young Kiwi male, do you mean to tell me that you've been mercilessly making fun of me all night AND you're on the rebound!?! Game on.