Learn the Lingo! Lesson 6 -Quiz Time!

In honor of NZ’s trivia obsession, I will give bonus points to any reader who can ace this Kiwi linguistics quiz. There are only 2 slang words that have genuinely baffled me thus far. I had to consult Google. I’ll save you the trouble and post the answers in the comments.

1) Define “ta.”
2) Define “arvo.”
3) This picture was taken at the local train station. Now that you know how to speak Kiwi, please tell me HOW MANY PEOPLE DIDN’T CROSS WHERE IT'S SAFE?

Learn the Lingo! Lesson 5 - Field Trip

I recognize that people learn in different ways, so perhaps some readers would benefit from a more "hands on" approach to Kiwi English. Lesson 5 takes you out of the classroom and into the “real world.”

A bench appears on the front porch out of the clear blue sky. I place a phone call.

Me: There is a bench on the porch. Do you know where it came from?
Him: A what?
Me: A bench.
Him: A bench?
Me: That’s what I said. Do you know where it came from?
Him: No. What kind of bench?
Me: (getting frustrated) A wooden bench! It looks brand new.
Him: I have no idea what that’s all about.

In-person conversation a few hours later.

Him: Oh, there’s a seat on the porch!
Me: (frustrated again) Yeah…
Him: I thought you meant a bench, like a countertop. (One of us forgot that America calls elongated outdoor seating “benches,” and one of us forgot that NZ calls kitchen countertops “benches.”)
Me: So you spent all day thinking there was a wooden countertop on the porch?
Him: Well, that’s why I was so confused.

Learn the Lingo! Lesson 4 - Adults Only

Brush up on these terms if you want to really be in the know when you visit NZ. You ain’t gonna find this in Lonely Planet! Please… no questions on how I acquired this particular body of knowledge. I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you.

• Get a root - This is something dirty, but I'm not quite sure if it means have an erection or have sex. Further investigation required. It's a tough job, but somebody's gotta do it.
• P - crystal meth
• Pissed - If a Kiwi is pissed, he is drunk, not angry.
• Tinny - $20 worth of marijuana
• Up the duff - Pregnant
• Y-fronts - Men's underwear briefs

Learn the Lingo! Lesson 3 - Essential Kiwi Terms

You must master this lesson before you are fluent in Kiwi English. This list contains words /phrases that I have judged to be most representative of life in NZ.

• Bogan – the dregs of Kiwi society; any class of derelict. A bogan is a cross between America’s stoner and white trash. It also used to describe something that is particularly budget or doesn’t meet one’s standards. As you can imagine, this word was quickly incorporated into my vocabulary.


• Bro – (refer to “mate”) The sole difference is that “bro” is used only between Kiwi men friends.


• Choice! – A popular phrase meaning “cool.”


• Cheers - a catch-all term for any situation. Thank you! You’re welcome! Goodbye! Hello!


• Dairy – Every other street corner has a dairy. It’s more like an old-timey general store than an American convenience store. The first time I heard the term “dairy,” I assumed it only sold milk, ice cream, etc. Wrong.


• Flick – A Kiwi will never send you an email or a text message. He will never pass you the butter. He will flick it to you.


• It’s alright; It’s cool - you’re welcome, no problem. Kiwis use the world “cool” constantly.


• Jandals (pictured above) -A uniquely Kiwi term for flip-flops. The word “jandal” is specific to NZ, but the footwear is not. That hasn’t stopped NZ from christening the jandal as another one of those “essential Kiwi items.” The image is used in jewelry, art, clothing, etc.


• Mate - As far as I can tell, this word applies to any human being, whether it be your best mate, your flatmate, or your waiter.


• Muppet - This is the most scathing insult the polite Kiwis will utter. "You're a muppet!" The proper response is an equally polite, "Cheers mate!"


• Flash – This word is used heaps. It most often means “flashy” or “fancy.” Check his flash new car. You look flash in that new dress. However, it is also used to describe the weather. As in – the forecast for tomorrow isn’t too flash.


• Good as gold! – A very common phrase in NZ. Has anyone in America said this since 1849 San Francisco??


• Have a think - think. NZ uses the word “think” as a noun, not a verb. A Kiwi has never thought about anything, but he has had a think. If you're searching for a verb that means "to ponder," use the word "reckon" (refer to lesson 2).


• Heaps - a lot of; a ton. Thanks heaps. I have heaps of time. There are heaps of sheep. The word “heaps” is ubiquitous in NZ!! I can’t stress this enough. It’s a perfect example of a word than all Americans can define, but no Americans ever use.


• I will do; I might do – Kiwis often unnecessarily add the word “do” to the end of phrases. In an effort to mock the Kiwis, I once said, “I don’t want to do.” I was chastised for my incorrect attempt at this colloquialism. Oh, excuse me… I didn’t realize there was a proper way to use the English language improperly.


• She'll be right. - No worries; it will work itself out. A perfect example of the Kiwis laid back/lazy attitude. Refer to Newsflash, Part XXIII.


• Sweet as! – I briefly described this phrase in an earlier blog post. It is one of my favorite bits of Kiwi slang! With the Kiwi accent, it often sounds like “sweet ass.” I feel both delighted and objectified (but mostly delighted) every time I think someone just called me “sweet ass.” “Sweet as” is the most common expression, but there are a variety of permutations. Nice as! Happy as! Cold as! After a day at the beach, a young Kiwi male told me he was sunburned as. Pick any adjective and tack on the word “as.” You sound like a Kiwi already, dear readers. Easy as!

Learn the Lingo! Lesson 2 - Everyday Dictionary

You’ll recognize that much of the Kiwi slang is the same as British slang. They also use British spellings - adding a “u” (favourite), dropping the second “l” (enrolment), and replacing “s” with “zed” (analyse). Some of the words/phrases are specific to NZ/Australia. There are even a few that are 100% Kiwi! You’ll already know the meaning of most of these words/phrases, but the difference is that Americans don’t use them in the same context or with the same frequency.

• 111 – 911 (as in, dial 111 in case of emergency)
• Anorak – windbreaker jacket
• Bach - summer vacation home. Nothing fancy, usually a small cabin on the beach.
• Bloke - guy
• Boobtube – tank top
• Boot - car trunk
• Bugger! - Drats! Darn! Shucks!
• Chilly bin - Cooler. Australians call it an eskie.
• Cinema - movie theatre
• Crèche - nursery, daycare
• Crissy Prezzy - Christmas present. Kiwis have an annoying habit of giving cutesy short names to words that don’t need to be shortened. Kindergarten is called “kindee.” Sometimes, it’s like I’m dealing with a bunch of pre-schoolers.
• Drink driving - drunk driving
• Entrée - appetizer. I’ll never make this mistake again! I was very upset when my whole dinner consisted of 4 cold shrimp. NZ menus call main courses “mains.” Go figure.
• Flat - apartment
• Flat white - a very popular coffee drink. An espresso is called a short black. A double espresso is called a long black.
• Fog off – to blow someone off; ignore
• Fortnightly - biweekly. As in, “I pay my rent fortnightly.” I didn’t realize some parts of the world still used this word. I feel like Maureen Shakespeare every time I say it.
• G’day – Good Day. This Australian greeting is also used in NZ, but it seems limited to the older generation.
• Good on ya – good for you
• Lead – dog leash
• Lollies - candy. A mixed bag of candy you assemble with the plastic scooper is called a lolly scramble. I've enjoyed many a Kiwi lolly scramble!
• Mufti – casual dress; dress down day
• Nice – I notice that Kiwis often use this word to describe food. I think Americans tend to say food is “good” or “tastes good,” but Kiwis say food is “nice.”
• Oy! – An exclamation like “hey!” Americans would never say this, but it is ingrained in the Kiwis. This is what they would blurt out if their dog ran into the street. Also common in Australia.
• Partner - The US only uses “partner” to describe same-sex relationships, but NZ uses the term to describe any significant other. You rarely hear husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend. This makes it difficult to tell if someone has a wife or just a girlfriend. Another stumbling block on my search for a partner…
• Petrol - gas
• Plasters – band-aids
• Post - mail. Post is a noun.
• Power point - electrical outlet. Each socket has an individual power switch.
• Reckon - A Kiwi will not ask what you think of a situation. He will ask, "What do you reckon?"
• Rice Bubbles - Rice Krispies. Exact same cereal and packaging, just a different name. Ditto for Sultana Bran (equivalent to Raisin Bran).
• Rubbers - rubber bands
• Rubbish - No one in NZ says “trash” or “garbage.”
• Takeaways - takeout food. In the US, you’re asked “for here or to go?” In NZ, you’re asked “eat here or takeaway?”
• Torch - flashlight
• Trading hours - store’s hours of operation
• Trolley - shopping cart
• Twink – white out; correction fluid. I think this name is more suited for an illicit drug than office supplies.
• Vege - vegetable, veggies.
• Washing - laundry. I’m not sure why people have dryers because everyone (but me) hangs their clothes outside to dry, even in the winter. I’m surprised I haven’t seen anyone using a washboard from the 1800s.
• Whiteware - home appliances
• Windscreen – car windshield

Learn the Lingo! Lesson 1 - The Accent

First thing’s first! Before you learn the Kiwi words, you must learn the Kiwi accent!

I’ve spent countless hours imitating the accent over the last several months. It’s still awful, but it keeps me entertained. The key word in the previous sentence is ME. I’m not brazen enough to put on the accent in front of a native New Zealander. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same about the Kiwis. Many people have asked me to listen to their “Bill Clinton.” Their version of an American accent is always very nasally. I sound nothing like that. The Kiwis apparently agree because I’m often told that I sound Canadian. Irritating. Just last week, a man told me I’d be able to “get away with” saying I’m Canadian. I don’t like the implication there…

This American/Canadian confusion bothers me. Similarly, the Kiwis are bothered that I can’t tell the NZ/Australian accents apart. In fact, I’m ashamed to admit that I knew a few British people for weeks before I realized they weren’t Kiwi. In isolation, I don’t think the British/Kiwi accents sound one bit alike, but everything gets jumbled together in real life. It’s funny what the ear does and doesn’t pick up. There have been many times when a friend asked me if a waitress, clerk, etc. was American. My response is usually, “Huh?” More often than not, the voice (American accent) of the person in question hasn’t even registered with me. I think my brain doesn’t recognize it as “different.” Where’s a linguist/neuroscientist when you need one?

Back to the Kiwi accent… just do your best Australian accent and you’re on the right track. There is a funny language story about my Kiwi boyfriend Jemaine Clement. When he was hired to appear in commercials for Outback Steakhouse, he spent weeks honing his fake Australian accent. Come to find out, the American film crew thought he was from Australia all along and heard no difference between his true Kiwi/fake Australian accents.

The hallmark of the Kiwi accent is the long “e” or "i" sound. “Yes” becomes “yees” or “yis.” It is very draaawn out. The word “bed” is pronounced “bead.” The animal “bear” is pronounced exactly like that tasty beverage “beer.” You’d be surprised how often this causes confusion. I never noticed how often bears up in everyday conversation. Seriously!

The workplace produced the best example of my confusion with the long “e” sound. A woman asked me a question about some leaders. I stared at her blankly. I asked her to repeat herself twice. My mind was racing… “Leaders of what?!?” Then it finally hit me. She was asking about some letters I had written.

I can’t find any internet sources to back me up on this, but I’ve observed similarities between the Boston/Kiwi accents. Kiwis tend to drop their R’s. You know what I mean… “park the car” becomes “pahk the cah.” I wonder if this has something to do with British settlers heading to New England and New Zealand. Food for thought.

Here is a funny Flight of the Conchords clip that touches on the Kiwi accent.

Beached As

This viral video is making its way around New Zealand. Some Australians put the video together to mock the NZ accent and slang. Many Kiwis think this is very funny, but I do not find it the least bit entertaining. I bet you can't wait to watch it after that ringing endorsement!

Note: Kiwis use the word "bro" a lot.

NOT World Famous

I already told you that NZ loves to make fun of Major League Baseball's "World" Series. Well guess what, Kiwis?? You do the exact same thing! Snap!

The tagline for NZ's native L&P Soda is "World Famous in New Zealand" (written on the red banner on the bottles). This non-sensical slogan has taken on a life of its own. Kiwis attach this label to anything they believe to be deserving of world fame. In reality, the term means that an item/person has achieved some degree of popularity in this tiny, isolated nation... nowhere near world famous. By the way, L&P soda is underserving of even local fame. It is gross.

In other soft drink news, soda is commonly referred to as "fizzy drink." NZ has a lot of fruit/citrus sodas that I don't care for. I'm usually a Pepsi girl, but 99% of places only have Coca-Cola. The Coke is often served in a glass bottle with an old-time bottle cap. So cute! Cherry Coke was pulled from the market because it didn't go over so well with Kiwis. Ginger Beer (non-alcholic) is another gross soft drink that is very popular in NZ.

Don't confuse Ginger Beer with Ginger Ale, which is very difficult to find. (I'm told it is here, but I haven't seen it yet.) How am I supposed to have my favorite Ginger Ale and Vanilla Vodka cocktail sans Ginger Ale? It's a tough life.

You Say Zed, I Say Zee

Now that they can't make fun of my President anymore, the Kiwis have taken to making fun of my spelling. At a work meeting, people were trying to come up with a word that is the opposite of seamless. I wasn't supposed to be an active participant in this meeting, but I couldn't stand to watch them stumble over themselves any longer. I offered up "disjointed." Everyone liked this suggestion. The guy writing on the board (yes, like a 4th grade classroom) had his back to us. He asked: "Was that the American?"and commented that I should be happy with the spelling because it didn't have any extra U's. Somone said I'd probably like to "throw a funny ZED in there" (implying that I would write dizjointed instead of disjointed). They all had a good laugh over this. Someone finally tacked on, "Oh we're not making fun of you, Maureen." Sure...

Hardly Working

My office recently changed its email program from Groupwise (which I had never even heard of) to Microsoft Outlook 2003. Hello, year 2002!! There were many, many hours of staff training behind this conversion. Ridiculous.

After one grueling training session, the young Kiwi male facilitator approached me. "You probably already know all this?" Well, since you asked... "Yeah, and 2003 isn't the most recent version of Outlook." I didn't realize how snotty this sounded until it was already out of my mouth. Luckily, he found it funny and not offensive. He explained that they have to use the 2003 version because some computers are still operating on Windows 2000. We shared a laugh over his country's backwards business practices.

Despite my above-it-all attitude, I'm really endearing myself to the Kiwis. I do next to nothing at this job, but the Kiwis think I'm super-productive. A little American work ethic goes a long way in New Zealand! I could have held down this job when I was 11... and email didn't even exist when I was 11. The most challenging part of my day is remembering to speak slowly and use Kiwi English. Everyone found it sooo funny that I told my boss to call his mom instead of his mum. If I was in America, I'd tell this guy to cut the apron strings and get back to work.

Watch your back, Helen Clark!* If I stayed in the NZ government, I could easily rise to the ranks of Prime Minister within a decade. Come to think of it, I'm pretty much qualified to run for VP of the US these days too. Sarah would surely agree that kissing a Kiwi counts as foreign policy experience.**

* Pay attention to paragraph 3 of the "early life" section of Helen's bio. You cried throughout your wedding ceremony because you had a headache? Really now??

** Not that I have or have not been involved in such activities.

Gluteus Maximus

If you think Dawn and I will ever run out of bad jokes about "going up Butt Street," you are sorely mistaken, my friend! (Pun intended.)

The street name is very apropos. I know it is hard to believe, but I promise you that every street in Wellington is uphill both ways. I have not grown accustomed to this. I am exhausted; the lactic acid is coursing through my muscles. Even the brief "downhill" periods are steep and taxing. You really have to engage the quads so as to avoid tumbling head over heels down the hills. I initially thought this mountain-climbing would make me trim, but I now think it is building up a badonkadonk that doesn't want to fit in my pants. Well, that and all the TimTams I've been eating...

I would hate to turn into a stereotype. Consider this conversation I was peripherally involved in about a co-worker's body (like I said, nothing is off-limits at the office).

Girl: J. is hot.

Boy: She is pretty, but she has such a big ass.

Girl: Yeah, she does have a big American ass.

Boy: I can't believe you said that! Maureen is American!

Girl: You know what I mean... a big black American ass.

Boy: That's not any better! I'm practically black! [He is Indian] And Maureen voted for Obama!

Girl: It's okay. I'm half and half.

Boy: But you're not half black! Or half American!

Today at work, I was asked to sort 6 cases of chocolate bars (don't even ask) and someone commented that the only person who could eat 6 cases of chocolate bars in one sitting would be an American. Cool it, Kiwis! You're gonna give a girl a complex!

The pictures below show a variety of steep staircases and paths that make the buns burn. You'll notice that some resourceful/lazy Wellingtonians have installed cable cars leading from the street to their homes. I'm a little jealous of these cable cars, but a closer look reveals their dangers. There is no mistaking the international symbol for "this thing will crush you."

DIY: It's In Our (their) DNA

This TV commercial for Mitre 10 (think Lowe's or Home Depot) is adorable! It showcases:

1. Cute kids with accents
2. The Kiwi ingenuity and pioneering spirit
3. NZ's rivalry with Australia

(Yes, I finally figured out how to post a video directly on the blog.)

Can you please confirm...?

Post-NOSH, a new work acquaintance invited me out with his friends. An impromptu free-association game erupted when he introduced me as a Philadelphian. They yell out: cheesteak, 76ers, Flyers, Phillies, liberty bell. Very good, Kiwis! A guy from South Africa claims to be a huge Eagles fan.

I'm asked if I'll be voting soon, the logistics of voting from abroad, and who I voted for. I've had this discussion 4 times this week alone. They come right out with it. "Nice to meet you. Who will you vote for?" Lay off me, Kiwis! I mailed my absentee ballot this week. (By the way, you won't be very popular if your answer is John McCain.)

I really like this group because they are fun, make ridiculous claims about the US, give me all kinds of crap about being American, and let me do the same about New Zealand (I usually don't say this stuff aloud). I believe the ability to laugh at oneself is an essential personality trait, but I've also wondered whether the degree to which I enjoy insults is healthy. Note to self: Schedule therapy.

• I'm asked to confirm that the best thing about going to bars in America is buffalo wing night. Well, I never really thought about it...
• I'm asked to confirm that an American who attends an Ivy League school is set for life.
• Lyle tells me his name is very common in America, just like George. I've never met a Lyle and I can think of only one George. He asks, "What about W. and his father?" I don't know the Bushes personally, and not all citizens share a name with their president.
• Someone says I must be excited to get a free Dr. Pepper if Guns 'n Roses finally release Chinese Democracy this year. I guess I missed this March 2008 announcement. I do not like Dr. Pepper.
• South Carolina comes up in a discussion of possible places I might live upon my return to the US. The reaction: "South Cackalacky?! I thought you said you voted for change? But they do have proper barbecue restaurants there, don't they? That would be nice."
• A guy trying to coax me onto the dance floor says I must have moves because I'm from Philly. "Why? What have you heard about Philly?" He says, "Oh, you know, just what Will Smith said. In west Philadelphia born and raised...."
• Other random comments - NZ won WWII for the US. The US is responsible for the hole in the ozone layer above NZ. The world series isn't really a world series. Blah, blah, blah.

The guy from work makes a passing remark about being single. Woah, back up...

• Me: I thought you told me last week that you had a girlfriend?
• Him: Well yeah. I had a girlfriend last week, but not anymore.
• Me: Oh. But didn't you say you lived together for 5 years?
• Him: Yeah, that's why I wasn't at work on Monday. I moved her out.

Young Kiwi male, do you mean to tell me that you've been mercilessly making fun of me all night AND you're on the rebound!?! Game on.

Home Is Where The Heart Is

When you are from a place as small as New Zealand, you cannot afford to know about only your own country. I'm impressed by the depth of the Kiwis' international knowledge. They are worldly, well-travelled, and know much more about foreign affairs than Americans.

When the Kiwis ask where you are from, they expect an answer more specific than "United States." This has been a process of trial and error. I began by saying "New York," but this caused confusion because people assumed Manhattan. "Upstate New York" brought up too much talk about Canada. Insulting! Also, that felt like a lie. Even after 3 years, I do not at all think of myself as being from New York. I still more closely identify with Boston, but I can't very well say I'm from there anymore.

I'm comfortable with my now standard answer of "Pennsylvania." Most people don't dig deeper, although someone asked if I was from coal country or steel country. He wanted to talk about the Amish and the movie October Sky. The "BoSox" guy from work asked me the name of Philadelphia's baseball team. (Are the fightin' Phils really 1 win away from the World Series?!) A cab driver informed me of - and sang! - a song called "Pennsylvania 5000" that his jazz band plays. I was ashamed that a Kiwi knew something about my home state that I didn't. My self-esteem rebounded when when further conversation revealed the cabbie thought Pennsylvania was a city in the Midwest. (Subsequent internet investigation leads me to believe the true name of this song is actually "Pennsylvania 6-5000.")

Reader Homework - I suggest you listen to Bruce, Billy, and Bon Jovi for inspiration while you contemplate the emotionally-charged question: Where are you from?

Ranfurly Shield Victory Parade

A few weeks ago, I accidentally attended the victory parade for the Wellington Phoenix rugby team. For the first time since 1981, Wellington is in possession of the coveted Ranfurly Shield. The championship was even more meaningful becuase the Phoenix beat Auckland in the finals. All Kiwis who don't live in Auckland hate Auckland. The city's residents are affectionately known as JAFAs (just another f-ing Aucklander).

The parade lasted less than 10 mintues and the crowd was in the tens. Compare this to the 2002 New England Patriots superbowl victory parade, where I was nearly trampled to death. But hey, I won't complain about a truckload of young Kiwi males.

Good To The Last Drop

Oh, you Cheeky Little Sav! You make momma feel so good.

In Like a A Lion

Daylight savings time has arrived in New Zealand. We are now 17 hours ahead of the US east coast. It took me half the morning to realize this because, apparently, cell phone clocks don't automatically update here. Is it too much to ask for accurate timekeeping? I'm surprised because these cell phones have the technology to track your exact whereabouts. The display screen always shows what section of the city you're in - to such a degree of specificity that my living room and bedroom are logged as separate locations. Too "big brother" for my liking.

Another sure sign that spring is on the way... boobtubes are on sale. Tubetops are called boobtubes! I love this. The Kiwis don't mince words. Let's call a spade a spade.

Flying Fox

Perhaps Ashland's Higher Ups Park has improved since my last visit in the 80s, but believe me, it has nothing on New Zealand. The playgrounds here are sweet as! (This is common slang, meaning cool or awesome. "Sweet as what?," you might ask. I don't know. That's the full expression; Kiwis aren't clever enough to complete the similie.)

The Kiwis' obsession with adventure sports starts early. Consider the Flying Fox, a zipline-like ride at a local park. You climb up the ramp, grab the rope, take a running start from the back of the platform, jump onto the little discus seat, and let 'er go! You zoom down the track until you collide with some rubber tires, which send you flying high up into the air and shoot you halfway back down the track. The pictures are blurry because I'm moving at lightening speed.

It is so much fun!! But is it safe for small children? I have my doubts. The instruction placard reads: "If this is your first time on the Flying Fox, watch it in action before you give it a go." That's all- not even a warning to hold on tight.

And no, I'm not too old for playgrounds, so don't even go there...

Capital F

Contrary to popular belief, Auckland is not the capital of New Zealand. That honor belongs to my new hometown of Wellington. Dawn and I tour Parliament and the Beehive, a building shaped like a (you guessed it) beehive that houses government offices. The lobby displays a tattered New Zealand flag that was found in the ruins of the World Trade Center after 9/11. The tour stops at a collection of banners from various NZ allies. The guide picks up one particular banner and winks at us: "You American ladies might be familiar with this one." Yes, it was red white and blue, but it was embroidered "Republic de Chile."

Parliament is in session today, so we sit in the public gallery to observe. It entertains us for 2 full hours. There is a lot of shouting and nonsense. "Is the minister of police aware that crime is intimately tied to drug and alcohol abuse?" Umm, yeah. Nothing is accomplished. "The minister may not have answered the question, but he did address the question." But wait... I'm about to witness history. For the first time ever, the F-word (and I don't mean filibuster!) is uttered on the floor of New Zealand Parliament. This is discussed in the newspaper. What an honor to have been present.

The guard chats us up when we collect our belongings from security. He is heartbroken because his son and American daughter-in-law are absconding to Texas with his grandkids. Poor guy. He is very interested in why we're here and recommends places to visit. His final recommendation is to beware of the young Kiwi male.

Relax, Take It Easy

The 12 hour bus ride from Auckland to Wellington flies by because the scenery is so beautiful. I think the hills are covered in white rocks. Then I realize... those are all sheep! Where do they come from? Does anyone own them? I'm amazed. New Zealand has something like 4 million people and 40 million sheep. I'm very excited to see more of the countryside and to travel to the south island when the weather improves. That is where the cool kids spend the summer.

Our little pixie bus driver is so polite that it seems like an act. She requests that we please pick up our rubbish at each stop because other people will hop on the bus when we hop off and it's just not very nice for them to sit in our rubbish. American translation: clean up your shit. She asks if we could please try not to push the red button above our seats because it will set off an unpleasant alarm. American translation: do not push the red button; no justification required. She warns us of a small wet spot on the left side of the bottom step at the rear exit, but she really hopes it will dry up by the next stop. American translation: none - you'll learn for yourself when you slip and fall. She says seat belt use is required; "however this is up to you."

Our windshield wipers die early in the trip. It is pouring rain (this is New Zealand after all). No need to panic; no need for repair. The driver is just going to "take it easy."