Bird's The Word

Based on a previous comment about the American Bald Eagle, I feel compelled to pit our national birds against each other in a beak-to-beak competition. Who emerges victorious? You be the judge!

Representing the USA - The Bald Eagle

This regal bird of prey effortlessly soars through American skies from sea to shining sea. It majestically perches atop purple mountains, keeping a watchful eye over our amber waves of grain. This handsome bird commands respect. It even defeated a Viking in last weekend's NFL playoffs!

Representing NZ - The Kiwi

The kiwi is flightless "bird," basically a lump of mousy brown fur with an oversized schnoz. Everyone knows the only flightless bird worth its weight in feathers is a penguin. I could understand if the people of NZ named themselves Kiwis after the delicious fruit, but no, they named themselves Kiwis after this defenseless little creature. In one fell swoop, the bald eagle would easily ensnare the kiwi in its talons. What would the Kiwis call themselves then? Breakfast!

Today's Events

1. I went to a nice-ish restaurant for lunch. Two middle-aged couples were seated at the table next to me. Before they even opened their mouths, I KNEW they were Americans. Why? Because they were holding the NZ dollar bills up to their faces to look at each other through the clear plastic shapes in the corner of the bills. This is why the rest of the world hates us.


2. I saw my first penguin! It was zipping through the waters of the Wellington Harbor. Its torpedo-like moves were too fast for my camera.

Eyes Peeled

I cannot wait to see my first New Zealand penguin!!

(Kia Tupato is Maori for "be careful." Not sure about the bottom line - probably "Silly American, leave the penguins alone.")

Party People

My department had an early Christmas party on Friday at Paekakariki Beach, 45 minutes north of Wellington on the Kapiti Coast. It was a beautiful day! For entertainment purposes, there was beach cricket and IRB boat rides. This is basically an inflatable speed boat that fits 2 people. It was very fast and very fun.

There was plenty of entertainment even without those activities. Remember that a normal Friday at work involves 2-3 hours of drinking... then try to imagine what these Kiwis do at a legitimate "party." It did not disappoint! I've been to some parties in my day, and this one ranked right up there.

The festivities began at 1:00pm. Maybe 3 people took the free shuttle van back to the city at 7pm. The rest of us had to fend for ourselves by taking a train home the next day. When I called it a night at 2:00am, some people were still going strong. In the morning, I found someone asleep on the couch in swimming trunks and a cowboy hat.

Let me put it this way -- the accidental revelation that I have been secretly dating a co-worker (now you know too) was barely a blip on the radar screen. What would normally be juicy office gossip paled in comparison to other events. These events included karaoke, salsa dancing, crying, kissing, physical violence, many lost belongings, etc. There was a barbecue fire that melted the knobs off the grill. Don't ask me how some of these people are going to show their faces on Monday morning. I'm embarrassed for them.

I'm proud to report that I was well-behaved and uninvolved in the drama. However, I did suffer a nasty party injury. Someone's dog stole a bottle of Advil from my purse. After chasing him into a corner, I made my move to retrieve the bottle from his mouth. Instead, I came away with a bitten hand and jammed finger. I decided to let that stupid dog keep the Advil, and I don't care if he OD'ed. All I want for Christmas is to be rabies-free.

Elusive young Kiwi male - rear view, hands full

Newsflash, Part XX

Some recent news for the animal lovers:

• Lock up your horses. I don't know how the humans could tell that Red was "exhausted and a bit sore," but I'm glad he arrived home safely.
• Here's something really freaky - a two-headed Australian kitten
• Giraffes set sail!
• In an avian case of mistaken identity, the police held a family at gunpoint to seize their pet parrot.
• While police were preoccupied with that important birdnapping, there was a REAL animal on the loose in downtown Wellington. Silent but furious!

Chocolate Fish

The US has a saying to acknowledge a job well done. “You get a gold star.” This is a little bit tongue-in-cheek, a throwback to elementary school. No one actually gives you a gold star sticker… at least not since your 4th grade spelling test.

NZ also has a saying to acknowledge a job well done. “You get a chocolate fish.” The difference is that the Kiwis will physically hand you a chocolate fish, another one of those “essential Kiwi items.” It is a strawberry peep-like marshmallow with a chocolate shell in the shape of a minnow. You also get a chocolate fish on your saucer when you order a fancy coffee drink like a mochaccino.

Rumor has it that the chocolate fish is typically 6-8 inches; however, I find that the mini 2 inch version is much more common. (Sound familiar, girls??) Believe me, dear readers, size does not matter. Smaller is better because the chocolate fish is more like a punishment than a reward. It is kind of gross. When I’m in charge, I will passive-aggressively distribute chocolate fish to poor performers. The high achievers will be lauded with TimTams and Starburst. Or maybe I’ll expect them to tirelessly work their tails off without recognition or reward. That's the American way, after all.

Returning to the topic of stars, New Zealand loves the saying “You’re a star.” This strikes me as very old-fashioned. I picture granddads saying it in the 1950s. I picture black-and-white Hollywood glamour… a skeevy agent telling a young Marilyn Monroe that he’ll make her famous.

Whenever I complete some menial task at work, people say, “Thanks Maureen, you’re a star!”* I hear this left and right. Please, Kiwis, tell me something I don't know.

* When this praise is delivered via email, it is often written as "YOUR a star!" Guess who didn't get a gold star on the 4th grade spelling test.

Sugar Snake

Remember when I told you that New Zealand had giant earthworms? The same is true of their gummi worms! I enjoy the gummi variety much more. This is the closest thing to a snake you will find in New Zealand. They don't have bears either!

(The apple is pictured for scale.)

Tweet

Everyone in New Zealand seems to do something. They are not as work-obsessed as Americans. For instance, my adult co-workers participate in the following activities: netball, cricket, soccer, surf lifesaving, gardening, running, motorbiking, etc. A Kiwi is more likely to inquire about your extracurricular activities than your career. This is probably a good attitude, but it makes me feel lazy. How can I respond? "In my previous life, I grew to like indoor spinning classes while you rode a real bike through the majestic mountains of New Zealand." Or maybe: "I write a blog that mocks your culture." Now that the winter is drawing to a close, I'm going to start telling the Kiwis that I ski.

Even the animals have hobbies! In his spare time, this unidentified black bird enjoys watching sailboat races.

Te Kopahou Reserve

We took advantage of a beautiful Saturday (finally!) by visiting the Te Kopahou Reserve. There is a trail along the Owhiro Bay coast leading to Sinclair's Head, which hosts a bachelor fur seal colony from May to October. Up to 150 seals hang out here during the winter to fatten up for mating season. The seals are difficult to find because they blend in with the rocks and barely move. Seals are pretty lazy.

I overheard this conversation between 2 brothers. There is nothing cuter than a kid with a Kiwi accent.

Boy 1: Look! There's a seal!

Boy 2: Where?

Boy 1: There.

Boy 2: Where?

Boy 1: There.

Boy 2: WHERE?

Boy 1: THERE! Onthe rock.

Boy 2: That's not a rock! That's a seal!

Boy 1: I've spotted 7 so far.

Boy 2: I've spotted 8.

Boy 1: Well... I've spotted 8 too.

Kiwi kids have super-human vision (or lie) becuse I only found 3. This low number ends up being ok with me because the seals stink to the high heavens.

On a clear day, you can see the South Island mountains across the Cook Strait.
The sand remdinded me a bit of coal dirt.

Devil's Gate - passage to seal colonySpot the seals.

Red Rocks - result of underwater volcanic eruptionsWe bravely faced the hazards.

Kiwi Canines

New Zealand has a love/hate relationship with its dogs. As you can see from this sign, they are prohibited from certain sections of the city, including many beaches. However, the grocery store has an extensive selection of chilled dog food to suit the tastes of your pampered pooch. This is the same country that can't manage to produce a gel deodorant.

Quack

New Zealand has cute little ducklings!

Newsflash, Part IX

The US isn’t the only country with an important election in November. To help Kiwis make an informed decision, one local newspaper publishes a weekly Q&A session with the 9 candidates vying for the Wellington Central seat in Parliament. It asks hard-hitting questions like: “What was your first pet and how long did you have it?’” Muckraking journalism at its best.

Bernard Darnton, the libertariaNZ candidate, answers, “The other candidates will have answers that avoid offending either the cat people or the dog people – it’s all part of modern politics, where image trumps truth. I once had a dog, but that was in Vietnam and it was a meal rather than a pet. I was brought up vegetarian (it didn’t stick), and any animals in our house observed the same rules, meaning dull, pointless pets like gerbils. I wanted a snake. I would have fed it gerbils.”

Have You Any Wool?

I recently had my first up-close and personal encounter with a sheep. It was awesome! Look at this guy... just chilling on the hill, keeping an eye on the city below.

Newsflash, Part VIII

Wellington has a mystery on its hands! Officials are investigating a giant chunk of "cheese" that washed ashore this weekend. Or is it something else? This article leaves me with so many questions -- Am I the only one who didn't know that perfume is made from whale vomit? Is there really such a thing as a cheese boat? Why do the Kiwis value brie so highly?

Buzz

New Zealand has big fuzzy bumble bees.

Blame it on the Rain

New Zealand has giant worms!!

Anyone else have a hankering for some tequila?