Scared Straight

New Zealand has some rather graphic public service announcements - I gather that the country's main problems are gambling, domestic violence and binge drinking. The ads can be disturbing and/or unintentionally funny. I've heard quite a few people discuss this ad, which features a drunk man dropping a child at a picnic. It reminds me of this year's Fourth of July (you know who you are...)

As if you need another reason not to mix alcohol and children -- there was a 6-month-old baby at the office's Drinkie Friday this week. I alerted the baby's attentive father: "Um, he just put a bottle cap in his mouth." I am single-handedly saving New Zealand from itself, one young Kiwi male at a time.

That Other Election

You've been flooding my inbox with questions about the results of NZ's election on Saturday. Okay, not really. I don't care about it either, but I'd be remiss if I didn't notify you of the big change in NZ government. After serving as Prime Minister since 1999 (no term limits in NZ), Helen Clark lost to John Key. Seems like everyone is looking for a change these days! Don't ask me any detailed questions about the candidates, their stances, or the election process. I've been involved in many conversations about these topics, but I can't seem to retain the information. I guess I really am a self-centered American. From what I gather, you cast your vote for a certain political party instead of a particular person.

The election coverage on TV left a lot to be desired. It looked like it was shot with a cell phone camera. There were a few talking heads with laptops gathered around a table. Their most impressive graphics were a series of color-coded bar graphs. This does not begin to compare to CNN, which I hear used holograms to beam people into their studios this year. There was no digital map that expands with the touch of a finger.

I've become so accustomed to speaking my mind here on N to the ZED that I sometimes forget to edit myself in real life. After one too many unsolicited comments about the TV coverage, a Kiwi said: "You just can't help yourself, can you?" Oops. Zip it, Maureen. Honestly though, even the TV anchors realized their sad state. They mentioned numerous times that this election didn't measure up to the excitement of the US election.

I'll Take Outdated Games Shows for $200, Alex

Given the national obsession with trivia, you might be surprised to learn that New Zealand got its own version of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" only within the last few months. This comes a full decade after Regis revived the game show genre in the US. The Kiwis have suffered through the British version for years, so they were thrilled to finally have a show they could call their very own. The happiness was short-lived because: 1) the show is taped in Australia... a total slap in the face; and 2) the questions are too difficult.

Read about a bitter contestant who walked away with zero dollars (which is actually much less than zero dollars because we're dealing in Kiwi money). Quit your bellyachin'! Where is that famous Kiwi ingenuity you're all so proud of? I suspect it won't be long before a clever contestant outsmarts the system and wins big. New Zealand will have a quiz show scandal on its hands, about 50 years behind the US. Right on target!

DIY: It's In Our (their) DNA

This TV commercial for Mitre 10 (think Lowe's or Home Depot) is adorable! It showcases:

1. Cute kids with accents
2. The Kiwi ingenuity and pioneering spirit
3. NZ's rivalry with Australia

(Yes, I finally figured out how to post a video directly on the blog.)

Tsunami Warning (psych!)

Sorry to give you back-to-back weather posts, but I told you things are crazy here! You too would be alarmed if you saw a rescue helicopter flying over your house blaring its siren (which sounds like a loud flock of geese) and broadcasting a message that sounds something like "please evacuate." They really need to improve that broadcast system because it is very difficult to make out the words over the wind. I didn't hear anything about this being "only a test." It would have been nice if I had seen this notice about the tsunami warning test run earlier in the day. Don't worry - I live so far up on this mountain that I don't think a tsunami could possibly reach me.

I continued Tsunami Night by watching "Aftershock," a TV docudrama about what will happen to Wellington when "the big one" hits. Scary! A poor man trapped in the rubble in his office needed a co-worker to alert him that he had pooped his pants. Please! Let the man die with his dignity!

I hope I never experience an 8.2. I'm now satisfied with the baby earthquake we had last month.

Fly Away With Me

Call me a girl, but I love these Air New Zealand commercials.

• Ad #1 - Boy meets girl.
• Ad #2 - Son meets mother.
• Ad #3 - Girl gets dumped, then meets father (grandfather?).

Aww, gets me every time! Doesn't it make you want to jump on a plane and visit me? You'll get all teary and touch my face. I'll look into your eyes and speak volumes without saying a word. We'll gently embrace. It will be a beautiful moment. Then we'll party hard.

The Wellington airport is visible from my window, so it is fun to watch the planes fly in and out. On particularly windy days, the waves from Lyall Bay break over the runway. I'm sure this is perfectly safe -- book your ticket now!

Sunday Night Movie

Sunday night in New Zealand means one thing. Time for channel 4's movie of the week! At first, I thought maybe they had an off week... then an off 2 weeks... then 3. But I think we have a representative sample by this point, and there is no denying it. These movies are ridiculous.

1. Mannequin (1987), starring Andrew McCarthy and Kim Catrall. Kim hasn't aged a day since 1987. In other words, she looked 52 even when she was 31. (Someone had to say it!)
2. Flashdance (1983), starring Jennifer Beals
3. The Secret of My Success (1987), starring Michael J. Fox
4. Youngblood (1986), starring Rob Low and Patrick Swayze
5. Class (1983), starring Rob Lowe and Andrew McCarthy

The Kiwis would be shocked to learn that the Brat Pack is now middle-aged.

Rain, Rain, Go Away

Tonight's TV weather report:

• Some city in the south island - "Do bear in mind that those showers could do a cheeky little Kiwi tap dance over you before they eegs-it (exit)"
• My city - "Wellington. One word. Rain."

Cold, continued

I bet you thought there was nothing further to say about the heating (or lack thereof) situation in this country. Don't underestimate me! A few recent developments...

1) It hadn't occurred to me that the gas in our propane heater would actually run out from time to time. This is a sad realization. What was once a luxury has become a real event - pile in the car, go to the gas station, refill, drive home, carry that heavy tank up the GD mountain (thank you, Dawn). What a giant pain in the ass. I feel like a pioneer woman going out to chop my own firewood.

2) The Kiwi ingenuity is rubbing off on me. I will now place my laptop computer (essentially an outdated, overheated paperweight) under the covers before bedtime for added warmth.

3) "Home Fire Safety: It's in Your Hands" - My fear of being set ablaze isn't unfounded according to an advertising campaign from the NZ Fire Service. A few of my favorite ads:

• Fireman #1 tells me the main cause of fire is "men, women and children." The video shows an armchair in flames. The voiceover says many people die before firefighters arrive at the scene.


• Fireman #2 tells me to remember the "Heater Meter Rule." I am to keep all furnishings at least 1 meter away from my electric heater. I've been positioning the heater as close to my face as possible without allowing it to touch the bed.
  
• Fireman #3 warns me of the dangers of cooking under the influence. "If you're having a few right now, don't drink and fry. Get some takeaways delivered instead. Cheers!" Watch here.
  
• Fireman #4 tells me to inspect my electric blanket for signs of wear. If in doubt, "have it checked by your local sparky; easy!" Watch here.

Note to self: Buy electric blanket. Schedule bedroom inspection with a sparky of the young Kiwi male variety.

Olympic Fever

I have always enjoyed the Olympics. I have always loved the Olympics. Okay, I have always been obsessed with the Olympics. Never was this obsession more apparent than during the 1994 winter games in Lillehammer.

• A poster of speedskater Dan Jansen hung on my bedroom wall. I recorded his races on VHS.
• I submitted a drawing of speedskater Bonnie Blair for publication in Sports Illustrated for Kids, and I can’t even draw.
• I wrote a play about the Nancy/Tonya figure skating scandal that I performed with my siblings. Four-year-old Michael played a very convincing Jeff Gillooly. I believe that role is what led him to pursue a degree in film studies.
• I developed my own Olympic sport. Deck Diving involved jumping into snow banks from our back deck. I took the gold of course. If I remember correctly, Nicole and Megan rounded out the medal count.
• My friends and I began a letter-writing campaign to the US Bobsled Federation to petition for the inclusion of women in the sport. Girl power! Maureen: adolescent activist. The very nice response informed me the nearest practice course was in Lake Placid, NY, and encouraged me to follow my dreams. And that is how I became the champion bobsledder I am today. In all seriousness, I was very proud when female bobsledding became an Olympic event in 2002. I watched from the couch, eating a bowl of ice cream.
• To summarize - I don't think I received enough stimulation in school.

I overshare so you can understand the depth of my disappointment when I missed the first week of the Beijing Olympics due to lack of TV. I caught the second week though, and it was very interesting to see how the games are covered in a different country.

New Zealand won 9 medals in total, which was a great showing. This includes a gold medal in windsurfing – no surprise there. The Kiwis are so proud of their athletes! Even the silver and bronze winners get a lot of press coverage. The Kiwis vote online for their favorite NZ Olympian, who is awarded a new car. The winner was Mahe Drysdale, a rower who was a shoo-in for gold but only got bronze due to illness. He probably would have been kicked out of America. During the closing ceremony, the commentators paid tribute to all the Kiwi athletes who finished in 4th place. Losers.

Unlike the US, the Kiwis are interested in athletes from other countries. Michael Phelps was a big story. They kept repeating a clip in which he is asked about a visit to NZ. He says something like, “It is a beautiful country, but I think I was there during the rainy season.” I hear ya, Mike. There were also some grumblings about America. The most popular Olympic events occurred during the middle of the day when most Kiwis (not me!) were working. They blame the US, which has conspired with the IOC to ensure those events always coincide with American prime time.

We may have been streaming the BBC feed at times, so I can't attribute all this to the Kiwis, but the commentary was very blunt. They said things like: “He really blew that one.” “She’ll be watching the next round from the bench.” “Four years of hard work down the toilet.” The boxing commentary was especially entertaining: “He’s taking more shots than an alcoholic!” “He went all Tom Sizemore on him!” “Stiffer than a box of Viagra!”

New Zealand really sticks it to China. There was some problem in which a team of 6 athletes received only 4 medals. The Kiwi reporter said, “In a country known for its fakes, it shouldn’t be difficult to find replacements.”

A Pre-Vacation Vacation

Dawn and I spend 3 days in Los Angeles to break up the trip and bask in a final few days of summer before entering the New Zealand winter. My formerly trusty GPS craps out on day 1. I can't get us out of the airport parking lot, but luckily Dawn has a sense of direction.

See more pictures from Los Angeles here.

The highlight was attending a taping of "Family Feud." Dawn doesn't share my enthusiasm for game shows, but she plays along. Surprisingly, I am the one to get scolded by the production staff for not clapping with enough enthusiasm. John O'Hurley is a very attractive man in person, but hosting a game show involves more than looking pretty. He mispronounces "feud," so the show's introduction has to be re-taped. A question from the fast money bonus round: "What year high school reunion draws the biggest crowd?" The man answers 88 (I can only assume he graduated in 1988). Buzzzz - no points. The #1 answer is the 10 year reunion. I find this hilarious because my brother and I wasted many hours last week watching game show bloopers on youtube. Watch this video for a similar misunderstanding from Family Feud bonus rounds past.

I later learn that we narrowly missed an earthquake in LA. I'm slightly disappointed. Is that morbid? The earthquake video shown on New Zealand news is from a Judge Judy taping. Judy (and Judge Joe Brown) just so happens to tape in the same studio as... Family Feud!