Condiment Conundrum

I miss ketchup. In place of your usual Heinz 57, New Zealand substitutes tomato sauce. It is sweeter than ketchup because it is made without vinegar. No need to rush to the post office -- I can buy ketchup in the grocery store for home use. However, ketchup is MIA in restaurants, which means I cannot order a burger or any other food that should be served with ketchup. Tomato sauce is not disgusting, but it is unexpected enough to ruin a meal.

Tomato sauce is always served in a tomato-shaped squeeze bottle (pictured above). This has unearthed a long-buried memory... my grandmother used to keep ketchup in a little plastic tomato. Does anyone else from Team Barrett remember this? This storage technique is especially surprising given my new knowledge that the tomato bottle is considered an "essential Kiwi item." I've seen greeting cards with a picture of the tomato bottle and the message: "It's a Kiwi thing." How did grandma get her hands on this Kiwi thing? Was this a bit of foreshadowing in my childhood? Has New Zealand always been my destiny?

Sunday Night Movie

Sunday night in New Zealand means one thing. Time for channel 4's movie of the week! At first, I thought maybe they had an off week... then an off 2 weeks... then 3. But I think we have a representative sample by this point, and there is no denying it. These movies are ridiculous.

1. Mannequin (1987), starring Andrew McCarthy and Kim Catrall. Kim hasn't aged a day since 1987. In other words, she looked 52 even when she was 31. (Someone had to say it!)
2. Flashdance (1983), starring Jennifer Beals
3. The Secret of My Success (1987), starring Michael J. Fox
4. Youngblood (1986), starring Rob Low and Patrick Swayze
5. Class (1983), starring Rob Lowe and Andrew McCarthy

The Kiwis would be shocked to learn that the Brat Pack is now middle-aged.

In Like a A Lion

Daylight savings time has arrived in New Zealand. We are now 17 hours ahead of the US east coast. It took me half the morning to realize this because, apparently, cell phone clocks don't automatically update here. Is it too much to ask for accurate timekeeping? I'm surprised because these cell phones have the technology to track your exact whereabouts. The display screen always shows what section of the city you're in - to such a degree of specificity that my living room and bedroom are logged as separate locations. Too "big brother" for my liking.

Another sure sign that spring is on the way... boobtubes are on sale. Tubetops are called boobtubes! I love this. The Kiwis don't mince words. Let's call a spade a spade.

Don't Try This at Home

Why hang your laundry outside when you have access to a perfectly good dryer? There is no reason.

1. But you are trying to find a simpler way of life in New Zealand, so on that rare sunny day, you decide to do like the Kiwis.

2. But it's not that easy. You have to scale a hill to reach the platform under the clothesline... no simple task when you're in flip-flops and balancing a basket on your hip.

3. But you do it! And you're so proud of yourself that you photograph your linens blowing in the breeze. What a refreshing change of pace!

4. But it's New Zealand, so that sunny moment soon turns to rain.

5. But you're not from New Zealand, so you don't immediately connect the weather with laundry. It takes 20 minutes to realize you need to get the stuff off the line.

6. Now you're all wet.

7. The sheets are wet too, but there are other clothes in the dryer. Okay, save the sheets for the next load.

8. But you have plans to meet someone for dinner. Fine, deal with this when you get home.

9. But it's one of those "dinners" that go until 2am. You can't possibly stay awake another 40 minutes to put the sheets in the dryer. They're a little damp, but so what? You're so tired! Just make the bed and go to sleep.

10. You wake up with something like pneumonia.

Flying Fox

Perhaps Ashland's Higher Ups Park has improved since my last visit in the 80s, but believe me, it has nothing on New Zealand. The playgrounds here are sweet as! (This is common slang, meaning cool or awesome. "Sweet as what?," you might ask. I don't know. That's the full expression; Kiwis aren't clever enough to complete the similie.)

The Kiwis' obsession with adventure sports starts early. Consider the Flying Fox, a zipline-like ride at a local park. You climb up the ramp, grab the rope, take a running start from the back of the platform, jump onto the little discus seat, and let 'er go! You zoom down the track until you collide with some rubber tires, which send you flying high up into the air and shoot you halfway back down the track. The pictures are blurry because I'm moving at lightening speed.

It is so much fun!! But is it safe for small children? I have my doubts. The instruction placard reads: "If this is your first time on the Flying Fox, watch it in action before you give it a go." That's all- not even a warning to hold on tight.

And no, I'm not too old for playgrounds, so don't even go there...

Newsflash, Part IX

The US isn’t the only country with an important election in November. To help Kiwis make an informed decision, one local newspaper publishes a weekly Q&A session with the 9 candidates vying for the Wellington Central seat in Parliament. It asks hard-hitting questions like: “What was your first pet and how long did you have it?’” Muckraking journalism at its best.

Bernard Darnton, the libertariaNZ candidate, answers, “The other candidates will have answers that avoid offending either the cat people or the dog people – it’s all part of modern politics, where image trumps truth. I once had a dog, but that was in Vietnam and it was a meal rather than a pet. I was brought up vegetarian (it didn’t stick), and any animals in our house observed the same rules, meaning dull, pointless pets like gerbils. I wanted a snake. I would have fed it gerbils.”

Get a Whiff of This

You guys are the BEST! Turns out you don’t have to get married to start a gift registry; you just have to write a blog. Thank god I learned this before rushing into a doomed union based on a mutual want of a blender.

Imagine my glee when I found 3 sticks of all-American anti-perspirant in my mailbox this morning! (I’m learning to appreciate the little things in life.) I may never stink again. Luckily, it is platinum strength because I’m climbing a lot of mountains these days. The packaging is sparkly and the scents are yummy – mystic rain, southern peach, asian pear. Where to begin?! This would make a Kiwi woman’s head spin. Variety is the spice of life, New Zealand!

Love, Pacific Style

Wellington’s small size can make it too close for comfort. I recently ran into my online suitor GeOff. I did what any mature adult would do in this situation – crossed the street and pretended not to see him. How can one be expected to play the field when she keeps encountering the same players? The same “I play ice hockey in a country that lacks ice” players…

Regretfully, I’m beginning to believe the NZ man drought is a reality. This article provides an update on the man drought I alerted you to a few weeks ago. The young Kiwi male strikes back, complaining that Kiwi women are bossy, demanding, ball-breaking fatties. Stop being so picky! (I’d offer myself up as an exotic American alternative, but 3 of those 4 insults are often hurled at me.) Honestly, the young Kiwi male has nothing to whine about because New Zealand has the most promiscuous women in the world. To further support that claim, I present exhibit #1 – a stray brassiere I recently found on sidewalk. Maybe the Kiwis could learn something about romance from their neighbors across the Tasman. I hear the Aussies are getting along just fine! Review this article, then take the following reading comprehension quiz.

Oral sex is:
a) The new black
b) The new abstinence
c) Contraceptively advantageous
d) An inappropriate topic for a family newspaper
e) All of the above

Correct answer: E. The media here are much more open in covering topics that would be taboo in puritanical America. Can you imagine that prude Ted Koppel discussing America’s “sexual repertoire?” Gross – let’s leave it to Australia. The upside to all this “openness” is that I encounter plenty of nudity on network TV. Score!

Have You Any Wool?

I recently had my first up-close and personal encounter with a sheep. It was awesome! Look at this guy... just chilling on the hill, keeping an eye on the city below.

Kiwi Culture, Continued

I read an interesting article in last weekend’s news magazine (like the Parade magazine inserted in your Sunday newspaper) titled “The Flight of the Kiwi: Who do we think we are – and who are we really?” The Flight of the Conchords’ Bret and Jemaine appear on the magazine cover because the article claims their TV show has “nailed the Kiwi identity.” Why? I have no idea. The article contains no support or explanation for this thesis. I was held to higher journalistic standards when I wrote for my college newspaper.

Nevertheless, the article provides some interesting insights into the culture of this tiny nation. It asks whether there is such a thing as an authentic Kiwi persona and, if so, how it can be packaged and sold. I can’t find the full article online, so I’ve included some highlights below.

• What is our symbol? - There is an underground movement to change the NZ flag. “It was time to drop the Southern Cross with its pint-size Union Jack for a silver fern on a black field, or anything that proclaimed loudly: We are not junior Australians. We are not displaced Brits.” My personal observations support this. The Kiwis are not nearly as emotionally attached to their flag as Americans. The NZ flag is my blog profile picture, but you rarely see the flag flying on the streets. Instead, the Kiwis have a great affinity for the geographical outline of their country. The shape of NZ is used on signage, clothing, etc.


• How do we market ourselves? – With the world’s attention focused on NZ during the Lord of the Rings era in the early 2000s, NZ began a “100% Pure” tourism campaign to capitalize on this newfound interest. The campaign has been successful, but many Kiwis are displeased because it shows only “beautiful but empty landscapes, blank canvases for the get-away-from-it-all dreams of European backpackers and Japanese coach-trippers.” They feel the campaign ignores some of NZ’s biggest assets – its people and cities. However, the “100% Pure” campaign will only expand “as clean and green becomes a greater concern in today’s world... Telling the world we are clean and green motivates us to make a bigger effort to become clean and green.” [Note: How green can a country be if none of its buildings are insulated?
  
• How do we compare? – According to the Cultural Detective, a survey used to assess countries’ “social DNA,” the defining characteristics of NZ are - ingenious, fair, restrained, modest, earthy, informal. USA - speed, self-reliance, law and order, equality, speaking up, capitalism. China - face, family, social networks, prosperity, harmony, nationalism. England - privacy, singularity, evolution not revolution, fair play, pragmatism, and social mobility which “reveals a recent shift in the British psyche.” Australia - the fair-go, Jack’s as good as his master, live and let live.


• Crikey, don’t confuse us with the Aussies! - “Where Kiwis are encouraged to be diffident – team players, modest to a fault, a people who don’t skite, don’t impose – Aussies demand an assertive expression of mate-ship and classlessness… NZers will think of Australians as being a bit brash, a bit pushy, a bit loud, and Australians will think of NZers as being a bit too PC.”


• Where do we fit in the world? - “Having a clear national identity, a market positioning, an emotional connection, is vital in an increasingly globalised world. In New York or Dubai, being Kiwi has to stand for something… A strong brand gives people something to live up to. Consider the United States with its Stars and Stripes: the home of the free, the land of science and enterprise.” [Note: Get your facts straight, Kiwis! Land of the free, home of the brave.] “A practical, problem-solving streak is a powerful selling point if we are talking a national brand… It’s a quality in great demand as the world economy becomes increasingly dependent on smart ideas and effective thinking.” Click here for a description of the famous Kiwi ingenuity, the No. 8 fencing wire mentality.


• How do we stay together when we’re apart? – “The things that make Kiwis really successful overseas are the pragmatism, the lack of ego, the ability to be a team player. We’re principled, we’re fair, we’re likable, we’re friendly. The way we are is highly valued where we travel… Of course, this latest example of expat success also touches on one of our biggest self-image problems as a nation – all our top achievers flee abroad… About 1 million NZers [1/5 of the population] have moved away. The more talent we export, the more those who choose to stay can feel like a nation of the second class, the also-rans.” [Note: There is no mention of the timeframe for this outmigration? I doubt 1 million Kiwis left yesterday?] The article stresses the need to keep expats connected to their homeland, to make sure they remain part of International Team Kiwi. It suggests that NZ work toward adding “mobility” to its list of defining characteristics.

There you have it, dear readers! Consider yourself schooled on Kiwi culture. You learn something new everyday!

Newsflash, Part VIII

Wellington has a mystery on its hands! Officials are investigating a giant chunk of "cheese" that washed ashore this weekend. Or is it something else? This article leaves me with so many questions -- Am I the only one who didn't know that perfume is made from whale vomit? Is there really such a thing as a cheese boat? Why do the Kiwis value brie so highly?

Kiwi Culture

New Zealand knows how to party! Watch this video for proof. I hope it plays in the US. Make sure it's on episode 2, then fast forward to the 19 minute mark. The segment ends around minute 23. I know I'm asking you to put in a lot of work, but I can't find a shorter clip on youtube. I promise it is funny.

Jono's New Show is one of few genuine Kiwi TV shows, or at least one of the few I find tolerable. Most of the programming comes from the UK and US, but it is seasons behind. I'm not totally out of the loop though because The Daily Show and The Late Show with David Letterman are only delayed by a few days.

Buzz

New Zealand has big fuzzy bumble bees.

Lucky Me

Some of you have really been paying attention to the blog! In my mailbox this week was a card asking, "Would you be interested in a guy who'd fly to the ends of the earth at your slightest whim?" Yes, please!! Now I have my very own young Kiwi male. Here we are sharing a loving gaze, and there he is waiting for me in bed, playing some Barry White on the ipod. He doesn't quite meet the criteria of being bigger than me, but he keeps his pretty mouth shut.

I also received a lovely box of junk food. I didn't even know they made chocolate flavored Skittles?! Thank god I don't have to share it with that boyfriend. As you can tell, he pays close attention to his figure.

By the way, have I mentioned how much I enjoy cash and diamonds?

Why I Moved Across the World

Swampland

As much as it pains me to give any credit to the rain, I have to admit that it makes for some pretty greenery. New Zealand has are almost 200 species of native ferns. The silver fern is the emblem for the All Blacks rugby team, the name of the national netball team, and the image is depicted widely on flags and clothing. The koru, an unfurling fern, is also an important national symbol often used in jewelry and art. According to the Te Ara NZ Encyclopedia, the koru is often used in Māori art as a symbol of creation because "its circular shape conveys the idea of perpetual movement, and its inward coil suggests a return to the point of origin. The koru therefore symbolises the way in which life both changes and stays the same."

One Year Better

I am SO impressed with those of you who had the foresight to factor the 16-hour time difference into your greetings. The other 98% of you left me feeling like New Zealand's Molly Ringwald. No worries though. Your belated well-wishes gave me the perfect excuse to have a 2-day party. I celebrated New Zealand's 16th and America's 16th, extending into New Zealand's 18th. I'm told I had a lot of fun.

Funny... two birthdays in one year, yet I haven't aged a day. Joke's on you, 27!!

Rain, Rain, Go Away

Tonight's TV weather report:

• Some city in the south island - "Do bear in mind that those showers could do a cheeky little Kiwi tap dance over you before they eegs-it (exit)"
• My city - "Wellington. One word. Rain."

All Black, All Mine

Do you need a pick-me-up on Monday morning? Ladies, this is my gift to you.

Don't know anything about rugby? Don't care about rugby? Don't matter!! Feast your eyes upon NZ's newest All Blacks' player, Richard Kahui. Unlike most young Kiwi males, he's even more appealing when he opens his mouth.

To fully appreciate Richard's "talents," you must watch this video. Rewind. Repeat. Rejoice.

All Shook Up

I experienced my very first earthquake at 9:25pm on Sunday! I've sort of been looking forward to this, but it wasn't too exciting. We survived with nary a broken glass. I felt a rumble, but I wasn't dumped off the couch or anything.

Newsflash, Part VII

This installment of the "newsflash" series will focus on New Zealand's Fashion Week... quite the oxymoron. New Zealand is one week behind New York in the timing of its Fashion Week, one decade behind New York in its fashions.

I'm no fashionista (I miss the Gap), but the styles - like so much else in this country - are a bit behind the times. The uniform of the young Kiwi female involves black tights with slouchy boots and a long bathrobe-style sweater. This type of sweater was popular in 2001. I remember the trend well because I was humiliated by a sweater robe in college. I felt really cool in my new outfit until a sympathetic co-ed stopped me on my way to class. The price tag was still attached.

Layering is understandably in vogue, and everyone wears lots of black. Wellingtonians of all shapes and sizes sport skinny jeans. Trust me, Kiwis. Buy bigger pants. Your thighs will thank you.

• Article #1 - The Kiwis are upset that their most famous model has turned her back on NZ Fashion Week, but they're also proud that she's making it big in Paris. Take that, Linda Evangelista! (I have to dispute this article's claim that Nicole Kidman's sister is a celebrity.)
• Article #2 - A "smattering" of international media are expected to cover the events. "The media are less Vogue and more indie this time, with online seemingly the way to go." Okay, you tell yourself that.
• Article #3 - Always practical, the Kiwis have developed a fireproof and stab-proof fabric. By stab-proof, they mean protective against a butter knife attack.
• Article #4 - Cattiness is an international language! Kiwi models are too blonde, too tanned, and show too much cleavage. I wonder if the young Kiwi male shares this opinion?

Too Legit

I was recently playing the “categories” game with a group of people. I don't know if this game has a real name? Someone picks a category and then everyone takes turns naming an example. The first person to draw a blank is the loser.

The category for this game was “types of time.” Standard time, mountain time, borrowed time, military time… We come to the young Kiwi male in the group, and his answer is “hammer time.” HAMMER TIME!! It just rolls off his tongue.

The ghost of MC Hammer is chasing me around this strange little country and he will not rest until I’m wearing a pair of giant parachute pants.

Break Me Off a Piece

Do you see the green in my Kit Kat Bar? No, it is not moldy (but good guess because everything else in this apartment is damp and disgusting). It has been infused with mint! Has anyone spotted this version of the Kit Kat in the US? Not quite as good as a Girl Scout Thin Mint cookie, but the concept is similar – creamy chocolate exterior with a crunchy mint wafer interior. Yum!

In other news, I am pursuing a career in hand modeling to support my candy habit.

The Dating Game - End

What the eff?? A few days after our date, Jeff (pardon me, GEOFF, with his pretentious extra letters) sends me the following unsolicited message.

• Hey Maureen, I did enjoy meeting you, however I have to say I didn't really feel a spark between us. I believe there has to be some chemistry when meeting someone in order for anything to happen. Regards, Geoff

Thank you, Captain Obvious! Was this really necessary? Do you feel like you’re in control now, big man? Did either of us leave the date under the illusion that we had any interest in seeing or speaking to each other ever again? Was there even a half-hearted “call me?” No. Did you misinterpret my wave goodbye (a WAVE - not a handshake, nor a hug, nor any other form of physical contact) as a “come hither” beckon? Because it wasn’t. Regard this Geoff - my American boyfriends could kick your ass.

One date and I’ve already had enough of the young Kiwi male and his giant ego and bland personality. Reason #521 to always trust my instincts – I will not like the type of guy who joins an online dating site. I have decided to put this social experiment on hold indefinitely.

READER POLL - This email has stirred up debate across New Zealand. Leave your opinion in the comments. Did I overreact? Some say no, this guy is a jerk. Other (less correct) people say this was a nice message. I wouldn't want to be left hanging if we had made plans for future contact, but that wasn't the case here.

The Dating Game - Middle

My foray into the world of online dating is all well and good until it is actually time for my first Kiwi date. Why am I doing this? What are we going to talk about? I remember that it’s not 1955 and people don’t go on “dates” anymore.

Up to this point, I’ve had exactly 2 honest-to-goodness legitimate “first dates” in my entire life. Date #1 was bad from the get-go. Date #2 seemed okay, but I never heard from the guy again. I was disappointed, not because I liked him, but because I couldn’t fathom why he wouldn’t like me. My mom suggested: “He’s not interested because you’re so much younger and you’re leaving the country in a few months.” Wait a minute – isn’t that every man’s dream?! Now I feel even worse! I resist the urge to track him down and break the news: “Listen, pal. You’re a 39-year-old bald bartender. I’m as good as it gets for you.”

Onto NZ bachelor #1 - The first young Kiwi male to have the pleasure of my company is Geoff. (But I dislike that spelling, so I’ll call him as Jeff.) Jeff and I meet for coffee after work. He offers to pay, then his first credit card is declined. Grrreat. He begins disrobing as soon as we sit down. Hold your horses, cowboy! My coffee doesn’t even have whiskey! The tie comes off, but the pants stay on.

The bigger problem is that I can’t understand a flipping word this guy says. I haven’t had much trouble with the Kiwi accent so far, but I also haven’t had long conversations in noisy environments. I smile a lot. I concentrate. Sustained eye contact is a good clue that he’s asked a question, not made a statement.

One of the first questions Jeff asks is, “How are you going to vote?” Point blank, out of nowhere! I kind of laugh, “How am I going to vote?! Um, Obama” (and I alert him to the personal nature of the question). Jeff replies, “No, I mean HOW are you going to vote? Like, what do you have to do?” Note to self: register for absentee ballot. He requests a tutorial about the American political process. Riveting. Half of what I say is probably inaccurate.

If he can ask such pragmatic questions about my country, I’ll do the same. “What’s the deal with 21st birthdays around here?” This has been weighing on me. The Kiwi 21st birthday is like the American Sweet 16, but the significance is a mystery because the drinking age is 18. I’ve perused the selection of 21st birthday cards, but they don’t betray any clues. Jeff says 21 is a milestone because you are considered a real “adult.” No new legal privileges. Much ado about nothing, if you ask me.

Jeff tells me he used to play on the national ice hockey team. I don’t know whether or not this is impressive. Probably not because I haven’t heard a word about ice hockey since arriving in New Zealand… and it is winter.

Continuing on the topic of sport (singular - Kiwis don’t say “sports”), Jeff makes some cockamamie claim about NZ having done better than the US in the Olympics. Obviously false (!), but I give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he is trying to initiate a flirty fight. However, I don't take the bait. I don't even bother to defend my homeland.

I’m sorry, America. He’s not worth our energy.

The Dating Game - Beginning

Young Kiwi male, you don’t scare me! The warnings to steer clear only pique my interest. I’ve got you in my crosshairs. I will capture and tame you. On second thought, maybe I won’t tame you. Mmm... ladies, you know what I’m talkin ‘bout!

I have joined a New Zealand online dating service. No, I can’t say this with a straight face. I debated whether to divulge this on the blog, but what the hell? Best case scenario - the dating aids in my social development. Worst case scenario - I get abducted.

This is something I wouldn’t do at home, not because I worried about abduction, but because I wouldn’t expect to like a guy who joined an online dating service. That expectation hasn’t changed, but I have loads of free time and I know exactly 3 people in this city. Plus, it is my duty to educate you, my dear readers, about all aspects of Kiwi life. So let’s give it a go! I will approach the young Kiwi male as an American anthropologist, not as a desperate woman hurtling toward 30 at lightening speed.

The ground rules:

• I will not pursue anyone. I will wait for the young Kiwi male to come to me.
• I will not respond to any virtual “smiles.” It takes one click of the mouse to send a smile. You’re gonna have to work harder than that.
• I will respond to messages from men between the ages of 26-38 without children who have a normal screen name. (Sorry, “tallnsexy.” I’d bet the farm that you’re anything but.) The messages must be somewhat personalized, cannot be crude and cannot be marred by grammar/spelling errors. Poor syntax turns me off.
• I will end the communication if the man does not bite the bullet and suggest an in-person date within 4 messages.
• Safety precautions are put in place. Either A) the date will occur at the restaurant where Caroline works so she can supervise; or B) Dawn will send a text message 30 minutes into the date to inquire if I am still alive.

A friend once observed of my taste in men: “I wouldn’t say you have high standards, but I’d say you have very specific standards.” These standards will be used to assess the manliness and suitability of the young Kiwi male.

• Is he bigger than me?
• Can he drink more than me?
• Is he presentable but not pretty?
• Could he hold his own in a bar brawl?
• Is he both smart and funny?
• Has he mastered the art of the flirty fight?

To summarize – I will put forth as little effort as possible. I will act standoffish so as to avoid rejection. I will judge the man according to a set of impossibly rigid criteria.

I know, I know… you’re wondering how it’s possible that a catch like me is still single. I don’t know either.

Newsflash, Part VI

Let me assure you that it is still winter here in the southern hemisphere. You can tell because there is snow on the mountains and people continue to destroy themselves and their property in ill-advised attempts to beat the cold.

I hope article #1 convinces you to keep your grill outside. The follow-up provided in article #2 suggests these people didn't heed their sparky's warning "don't drink and fry."

Article #3 describes another deadly weekend accident. I consulted Google to find out more about "sleepouts." It seems these flammable shacks are constructed to house society's rejects - the young, the old, the single, and the unwanted houseguest.

• "A sleepout is a particularly New Zealand term for a building that is either attached to an existing structure on the property which is not the main building (such as a garage or a barn), or a small stand alone structure that is used for accommodation away from the main home. There are a variety of uses for NZ sleepouts; really, the use is only limited by the owner's imagination, but here are several typical uses: accommodation, office space, children's playroom, storage, workshop. The most widespread use of a sleepout in NZ is accommodation. Here are some of the usual occupants of a sleepout in New Zealand: 1) Many NZ sleepouts house a teenager, keen on a wee bit of independence, but too young and too poor to leave home and still very dependant on the home cooking and laundry service! The sleepout, adorned with posters, television set, DVD player, stereo and perhaps even computer, gives the adolescent the illusion of independence. And it does have the advantage of moving the music away from long suffering parents! 2) The newly single, in the aftermath of divorce or relationship break up, seeking board with an element of privacy. 3) Some people keep a sleepout in NZ for guests, permanently made up and ready for use. 4) More elaborate and better serviced buildings are used for older family members in NZ, although the term 'granny flat' better describes this situation."
  

Aftermath

Did you ever wake up after a night out and groggily roll over to find something unexpected and unwelcome staring you in the face? You wonder - Did I really do that? How did this thing get in my bedroom? What was I thinking? On Sunday morning, I stumble upon this evidence of Saturday night's sins. TimTams, you never stood a chance.

Play that Funky Music

They're hiding from the DJ! On Saturday I went to the San Francisco Bathhouse, which fancies itself as "Wellington’s premiere live music venue featuring an eclectic mix of local, national and international acts cutting across many genres, subgenres, scenes and micro-scenes."

Hmm... the playlist doesn't exactly support this claim. It is a normal Saturday night, not 90s hip-hop night. These are the first 4 songs I hear.

• Kris Kross - "Jump" Remember these backwards dressing pre-pubescents? Wiggity wiggity wiggity wack!


• Naughty by Nature - "Hip Hop Hooray"


• Montel Jordan - "This is How We Do It"


• Salt n Pepa - "Push It" "This dance aint for everybody, only the sexy people."

Don't get me wrong - I love this cheesy music, but it's not exactly cutting edge. The rest of the playlist was just as entertaining, but the memory gets hazy after 4 songs. I believe Annie Lennox had us "Walkin' on Broken Glass."

The musical laughs continued into Sunday. "Can't Touch This" was playing in the grocery store (I told you it was on the TV weather report too! Hammer is huge!) and then I heard some Arrested Development in a coffee shop. I had forgotten that AD was a band before it was an awesome TV show. I'm so glad to have Mr. Wendal back in my life after all these years. The social justice message is just as relevant today as it was in 1993.

City of Brotherly Love Love

I interrupt my regularly scheduled New Zealand blogging to send a special shout-out to my sister and her new fiancee. Congratulations Megan and Alex! Holla!

Don't you crazy kids dare get married without me. I'd hate to miss the ridonkulousness that is Meg at a wedding. The family doesn't call her #1 for nothin'!

As you can see, Meg and Alex are dress-alike Philly Phanatics who took their love of Pennsylvania culture to new level by joining the Amish this summer. However, their stint in Dutch Country was short lived because they were unable to shun their true loves of beer and dizzy bat-spin races. For real, they rock! Watch here.

Don't panic, fellas. One MC gal is off the market, but I'm still accepting proposals.

You Clean Up Good

I’m relieved the Kiwis practice good hygiene despite the outrageous price of toiletries. A bottle of shampoo or conditioner costs up to $20 (the regular stuff, not Frederick Fekkai). Dawn has cut her hair to save money. Plain old Cetaphil face wash is $20, same for lotion. Nail polish is at least $10. Everyday drugstore make-up is very expensive. Cover Girl is New Zealand’s Bobbi Brown! I’ll have to suck it up and shell it out; I can’t be expected to attract the young Kiwi male au natural. I’m working on a tight deadline because things are about to turn ugly. I’m almost out of my beloved curl-sculpting cream gel, and there is a shocking lack of variety in Kiwi hair products.

Deodorant is about $9. It seems to be available only in old-fashioned aerosol form or the kind with the roll-on ball. Eww. I haven’t seen this since my Teen Spirit days. The scent selection is poor. Who wants to smell just like their neighbor? Who still uses roll-on deodorant? Don’t they know that the gel glides on just as smoothly? And hasn’t the world come to appreciate the benefits of an invisible solid? Did this blog just get too personal?

Newsflash, Part V

There are no fewer than 6 skateboard parks in Wellington. According to the city website, "Skateboarding is a popular urban sport with many young people in Wellington." Young people = emo teens with black jeans, canvas sneakers, and flat-ironed hair. (Embrace your curls, Kiwi kids! You're fighting a losing battle. I wish someone had imparted this wisdom to me when I was 14.)

The Waitangi Skatepark by the waterfront has a rock-climbing wall and designated graffiti walls, an open canvas for anyone with a can of spray paint. This gives kids a creative outlet, keeps them occupied and deters crime... except when it doesn't. Kiwi teens, like adolescents the world over, are hoodlums.

Note: I have no evidence that the perpetrators of this crime were skateboarders. I'm sure the emos are a gentle bunch.

Blame it on the Rain

New Zealand has giant worms!!

Anyone else have a hankering for some tequila?

Newsflash, Part IV

How low can it go? This news is cause for celebration! My dollar beats your dollar, Kiwis!

The cost of living is manageable so far. I still pause in stores to mentally calculate the "real" price in US dollars. Prices of restaurant meals, clothing, and rent are comparable to the US. Grocery shopping is an interesting experience. We're in the middle of nowhere so a lot is imported. Kilo for kilo, zucchini is more expensive than lamb. Avocados and kiwifruit are homegrown, cheap, and delicious. By the way, do not confuse the kiwifruit (one word) with the Kiwi (people of New Zealand). Avocado, my new favorite food, is used in everything. The BLT sandwhich becomes a BLAT, which tastes much better than it sounds.

This newsflash is accompanied by a photo of Freyberg Beach, taken today on my walk to the grocery store to stock up on avacados.

Tea for Two

The Alice in Wonderland club that so rudely denied us entrance on a Tuesday afternoon is more welcoming at 3am on a Saturday. Cocktails are served in teapots, which makes me feel very ladylike. Seating is in the form of bean bag chairs, which guarantees a decidedly un-ladylike disembarkment after a few pots of "tea."

Many clubs are open until 5 or 6am. I find that the social acceptability of morning partying is largely dependent on the beverage container. The teacup transitions from night to day more smoothly than a beer bottle. For another example, consider the mimosa. A champagne glass adds a touch of class to any breakfast. Or at least that's what I tell myself. Denial is a beautiful thing!

Caroline suggests it is advantageous to stay out all night because it is cheaper to take the morning bus home instead of a cab. I point out that any transportation savings are offset by the amount of "tea" we continue to buy. She devises a solution: "Let's flirt with boys."