Summer Loving

New Zealand's parks have some eye-popping sculptures...

Inauguration

In my short life, I’ve managed to rack up a few of those “you’ll always remember where you were when…” moments. JFK’s assassination was obviously before my time, but I bet I’m not the only one who could tell you exactly what I was doing when…

• OJ Simpson Verdict – I sat Indian-style on the floor of the Immaculate Heart library with someone clutching my shoe during the build-up to the verdict. As upperclassmen, we 8th graders were granted the privilege to watch the event on live TV.
• Princess Diana’s Death – My cousins and I were huddled at our grandmother’s house post-Ashland’s ABA parade. We were up late awaiting an update from the hospital about my brother, who had been hit by a car earlier that night.
• September 11, 2001 – I was in a shower stall in my college dorm when I overheard some girls talking about a plane crash.

I may have racked up 2 more of these moments in NZ, but only time will tell if these events become part of our collective memory. As I told you previously, I will always remember watching Obama’s election night victory speech in an Irish Pub in Wellington. I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to watch the inauguration because I’m pretty disconnected these days. Luckily, our campsite had a TV room so I set my cell phone alarm clock for 5:30am on Wednesday morning. I unzipped my front door and walked through the darkness and dew-covered grass to the TV room. I was surprised that 5 other American travelers had the same idea! The sun was just starting to come up as Obama was sworn in as President. We simultaneously watched NZ usher in a new day and the US usher in a new era. Unforgettable!

Pit Stop

I am in Oamaru NZ one day longer than originally planned. The bad news is that our car failed its WOF (warrant of fitness) inspection. The good news is that it means I have time to update the blog! Click on this link for an album with new pictures. I wish you could follow along with an interactive map, but you can’t. The highlights include:

• Christchurch – The largest city in the south island also likes to be knows as The Garden City of the World. To its credit, I’ll admit the botanic gardens are the same size as the city center. It’s also the gateway to Antarctica. The Avon River flows through the city, and the architecture gives it an old English feel.
• Akaroa – We took the “scenic route” from Christchurch to Akaroa, a vacation spot on the Banks Peninsula. This route involved steep, winding gravel roads. At one point, a sheep darted into a road. Then I had to hit the breaks when I came around a curve to find the road blocked by 3 large cows. Unreal. Akaroa was the first French settlement in NZ. The French influences can still be felt today. For example, on of the sleepy town’s main attractions is “le mini golf.”
• Ashburton – We spent approximately one hour walking around this town. A shoe saleswoman asked if we planned to spend a couple days in town. Like I said, we exhausted our options in an hour.
• Geraldine – Home of the world’s largest jersey (sweater)! We had an unplanned 2-night stopover in this tiny town to wait out some bad weather, including a hail storm. Needless to say, we traded the tents for beds. Geraldine is also home to “The Tin Shed.” This big tin shed seemed to be part souvenir shop/part petting farm.
• Aoraki/Mt Cook – This national park is home to the Southern Alps, including NZ’s highest peak, Mt Cook. It may have been the first time I’ve used the word awesome to truly mean “awe inspiring.” I assure you the pictures have not been photoshopped! I took a glacier boat tour in the morning and hiked in the afternoon. The park also has a museum that chronicles the pursuits of famous Kiwi Sir Edmund Hilary, the first man to climb Mt Everest. I have not mentioned this before, but “Sir Ed” is the godfather of NZ. They absolutely revere him. He is pictured on the $5 bill and his body laid (lay, was lain?) in state in Wellington when he died in January 08.
• Oamaru – On the way from Mt Cook, we stopped to see some Clay Cliffs and Elephant Rocks (giant limestone boulders that are meant to look like sleeping elephants). Then we hit Oamaru, a popular penguin-watching destination. We “hid” in the rain to watch a yellow-eyed penguin colony come ashore around dusk. They are best seen with binoculars. Then we watched 148 mini blue penguins come ashore under the cover of darkness (around 9:30pm). These little guys are only about 8 inches tall, weigh 1 kilo, and waddle very slowly to their nests. Unfortunately, no photos were allowed. The penguin also appears on the $5 bill, opposite sir Ed. The historic section of Oamaru has lots of neat, old limestone buildings. With the advent of refrigeration, the town became very prosperous in the “frozen meat industry” when its sheep became valuable for more than just wool!

Christchurch

I have arrived safely in Christchurch, NZ (which I believe is the biggest city on the south island). It was a 2 hour drive from Kaikoura this morning. We're treating ourselves to a real luxury... 2 nights in an indoor hostel with beds! (What kind of backwards world am I living in when I consider a hostel to be a luxury?!) They only had 2 beds left, in separate rooms. I will be spending the night with the company of 3 smelly men. Whatever, beats the tent!

All guidebooks recommend booking tours, accommodation, etc. well in advance in the summer season (Dec-Feb). This is the height of tourist season and the Kiwis are traveling too because the kids are on school vacation. I shouldn't be surprised, but I've learned that "booking ahead" in NZ means - let us know when you get here. To date, we have not booked a single hostel or campsite in advance. You just pull up in your car and say, "can we stay here tonight?" I've recently observed/overheard the following things:

• "Can I book a golf reservation for 3 people in 15 minutes?"
• "Can I book 7 people for a wine tasting in about 5 minutes?"
• A sign in a visitors' center - "It is essential to book ahead in the summer. Tours are already booked until mid-January." Since it already IS mid-January, I assume this means tours are available tomorrow.

My main mission tomorrow is to buy a flashlight for the next camping days. The first one burned out in 2 nights, and the 2nd one never worked to begin with. Kiwi crap. The lack of light has been putting me to bed very early.

Blenheim & Kaikoura

I am slowly becoming accustomed to the outdoors lifestyle, adopting the Kiwi ingenuity to make life in a tent more enjoyable. You quickly find new and inventive uses for clothing and household objects. These nights, I am literally counting to sheep to fall asleep! I pop in my ipod when I need to drown out the noise.

Click on this link to view an online album with pictures from the Marlborough region, the towns of Blenheim and Kaikoura. Play the slideshow to see the captions. The south island is beautiful, and I am struck by how quickly the landscape changes. These pictures cover the following activities:

• Vineyard tour in Blenheim - This little town of 4000 people has over 100 wineries. Cheers!
• Drive from Blenheim down the coast to Kaikoura (an old whaling town). The coast is covered in dry mountains that look to be constructed from straw
• Sheep shearing show! So much fun! This is what NZ is all about.
• Whale Watching Cruise - We saw 4 sperm whales. The whales are up to 18 meters and weigh 30 tons. One tooth weighs a kilo. Only about 10% of their body mass can be seen at the water's surface. Kaikoura has so many whales relatively close to the land because there is a huge underwater canyon (over 1600 meters deep) just a few miles offshore. The whales flip up their tails before going for a dive. When the tail slaps the water, it creates a "footprint," a large pool of perfectly still water in the otherwise very choppy ocean. It was one of the coolest things I have ever seen! We also encountered a group of ~200 dusky dolphins (present only in the southern hemisphere). They were jumping and flipping in the air right in front of the boat!
• Hike along the Kaikoura peninsula coast - the place is teeming with fur seals. They blend in with the rocks so well that I almost stepped on one. This is very dangerous because they bite.
• Notice the crayfish stand where we ate lunch. These little stands are all over the coast and have a reputation for very good seafood. I was brave and gave the mussels another shot, thinking my weekend illness was a fluke. Well, I must have some kind of allergy because the mussels won again. Imagine how lovely it feels to be sick in a campsite under the hot sun. Never again!

Tomorrow, we are Christchurch-bound!

Change of Pace

I only have 10 minutes of internet time, so let me quickly update you on the last 3 nights.

1) Last night in Wellington in a proper house with a proper bed -- dog pees all over bed during the night.

2) First night in south island in the adorable little cottage I mentioned earlier (the last night I'll have a bed for quite a while) -- At approximately 9pm, I had a delicious dinner of famous Marlborough green lipped mussels. At approximately 12am, I began vomiting every hour on the hour.

Young Kiwi male leaves to return to real life and I re-unite with Dawn.

3) First night in the tent - It is difficult for me to put this thing up by myself. The campsite is less than 50 feet away from a bunch of wild sheep that are baa-ing their freaking faces off. Ducks wander up to the tent. My feet are COVERED in sandfly bites. Think about a swarm of mosquitoes... then multiply by about 100 and you have the NZ sandfly. I wake up in the middle of the night with my feet on fire, but the sleeping bag is so tight that I can't even reach my own feet. And forget that beautiful 88 degrees I mentioned previously. It is again freezing and very windy.

This is a little bit of a shock to the system, but I'm enduring. I keep telling myself... if you can do this, you can do anything. Someday I will look back and this will be a funny story... but that day is not today.

South Island Summer!

I am now even further south in the southern hemisphere after my 3-hour ferry ride across the Cook Strait from Wellington to Picton. The bar on the 8:00am cruise was hopping! It is 88 degrees on this beautiful January day. I will be camping and eating ramen noodles soon enough, so I'm treating myself to a few more precious days of luxury. No reason to rush into this "roughing it" lifestyle. I spent today on the beaches of Picton, and I'm spending tonight in an adorable little cottage. On Saturday, I will tour the Marlborough vineyards, world famous for their sauvignon blanc (and I mean truly world famous, not "world famous in New Zealand").

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to practice pitching my tent...

Pictures from the ferry and Picton, NZ

Fly Away, As Long as You Come Back Someday

My blogging has been so prolific over the last few days to soften the blow of my impending absence. I set sail this morning to spend the summer travelling through the south island of NZ. I'm officially homeless again. I am the reluctant new owner of a flashlight, backpack and tent (safe to say that is the first time I have ever written/spoken those words). If you to contact me, mail a letter to Honda Integra, New Zealand. I have a funny feeling that it would find me.

Needless to say, internet access may be slow and sporadic over the next few weeks/months. Expect the blog to slow down quite a bit, but I'll do my best to keep it updated.

It's only fitting to end this chapter of N to the ZED with an ode to Wellywood. What a wonderful place to have lived for the last almost 6 months! I've had heaps of fun! I leave with mixed emotions because, in many ways, it was just starting to feel like home. This song "Fly My Pretties" is by a Kiwi band of the same name. It is a love song to Wellington with lyrics about loving home but needing to leave to branch out and experience new things. Spreading your wings... preserving your roots... all that good stuff.

Bird's The Word

Based on a previous comment about the American Bald Eagle, I feel compelled to pit our national birds against each other in a beak-to-beak competition. Who emerges victorious? You be the judge!

Representing the USA - The Bald Eagle

This regal bird of prey effortlessly soars through American skies from sea to shining sea. It majestically perches atop purple mountains, keeping a watchful eye over our amber waves of grain. This handsome bird commands respect. It even defeated a Viking in last weekend's NFL playoffs!

Representing NZ - The Kiwi

The kiwi is flightless "bird," basically a lump of mousy brown fur with an oversized schnoz. Everyone knows the only flightless bird worth its weight in feathers is a penguin. I could understand if the people of NZ named themselves Kiwis after the delicious fruit, but no, they named themselves Kiwis after this defenseless little creature. In one fell swoop, the bald eagle would easily ensnare the kiwi in its talons. What would the Kiwis call themselves then? Breakfast!

Learn the Lingo! Lesson 6 -Quiz Time!

In honor of NZ’s trivia obsession, I will give bonus points to any reader who can ace this Kiwi linguistics quiz. There are only 2 slang words that have genuinely baffled me thus far. I had to consult Google. I’ll save you the trouble and post the answers in the comments.

1) Define “ta.”
2) Define “arvo.”
3) This picture was taken at the local train station. Now that you know how to speak Kiwi, please tell me HOW MANY PEOPLE DIDN’T CROSS WHERE IT'S SAFE?

Learn the Lingo! Lesson 5 - Field Trip

I recognize that people learn in different ways, so perhaps some readers would benefit from a more "hands on" approach to Kiwi English. Lesson 5 takes you out of the classroom and into the “real world.”

A bench appears on the front porch out of the clear blue sky. I place a phone call.

Me: There is a bench on the porch. Do you know where it came from?
Him: A what?
Me: A bench.
Him: A bench?
Me: That’s what I said. Do you know where it came from?
Him: No. What kind of bench?
Me: (getting frustrated) A wooden bench! It looks brand new.
Him: I have no idea what that’s all about.

In-person conversation a few hours later.

Him: Oh, there’s a seat on the porch!
Me: (frustrated again) Yeah…
Him: I thought you meant a bench, like a countertop. (One of us forgot that America calls elongated outdoor seating “benches,” and one of us forgot that NZ calls kitchen countertops “benches.”)
Me: So you spent all day thinking there was a wooden countertop on the porch?
Him: Well, that’s why I was so confused.

Learn the Lingo! Lesson 4 - Adults Only

Brush up on these terms if you want to really be in the know when you visit NZ. You ain’t gonna find this in Lonely Planet! Please… no questions on how I acquired this particular body of knowledge. I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you.

• Get a root - This is something dirty, but I'm not quite sure if it means have an erection or have sex. Further investigation required. It's a tough job, but somebody's gotta do it.
• P - crystal meth
• Pissed - If a Kiwi is pissed, he is drunk, not angry.
• Tinny - $20 worth of marijuana
• Up the duff - Pregnant
• Y-fronts - Men's underwear briefs

Learn the Lingo! Lesson 3 - Essential Kiwi Terms

You must master this lesson before you are fluent in Kiwi English. This list contains words /phrases that I have judged to be most representative of life in NZ.

• Bogan – the dregs of Kiwi society; any class of derelict. A bogan is a cross between America’s stoner and white trash. It also used to describe something that is particularly budget or doesn’t meet one’s standards. As you can imagine, this word was quickly incorporated into my vocabulary.


• Bro – (refer to “mate”) The sole difference is that “bro” is used only between Kiwi men friends.


• Choice! – A popular phrase meaning “cool.”


• Cheers - a catch-all term for any situation. Thank you! You’re welcome! Goodbye! Hello!


• Dairy – Every other street corner has a dairy. It’s more like an old-timey general store than an American convenience store. The first time I heard the term “dairy,” I assumed it only sold milk, ice cream, etc. Wrong.


• Flick – A Kiwi will never send you an email or a text message. He will never pass you the butter. He will flick it to you.


• It’s alright; It’s cool - you’re welcome, no problem. Kiwis use the world “cool” constantly.


• Jandals (pictured above) -A uniquely Kiwi term for flip-flops. The word “jandal” is specific to NZ, but the footwear is not. That hasn’t stopped NZ from christening the jandal as another one of those “essential Kiwi items.” The image is used in jewelry, art, clothing, etc.


• Mate - As far as I can tell, this word applies to any human being, whether it be your best mate, your flatmate, or your waiter.


• Muppet - This is the most scathing insult the polite Kiwis will utter. "You're a muppet!" The proper response is an equally polite, "Cheers mate!"


• Flash – This word is used heaps. It most often means “flashy” or “fancy.” Check his flash new car. You look flash in that new dress. However, it is also used to describe the weather. As in – the forecast for tomorrow isn’t too flash.


• Good as gold! – A very common phrase in NZ. Has anyone in America said this since 1849 San Francisco??


• Have a think - think. NZ uses the word “think” as a noun, not a verb. A Kiwi has never thought about anything, but he has had a think. If you're searching for a verb that means "to ponder," use the word "reckon" (refer to lesson 2).


• Heaps - a lot of; a ton. Thanks heaps. I have heaps of time. There are heaps of sheep. The word “heaps” is ubiquitous in NZ!! I can’t stress this enough. It’s a perfect example of a word than all Americans can define, but no Americans ever use.


• I will do; I might do – Kiwis often unnecessarily add the word “do” to the end of phrases. In an effort to mock the Kiwis, I once said, “I don’t want to do.” I was chastised for my incorrect attempt at this colloquialism. Oh, excuse me… I didn’t realize there was a proper way to use the English language improperly.


• She'll be right. - No worries; it will work itself out. A perfect example of the Kiwis laid back/lazy attitude. Refer to Newsflash, Part XXIII.


• Sweet as! – I briefly described this phrase in an earlier blog post. It is one of my favorite bits of Kiwi slang! With the Kiwi accent, it often sounds like “sweet ass.” I feel both delighted and objectified (but mostly delighted) every time I think someone just called me “sweet ass.” “Sweet as” is the most common expression, but there are a variety of permutations. Nice as! Happy as! Cold as! After a day at the beach, a young Kiwi male told me he was sunburned as. Pick any adjective and tack on the word “as.” You sound like a Kiwi already, dear readers. Easy as!

Learn the Lingo! Lesson 2 - Everyday Dictionary

You’ll recognize that much of the Kiwi slang is the same as British slang. They also use British spellings - adding a “u” (favourite), dropping the second “l” (enrolment), and replacing “s” with “zed” (analyse). Some of the words/phrases are specific to NZ/Australia. There are even a few that are 100% Kiwi! You’ll already know the meaning of most of these words/phrases, but the difference is that Americans don’t use them in the same context or with the same frequency.

• 111 – 911 (as in, dial 111 in case of emergency)
• Anorak – windbreaker jacket
• Bach - summer vacation home. Nothing fancy, usually a small cabin on the beach.
• Bloke - guy
• Boobtube – tank top
• Boot - car trunk
• Bugger! - Drats! Darn! Shucks!
• Chilly bin - Cooler. Australians call it an eskie.
• Cinema - movie theatre
• Crèche - nursery, daycare
• Crissy Prezzy - Christmas present. Kiwis have an annoying habit of giving cutesy short names to words that don’t need to be shortened. Kindergarten is called “kindee.” Sometimes, it’s like I’m dealing with a bunch of pre-schoolers.
• Drink driving - drunk driving
• Entrée - appetizer. I’ll never make this mistake again! I was very upset when my whole dinner consisted of 4 cold shrimp. NZ menus call main courses “mains.” Go figure.
• Flat - apartment
• Flat white - a very popular coffee drink. An espresso is called a short black. A double espresso is called a long black.
• Fog off – to blow someone off; ignore
• Fortnightly - biweekly. As in, “I pay my rent fortnightly.” I didn’t realize some parts of the world still used this word. I feel like Maureen Shakespeare every time I say it.
• G’day – Good Day. This Australian greeting is also used in NZ, but it seems limited to the older generation.
• Good on ya – good for you
• Lead – dog leash
• Lollies - candy. A mixed bag of candy you assemble with the plastic scooper is called a lolly scramble. I've enjoyed many a Kiwi lolly scramble!
• Mufti – casual dress; dress down day
• Nice – I notice that Kiwis often use this word to describe food. I think Americans tend to say food is “good” or “tastes good,” but Kiwis say food is “nice.”
• Oy! – An exclamation like “hey!” Americans would never say this, but it is ingrained in the Kiwis. This is what they would blurt out if their dog ran into the street. Also common in Australia.
• Partner - The US only uses “partner” to describe same-sex relationships, but NZ uses the term to describe any significant other. You rarely hear husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend. This makes it difficult to tell if someone has a wife or just a girlfriend. Another stumbling block on my search for a partner…
• Petrol - gas
• Plasters – band-aids
• Post - mail. Post is a noun.
• Power point - electrical outlet. Each socket has an individual power switch.
• Reckon - A Kiwi will not ask what you think of a situation. He will ask, "What do you reckon?"
• Rice Bubbles - Rice Krispies. Exact same cereal and packaging, just a different name. Ditto for Sultana Bran (equivalent to Raisin Bran).
• Rubbers - rubber bands
• Rubbish - No one in NZ says “trash” or “garbage.”
• Takeaways - takeout food. In the US, you’re asked “for here or to go?” In NZ, you’re asked “eat here or takeaway?”
• Torch - flashlight
• Trading hours - store’s hours of operation
• Trolley - shopping cart
• Twink – white out; correction fluid. I think this name is more suited for an illicit drug than office supplies.
• Vege - vegetable, veggies.
• Washing - laundry. I’m not sure why people have dryers because everyone (but me) hangs their clothes outside to dry, even in the winter. I’m surprised I haven’t seen anyone using a washboard from the 1800s.
• Whiteware - home appliances
• Windscreen – car windshield

Learn the Lingo! Lesson 1 - The Accent

First thing’s first! Before you learn the Kiwi words, you must learn the Kiwi accent!

I’ve spent countless hours imitating the accent over the last several months. It’s still awful, but it keeps me entertained. The key word in the previous sentence is ME. I’m not brazen enough to put on the accent in front of a native New Zealander. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same about the Kiwis. Many people have asked me to listen to their “Bill Clinton.” Their version of an American accent is always very nasally. I sound nothing like that. The Kiwis apparently agree because I’m often told that I sound Canadian. Irritating. Just last week, a man told me I’d be able to “get away with” saying I’m Canadian. I don’t like the implication there…

This American/Canadian confusion bothers me. Similarly, the Kiwis are bothered that I can’t tell the NZ/Australian accents apart. In fact, I’m ashamed to admit that I knew a few British people for weeks before I realized they weren’t Kiwi. In isolation, I don’t think the British/Kiwi accents sound one bit alike, but everything gets jumbled together in real life. It’s funny what the ear does and doesn’t pick up. There have been many times when a friend asked me if a waitress, clerk, etc. was American. My response is usually, “Huh?” More often than not, the voice (American accent) of the person in question hasn’t even registered with me. I think my brain doesn’t recognize it as “different.” Where’s a linguist/neuroscientist when you need one?

Back to the Kiwi accent… just do your best Australian accent and you’re on the right track. There is a funny language story about my Kiwi boyfriend Jemaine Clement. When he was hired to appear in commercials for Outback Steakhouse, he spent weeks honing his fake Australian accent. Come to find out, the American film crew thought he was from Australia all along and heard no difference between his true Kiwi/fake Australian accents.

The hallmark of the Kiwi accent is the long “e” or "i" sound. “Yes” becomes “yees” or “yis.” It is very draaawn out. The word “bed” is pronounced “bead.” The animal “bear” is pronounced exactly like that tasty beverage “beer.” You’d be surprised how often this causes confusion. I never noticed how often bears up in everyday conversation. Seriously!

The workplace produced the best example of my confusion with the long “e” sound. A woman asked me a question about some leaders. I stared at her blankly. I asked her to repeat herself twice. My mind was racing… “Leaders of what?!?” Then it finally hit me. She was asking about some letters I had written.

I can’t find any internet sources to back me up on this, but I’ve observed similarities between the Boston/Kiwi accents. Kiwis tend to drop their R’s. You know what I mean… “park the car” becomes “pahk the cah.” I wonder if this has something to do with British settlers heading to New England and New Zealand. Food for thought.

Here is a funny Flight of the Conchords clip that touches on the Kiwi accent.

Lolly Cake

It takes a lot to ruin a day at the beach, but this Lolly Cake almost did it. The Lolly Cake is one of New Zealand’s many culinary delights. I have yet to meet a Kiwi who enjoys this treat, but that doesn’t stop every bakery from selling it. I suppose they rely on tourists like me to buy it for sh*ts and giggles. There may have been a dare involved.

All candy are referred to as “lollies” in New Zealand, so this dessert is basically a bundt cake with candy pieces cooked into it. You know how much I love candy, so just imagine how terrible this must be if I’m denouncing it. Really terrible!

The candy pieces are like those old-fashioned chewy orange circus peanuts. Has anyone ever liked circus peanuts? I’m trying to be less judgmental in the new year, so I was careful to take a little nibble from a corner that lacked lolly so I could assess the cake on its own merits. Also terrible. The color of the cake was reddish-brown, but I have no idea what the flavor was supposed to be. The border of the cake was covered in coconut shavings. I typically enjoy coconut, but this lolly cake was beyond repair.

(As you can see, the Welly wind does wonders for my hair.)

Endangered Species

A housebroken young Kiwi male

Swoon!

Newsflash, Part XXV

I'm becoming more and more like the Kiwis everyday. Frightening!

• I wasn't the only person in NZ keeping my eye on the good ol' USA this new year's. This silly young Kiwi male took to the Las Vegas strip to attempt a backflip in his truck. He says, "Last year we attempted what was before then thought impossible." He failed to land to backflip, so that means the stunt is still thought impossible. Right??

• Strangely enough, I also wasn't the only person in NZ to suffer a dog bite at a holiday party. I'm happy to report that my wound has healed nicely and I've learned that NZ has never had a case of rabies.

Buried Treasure

The promiscuous Kiwi female strikes again! I found these panties half-buried on Petone beach. I’ve now shown you photographic evidence of a discarded bra, panties, and pair of jeans. I rest my case. All I need is a shirt and I’ll be able to clothe the naked woman I’m eventually bound to encounter.

Bucket Fountain

This Bucket Fountain on Cuba Street is one of Wellington’s most famous landmarks. It makes good use of the abundant rain. Summer is here, but there is no shortage of downpours. Legend has it that Elijah Wood peed into the Bucket Fountain during one crazy night out while filming Lord of the Rings. I suspect that many humans have since imitated this little hobbit.

In other LOTR lore, there is a tiny little bar called Motel that accidentally turned away Liv Tyler one night. How quickly do you think that bouncer got fired? It’s one of those places tucked in a corner without a sign that doesn’t advertize, so it's purposely difficult to find. For instance, check out its useless and frustrating website. Poor Liv didn’t make the cut, but I sure did!

Inedible Jewelry

I'm so impressed with the creative gift-giving inspired by N to the ZED! I've mentioned my newfound affinity for NZ avocados multiple times, and now I can broadcast it to the world by wearing my avocado charm necklace. Cute, unique, and it will always make me think of my time in New Zealand. Thank you!!

I encourage you all to gift your loved ones with jewelry featuring their favorite foods. They even have cuff links for the young Kiwi male in your life. Perfect for that person who has everything... because I guarantee they don't have this!

Zubilee Zoo

Just kidding! Although I wouldn't be one bit surprised to encounter a New Zealand zoo that lacked animals...

This was a fun afternoon because I haven’t been to a zoo in almost 20 years. I remember the year (1990) exactly because my brother was an infant. I enjoyed seeing animals like kangaroos, kookaburras, wallabies, giraffes, and dingoes (all pictured below). However, the graphic “zookeeper says” warning signs were the most entertaining part of the zoo. I’m kicking myself for not taking photos. They featured drawings of dead animals and bloody children to illustrate the dangers of feeding the animals and putting your fingers in the cages. You better believe I kept both my candy and my hands in my pockets!

Mo Ebert

I’ve had to find new ways to entertain myself during all this holiday downtime. Thank goodness for internet piracy. This Kiwi jail is so cute that I wouldn't mind being thrown in the slammer (briefly) for my cyberspace crimes. Send bail money!

• Mad Men – You must watch this AMC show about an advertizing agency in 1960s Manhattan! It makes me grateful to live in an era where women can be more than secretaries. I’ve watched 2 seasons worth of episodes in the last 2 weeks. So begins my love/loathe relationship with the casanova Don Draper. How excited am I to see actor Jon Hamm's guest spot on 30 Rock later this season? Very. Although for a really good time, I think I’d leave Don at home and paint the town read with Joan Holloway.
  

• Seven Pounds – Don’t waste your time. Will Smith gives a good performance, but the plot is equally predictable and implausible. I mean REALLY implausible.

• The Wrestler –Any movie that features a sing-a-long to Ratt’s “Round and Round” gets 2 thumbs up from me! I never thought I’d enjoy a movie about the WWF, but Mickey Rourke is a TOUR DE FORCE!! I give him heaps of credit for making audiences empathize with such a failed and flawed character. I also give props to Marisa Tomei, who proves you’re never too old to paste on a pair of tassels. As if you need another reason to see this movie, a new Bruce Springsteen song plays over the final credits.

• Slumdog Millionaire – This heartwarming film features 2 of my favorite things: boys with foreign accents and gameshows.

• Frost/Nixon – Another very good movie with a very good performance by the lead actor. Frank Langella is a convincing Tricky Dick. However, my favorite character was a young Diane Sawyer. She contributes absolutely nothing to the movie (maybe one line?), but director Ron Howard makes certain the audience knows she is THE Diane Sawyer.
  

• The Curious Case of Benjamin Button – I enjoyed this movie, but at almost 3 hours, it could have sacrificed some quantity without affecting the quality. One review very accurately called it “a pretty man’s Gump.” It started to get a bit creepy when Brad aged into a baby. I used to be thrilled with all things Pitt, but now he and his partner, Saint Angelina, just annoy me.

Excuses, Excuses

New Zealand pretty much shuts down from Christmas until the middle of January. Businesses close; schools start their summer vacations. It’s very common for people to use 2-3 weeks of vacation time to extend their holiday through the entire month of January. As if they aren’t lucky enough to have all this vacation time, the greedy Kiwis are now trying to change Christmas! The end of December isn’t quite warm enough… can we please change the holiday to February? Boohoo!

Some shopkeepers find interesting ways to explain their absences. (And yes, I would say NZ still has genuine “shopkeepers,” just like Mr. Hooper in early 80s Sesame Street). Something tells me these excuses would only fly in NZ...

E-I-E-I-O

Here are some pictures of the charming little farm on which I spent my first Kiwi Christmas. There was good company and good food! The hostess apologized profusely for not having an American pumpkin pie. I said I was happy to learn some new holiday traditions. I changed my mind upon tasting the Christmas pudding. I’ll stick with the pumpkin pie for Christmases to come.

To my dismay, the dairy cows were kept at an off-site location, but I did see some horses! The humans were drinking champagne before noon, and it wasn’t much longer until the horses joined in the fun (thanks to grandma). The horses are pretty big, so I suppose they can handle their booze better than these drunk dogs. Puppy lushes!

The farm was located in the outskirts of Carterton, a rural town that likes to call itself the Daffodil Capitol of the World. No, I did not see a single daffodil. We took a ride into "town" to pick up beer and a razor (not to be used in combination).

Me: Wow, I feel like I just entered the 1930s.
Him: I was wondering which decade you were going to pick.
Me: What would you say?
Him: Maybe the 80s.
Me: 80s?!?!
Him: Oh yeah, I forgot you think Wellington is in the 80s.

If you think you spot a bathtub among the horses, you're correct. I see these all over NZ. I don't know.

Happy New Year!

N to the ZED is back! I know you haven’t left your laptops since late December. Sorry. Just because I’m unemployed doesn’t mean I don’t deserve a holiday vacation.

New Zealand was one the first “major” countries to ring in the New Year. I thought this would lead to all sorts of excitement. After all, it is not that often that New Zealand has the opportunity to lead the world in something. I forgot to take my own advice: “don’t expect much.”

Perhaps the atmosphere would have been different if I had been at a big outdoor event or a bar. Instead, I was in a residential home. I thought, “House parties are fun. We’ll watch the ball drop on TV.” Well, there is no ball! Not even a crystal sheep to lower from the mountain tops! We watched “party music videos” on C4 TV. There was a digital clock in the upper left corner of the screen. One minute, it was 11:59pm. The next, it was 12:00am. No countdown. No anticipation. No Auld Lang Syne. Boooring.

Someone asked if it is tradition in America to have a new year’s kiss. I said yes, but the truth is that my tradition involves meticulously timing my drinking so that I’m in the kitchen topping up the bubbly at the stroke of midnight. It beats awkwardly watching other partygoers make out and then accepting pity hugs at 12:01am. I have my pride, thank you!

On January 1, I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was still 2008. Around 5:30pm (11:30pm EST), I poured myself a glass of holiday cheer and turned on CNN international. Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin were in Times Square. I counted backwards, watched the ball drop , watched the Clintons dance, and celebrated the arrival of the real new year.

I wish you all the very best in 2009, dear readers! The new year has a lot to live up to because my 2008 was pretty great.