Good Tidings to All

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM ACROSS THE DISTANCE!

I don't know if my brother remembers this, but I distinctly recall him saying on Christmas Day 2007 that he wanted to live in New Zealand. I asked, "why?" One year later, here I am.

In one of life's more unlikely scenarios, I will be spending the 2008 holidays on a New Zealand dairy farm. Heaven help me if I have to sleep in a manger. It may have suited JC, but MC don't play that.

All joking aside, I've been touched by the Kiwi kindness recently. People I barely know have asked about my plans and invited me to Christmas dinner at their homes. It warms a wanderer's heart!

Although my American ass will be in New Zealand this holiday season, my American spirit will be elsewhere. Warm up the boilo and have an extra drink for me, dear readers, with a side of Michigan Rocks and Date Pinwheels. I'll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams.



N to the ZED is taking a mini-vacation, but please come back after the holidays for a Kiwi dictionary. And you thought we all spoke English...

O, Christmas Tree!

New Zealand's nice weather is doing nothing to put me in the holiday spirit. I saw some carolers in the Botanic Gardens last week... in short sleeves! Wellington's official Christmas tree is pretty, but it just doesn't feel right to see its ornaments shimmering in the sunlight. Bah humbug!

Kiwis do erect evergreen trees in their homes, but they also embrace the puhutukawa plant this time of year. It is affectionately known as the "New Zealand Christmas tree" because it blooms in December and marks the arrival of the holiday/summer season. Its flowers remind me of fiberoptic filaments.

Holiday Bling

The city's Christmas decorations feature my very favorite thing in Wellington- the orb of silver ferns! These banners are on every lightpole in the city. The orb has been hovering above Civic Square since 1998. It is bright and shiny and makes me smile, even on those all-too-common rainy days.

Cinema, NZ

I don't go to many movies here, mostly because the release dates are often months behind the US. However, I'm looking forward to seeing The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, which opens on Dec 26. I don't think that's too far off from the US date?

As the "cultural capital" of NZ, Wellington differs from the rest of the country in that it has quite a selection of movie theatres. There are some cool little theatres that show primarily independent and foreign films. There are also big cineplexes that show the Hollywood blockbusters, a bit delayed. Wellington is also home to the very impressive Embassy Theatre. With marble floors and sweeping staircases, it looks more like an opera house than a movie theatre. NZ' s favorite son, Peter Jackson, fought and won to have the Embassy host the world premiere of Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King in 2003.

In NZ, you buy your movie tickets at the same concession stand where you buy your popcorn and alcohol. Sometimes the price of admission includes a glass of wine. I'm not sure if I would have liked Smart People as much without the wine.

Movie theatres in NZ have assigned seating. You consult your ticket for your seat number, just like at a Broadway play. This is ridiculous because the theatres are never full. One time, I walked into the Embassy, which seats hundreds of people, to find 20-30 Kiwis sitting elbow-to-elbow in the same corner. I can't believe they comply with this silly rule. These are the same Kiwis who bungee jump in the middle of the city, who set up home on the side of crumbling mountains, whose laissez-faire attitude is killing its children. I took one look at this herd of sheep, put the ticket in my pocket, and sat in a seat of my own choosing.

Who's the Kiwi now, Kiwis?!

Trafalgar Square

Teensy little Waterloo, New Zealand has its very own Trafalgar Square. There is a Chinese restaurant that, um, doubles as a fish 'n chips shop. The similarities with London end there.

Safe in the City

The Wellington police have launched a new advertizing campaign to promote responsible partying this holiday/summer season. Almost 11 years after Carrie Bradshaw first stepped into her Manolos, Welly reminds me to: "Stick with the girls... Stay Safe in the City." There are 4 women, and the font is familiar. The similarities with Sex and the City and NYC end there.

Today's Events

1. I went to a nice-ish restaurant for lunch. Two middle-aged couples were seated at the table next to me. Before they even opened their mouths, I KNEW they were Americans. Why? Because they were holding the NZ dollar bills up to their faces to look at each other through the clear plastic shapes in the corner of the bills. This is why the rest of the world hates us.


2. I saw my first penguin! It was zipping through the waters of the Wellington Harbor. Its torpedo-like moves were too fast for my camera.

Newsflash, Part XXIV

The fallout from office holiday parties continues. Not ready to end the party, these Kiwis stole booze from Parliament. As stupid as this is, it failed to make the list of New Zealand's stupidest crimes of 2008. One of these crimes involves poaching paua shells (aka: abalone), which is apparently taken very seriously in NZ. Heed the warning of this sign!

Keeping Watch Over the City

The Krupp Gun is a cannon that New Zealand troops captured from Germany in Fracne during World War I. It was gifted to New Zeland in 1920 and has been on display in Wellington ever since. It is thought to be the only cannon of its kind remaining from about 190 that were manufactured.

Low Expectations

I have a much deeper appreciation for Flight of the Conchords (watch clip below) after spending 5 months in New Zealand. "Don't expect much... you'll love it." Couldn't have said it better myself!

For example, a number of people told me that I simply must take a day trip to the town of Eastbourne. They described it as a charming little village on the water with lots of cute shops and cafes. On my first attempt to find Eastbourne, I literally drove right past it. I thought to myself: "Surely, this can't be what everyone was talking about." Well, it was. The "town" consists of one block. This picture shows about half of it. I can't fathom how anyone could spend more than 2 hours here, and that includes a 1 hour lunch.

I've learned to take everything with a grain of salt, so I didn't put much stock in the Kiwis' claim that Wellington's suburbs contained a shopping mall, "like what you're used to in America." I've seen what is called a "mall" in Wellington. Believe me, American consumers, it is no mall. So when I finally took a trip to the Queensgate Shopping Center, it was primarily for laughs. To my complete shock, I have to admit that it is an honest-to-goodness mall that could rival any mid-size mall in the US. It surely trumps the Schuylkill Mall. New Zealand surprises me in funny ways sometimes!

At first, I didn't exactly understand why Kiwis described the US as "massive" or having "cool stuff" or "so busy." I'm starting to get it now. It's not like the US has products or gadgets that New Zealand doesn't (except decent deodorant), but everything is on a much smaller scale. All the towns have corner dairies and teeny little stores with painted wooden signs. Many restaurants seat 30 people maximum. It's quaint and charming like a Norman Rockwell painting... until the novelty wears off. There is no suburban sprawl in this country, no giant parking lots, no chain restaurants, no expressways. I'm not saying that is a bad thing, but it is a giant difference. I can understand how a Kiwi would be in awe by walking into a Target (man, do I miss Target). New Zealand's answer to Target and Wal-Mart is "The Warehouse... where everyone gets a bargain" (catchy jingle). It's smaller and more budget than a Wal-Mart (think Ames), but it is a convenient one-stop-shopping destination.

I found myself a ways out of Wellington last night. I knew going to the "barbecue restaurant" was a bad idea, but I had no choice because I was hungry and it was the only place open at the late hour of 7pm. (Welly is awesome, but I have grave concerns about my ability to survive small-town New Zealand in my travels over the next few months). The meal was overpriced and truly awful. Inedible awful. Unfortunately for my dinner companion, this put me in a very foul mood. Just when I was ready to denounce all things Kiwi, they reeled my back in. Upon paying for dinner, we were presented with a proper full-size Christmas card that had been personally signed by every member of the waitstaff and contained a coupon for our next visit. There will be no next visit, but that little bit of Kiwi kindness turned my frown upside down.

She'll Be Right

There is a giant bungy chair ride in the heart of Wellington's nightlife district. I haven't seen it in action, but I imagine it would launch you directly into the building in the background. Why put a deathtrap so close to the pubs? Correct... because this is New Zealand. (You're starting to catch on, dear readers!) I call this an accident waiting to happen. The Kiwis call this Saturday night.

Office Holiday Party, Round 2

The holiday party was the inaugural event for the newly renovated space on floor 2. There had been much debate on how to best utilize this space. Some people wanted shower facilities (a lot of crazy Kiwis bike/run to work). Others wanted more meeting rooms. In the end, they decided to make it into a bar. I kid you not.

The buffet included sausages and Christmas ham. However, there were no buns or rolls in which to sandwich your meat. Instead, there were platters of heavily buttered white bread. Disgusting.

The new area has plenty of open space for... dancing! Yes, it was a dance party. Yes, there was strobe lighting. Yes, I was in my glory. They hired a professional DJ. By about 8pm, both the lighting and people's inhibitions had been turned way down low. What song finally got people moving? "Living on a Prayer." Works every time! I don't think it was supposed to be 80s night, but it just so happens that most songs were from that decade, or else they were oldies. The only exception was Katy Perry's "Hot 'n Cold." Very October 2008. The party was very much like a wedding, in terms of musical selection and in terms of the mixed crowd. Many older employees obviously don't drink/dance that often anymore.

Best dancer of the night? Slick Ultra, hands down. He is a mean breakdancer! I can't believe I didn't mention this sooner, but there is a 40-year-old employee whose legal name is Slick Ultra. He was baptized as Stuart. I wish I had a photo. I still haven't decided if he wears a wig or if his hair is naturally that crazy.

In an effort to protect the new carpeting from spills, the entire floorspace was covered with tarps taped together and then taped to the wall. This seems like a good idea at first, but what do you think happens when people spill their drinks on the tarps? It was a virtual slip 'n slide by the end of the night. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Newsflash, Part XXIII

All of a sudden, New Zealand is concerned that its "she'll be right" attitude is killing its kids. Kiwis, I've been telling you this for months! "She'll be right" is a common expression that reflects the Kiwis' laid-back/reckless attitude. It means: don't worry; it's okay; surely my child won't plummet to his death. I am amazed by the number of backyard trampolines in this country. Remember that Wellington backyards are mountainsides.

If you need further evidence that New Zealand is out of touch with its childrens' needs, read about this calendar of naked doctors. "In retrospect, we have realised this calendar is not the right initiative to raise money for a children's charity."

2009 is just around the corner. Buy your calendars here. Show us your bits, young Kiwi male!

I Blame Televison

Here are some additional comments/questions I've received about the US. Keep in mind that most of them are: a) said in a joking manner; or b) came from a particular co-worker who is not the sharpest crayon in the box. She constantly touched me and called me sweetie. I hated it.

Regardless of their origins, the questions provide some insight into Kiwi perceptions of the US.

• Did I throw my cap in the air at graduation?
• Does everyone in America get boob jobs? (One look at me answers this question.)
• Did I live in the dorms at University? Do I wish I could go back? (It's a rite of passage, but not one I'm eager to repeat.)
• Did I have a Sweet 16 party? (I would like to hunt down and choke the person responsible for MTV's My Super Sweet 16. What a tragedy.)
• Did I live through a hurricane?
• You're quiet for an American.
• It must be cool to get Chinese take-away in the cardboard containers with the metal handles. (Apparently, NZ packages all leftover Chinese food in styrofoam.)
• All 20-something Americans live in loft apartments.
• All Americans shop at the Gap.
• Does George Bush move out of the White House tomorrow? (asked on election day)
• Will Barack Obama's face be put on money?
• Do you like Paris Hilton? Do you like Keanu Reeves? (Insert your own joke about combined IQ score.)
• You guys have heaps of cool things in America!
• Is New York City safe?
• Did you grow up in a place like Laguna Beach or the Hills? (Oh sweetie, if you only knew...)

Tip Top

Someone recently asked if I had overcome my tipping habit. I was thisclose to launching into a tirade about how not all of Pennsylvania is farmland and how I've never tipped a cow. Then he clarified: "You know, a gratuity?" (Oops. I've heard too many Amish jokes.) Tipping is not customary in New Zealand.

It's true that it was difficult to overcome this habit. In fact, I may have offended the man who delivered my bed by offering him a tip. On the other hand, a cab driver seemed overjoyed by my small tip. Then I felt like a sucker. The lack of tipping is most noticeable in restaurants, but the payment circumstances make it difficult to tip. Even in nice restaurants, you're usually expected to walk up to the the counter/bar to pay when you're done your meal. (There were some looong waits for the bill before I caught on to this practice.) It would be strange to go back to the table with a tip, and there is no space to add a tip on credit card slips.

I've now become so accustomed not tipping that I will probably be an accidental cheapskate upon my return to the US.

Stop and Smell the Roses

What a difference a few months make! Compare Wellington's Lady Norwood Rose Garden in the monsoon that was August versus the gloriousness that is December.

My smile in the August photo is totally fake, by the way. I was miserable.

Newsflash, Part XXII

I think the Dominion Post reporters read N to the Zed for story ideas. The coincidences are becoming eerie. I just told you about the immense popularity of text messaging in NZ. This article debates the time-saving benefits of text language.

When I took my car to the mechanic this morning*, the registration sheet prompted me to select my preferred method of contact. I circled "text message." When in Rome...

* Not to worry - my trusty Integra is fine. It just needs a check-up before it becomes my main source shelter next month.

Hang the Mistletoe!

You might wake up with more than a hangover this holiday season! 49% of Kiwis would like to hook up with a co-worker at their office Christmas party. Despite the survey's small sample size and the questionable motives of its sponsor (a condom manufacturer), I am still inclined to believe this statistic. Didn't I tell you my department's beach party was cuh-razy? Take my word for it.

The season of giving, and receiving (!), continues. The holiday party for the entire office will be held this Friday evening. The venue isn't as impressive (office building vs. beach), but I'm sure the antics will remain entertaining. A strongly-worded memo was sent to all managers to stress that the party is for staff only. Ex-employees and spouses are banned because they seem to have caused a ruckus in years past. However, an exception was made for one and only one person... yours truly! (My contract ended last week.) The Kiwis love me. And let's be honest... when have I ever been known to cause a ruckus?

Beached As

This viral video is making its way around New Zealand. Some Australians put the video together to mock the NZ accent and slang. Many Kiwis think this is very funny, but I do not find it the least bit entertaining. I bet you can't wait to watch it after that ringing endorsement!

Note: Kiwis use the word "bro" a lot.

Botany

Here are some more of those famous koru ferns, along with a New Zealand plant called the "creeping lawyer." Haha. Sorry, lawyer friends! Don't kill the messenger.

Airport Beach

The Wellington airport is located pretty much directly on the beach. You can almost reach out and touch the planes. The one and only runway extends into the water.

This bottom left corner of this sign tells me the slogan for the Wellington airport is "Wild at Heart." Does anyone else see problem with this? Where are we... Bangkok?! I like my airports to be the opposite of wild - regimented, scheduled, German.

SPF

Three cheers for December in New Zealand! Tank tops! Convertibles! Beaches! Daylight until 9pm! I thought the day would never come.

This weekend, I learned the hard way that NZ has the highest UV ratings in the world due to the lack of ozone. I then paid $18 for a small bottle of sunscreen (on sale from $25). I will pay any price to remain wrinkle free.

Newsflash, Part XXI

The 6th most googled topic in New Zealand in 2008 was (drumroll please)... the word "google." Oh Kiwis, you kill me.

Eyes Peeled

I cannot wait to see my first New Zealand penguin!!

(Kia Tupato is Maori for "be careful." Not sure about the bottom line - probably "Silly American, leave the penguins alone.")

Party People

My department had an early Christmas party on Friday at Paekakariki Beach, 45 minutes north of Wellington on the Kapiti Coast. It was a beautiful day! For entertainment purposes, there was beach cricket and IRB boat rides. This is basically an inflatable speed boat that fits 2 people. It was very fast and very fun.

There was plenty of entertainment even without those activities. Remember that a normal Friday at work involves 2-3 hours of drinking... then try to imagine what these Kiwis do at a legitimate "party." It did not disappoint! I've been to some parties in my day, and this one ranked right up there.

The festivities began at 1:00pm. Maybe 3 people took the free shuttle van back to the city at 7pm. The rest of us had to fend for ourselves by taking a train home the next day. When I called it a night at 2:00am, some people were still going strong. In the morning, I found someone asleep on the couch in swimming trunks and a cowboy hat.

Let me put it this way -- the accidental revelation that I have been secretly dating a co-worker (now you know too) was barely a blip on the radar screen. What would normally be juicy office gossip paled in comparison to other events. These events included karaoke, salsa dancing, crying, kissing, physical violence, many lost belongings, etc. There was a barbecue fire that melted the knobs off the grill. Don't ask me how some of these people are going to show their faces on Monday morning. I'm embarrassed for them.

I'm proud to report that I was well-behaved and uninvolved in the drama. However, I did suffer a nasty party injury. Someone's dog stole a bottle of Advil from my purse. After chasing him into a corner, I made my move to retrieve the bottle from his mouth. Instead, I came away with a bitten hand and jammed finger. I decided to let that stupid dog keep the Advil, and I don't care if he OD'ed. All I want for Christmas is to be rabies-free.

Elusive young Kiwi male - rear view, hands full

Newsflash, Part XX

Some recent news for the animal lovers:

• Lock up your horses. I don't know how the humans could tell that Red was "exhausted and a bit sore," but I'm glad he arrived home safely.
• Here's something really freaky - a two-headed Australian kitten
• Giraffes set sail!
• In an avian case of mistaken identity, the police held a family at gunpoint to seize their pet parrot.
• While police were preoccupied with that important birdnapping, there was a REAL animal on the loose in downtown Wellington. Silent but furious!

Keep Your Pants On

Further evidence of the promiscuity of the Kiwi female

Sunset - as seen from living room

Gobble, Gobble

Happy Thanksgiving, dear readers!!

Alas, there is no holiday for me to celebrate in New Zealand. No stuffing, no cranberry sauce, no football. It is very difficult and expensive to buy a turkey. Pumpkin pie doesn't exist here either. A girl recently asked me if I ever ate pumpkin pie in America. Well of course! She asked, "But how do they make it sweet?" I don't know? Add sugar.

I'm no Betty Crocker, but you can see that I gave it my best shot last year. My delicious eggnog/pumpkin pie was the most photographed dessert in the history of Thanksgivings. I wore an apron for cripe's sake! I could make the perfect little housewife! Are you listening, young Kiwi male?

So no holiday for me, but no shortage of things to be grateful for this year... including wonderful family and friends like you!

Newsflash, Part XIX

Police may have been surprised to find a child driving a giant construction truck through the streets of New Zealand... but I'm sure not.

Chocolate Fish

The US has a saying to acknowledge a job well done. “You get a gold star.” This is a little bit tongue-in-cheek, a throwback to elementary school. No one actually gives you a gold star sticker… at least not since your 4th grade spelling test.

NZ also has a saying to acknowledge a job well done. “You get a chocolate fish.” The difference is that the Kiwis will physically hand you a chocolate fish, another one of those “essential Kiwi items.” It is a strawberry peep-like marshmallow with a chocolate shell in the shape of a minnow. You also get a chocolate fish on your saucer when you order a fancy coffee drink like a mochaccino.

Rumor has it that the chocolate fish is typically 6-8 inches; however, I find that the mini 2 inch version is much more common. (Sound familiar, girls??) Believe me, dear readers, size does not matter. Smaller is better because the chocolate fish is more like a punishment than a reward. It is kind of gross. When I’m in charge, I will passive-aggressively distribute chocolate fish to poor performers. The high achievers will be lauded with TimTams and Starburst. Or maybe I’ll expect them to tirelessly work their tails off without recognition or reward. That's the American way, after all.

Returning to the topic of stars, New Zealand loves the saying “You’re a star.” This strikes me as very old-fashioned. I picture granddads saying it in the 1950s. I picture black-and-white Hollywood glamour… a skeevy agent telling a young Marilyn Monroe that he’ll make her famous.

Whenever I complete some menial task at work, people say, “Thanks Maureen, you’re a star!”* I hear this left and right. Please, Kiwis, tell me something I don't know.

* When this praise is delivered via email, it is often written as "YOUR a star!" Guess who didn't get a gold star on the 4th grade spelling test.

Texting Capital of the World

NZ is so far behind the times in so many ways, but they are leaps and bounds ahead of us in one arena. TEXT MESSAGING! NZ has taken this new little bit of technology and run with it. I would put a Kiwi of any age up against an American teenager any day. The Kiwis have very dexterous thumbs! In fact, the title of fastest texter in the world belongs to a young Kiwi male.

I have received maybe 7 phone calls in this country (Miss Popularity), but I regularly have to clear out my phone's inbox. Texting is so prevalent because cell phone calls are crazy expensive. A call is 80 cents per minute, whereas a text message is only 20 cents. I see the appeal of texting, but I am still amused by the degree to which it has invaded society. Texting is not only for young people, and it is not only for chatting with pals. If you can't text in NZ, you'd be totally left in the dust.

How do you enroll to vote? How are you reminded of doctor's appointments? How are you notified of sales at your favorite store? How do you check your bank account balance? How do you enter NZ's many sweepstakes? How do you order a pizza? The answer to all these questions (and much more) is TEXT MESSAGING.

Maybe I'm a slow learner, but I only started texting within the last 2 years. NZ, on the other hand, was already fully immersed in texting 2 years ago. Notice that this article is dated November 2006. For the love of the English language, can we please agree that it is horrible idea to allow text language in school exams? Kiwi kids these days!

C U L8r, dear readers.

Scared Straight

New Zealand has some rather graphic public service announcements - I gather that the country's main problems are gambling, domestic violence and binge drinking. The ads can be disturbing and/or unintentionally funny. I've heard quite a few people discuss this ad, which features a drunk man dropping a child at a picnic. It reminds me of this year's Fourth of July (you know who you are...)

As if you need another reason not to mix alcohol and children -- there was a 6-month-old baby at the office's Drinkie Friday this week. I alerted the baby's attentive father: "Um, he just put a bottle cap in his mouth." I am single-handedly saving New Zealand from itself, one young Kiwi male at a time.

Cookie Time Plane

Kiwis are not content to take a run-of-the-mill gas station pit stop. They spice things up by attaching planes to their gas stations. This Cookie Time plane-turned-cafe is a famous NZ landmark along State Highway One in the town of Mangaweka. It is a DC-3 plane manufactured in America during WWII... much bigger inside than I expected.

I'm Back!

Where have I been the last few days? On death's doorstep. A word of advice - don't ever get sick in a foreign country. The cold I had ignored for 2+ weeks turned into strep throat. Feverish, unable to swallow and with glands the size of cricket balls, I finally took a day off work to seek medical attention.

I opened the yellow pages and started dialing. When that was unsuccessful, I turned to friends for suggestions. I would take a nap, be rejected by a few doctors, take another nap, then be rejected by more doctors. I was discriminated against due to my American accent. Over the course of a day, I called just about every doctor in Wellington. Did the combination of severe illness and intense frustration bring me to tears? Maybe.

Every office referred me to an after hours clinic that costs an outrageous fortune for non-residents. I was almost desperate enough to go there, but at the last minute I found a doctor in the suburbs who was willing to give me an appointment... 24 hours later. I decided to extend my suffering an extra day to save $100.

The registration form at the doctor's office asked for my contact details and citizenship. They made a photocopy of my passport and visa, but asked zero questions about my health or medical history. This was the extent of my exam with the 80-year-old 5 foot tall doctor:

Dr: Are you pregnant?
Me: No.
Dr: Not even a little bit?
Me: Um, I hope not. [A ridiculous question deserves a riduculous answer.]
Dr: Open your mouth and say ahhh.
Me: Ahhh.

And with that, he prescribed me 1000mg of penicillin a day for 10 days. (I think this dose is unusually high?) No exam. No throat culture. The Kiwis will soon be wiped out by a super-bug due to rampant antibiotic resistance. I also asked for a renewal of another prescription. The doctor happily obliged. No questions asked. I would have asked for the good stuff if I had known it would be that easy. If you're a junkie, this is the place to be.

By some miracle, I found a pharmacy that was open until 5:30pm. (Don't forget - this is New Zealand.) They gave me penicillin in a box. There was no accompanying drug information sheet with details about how to take it, possible drug interactions, allergies, side effects, etc. Rules don't apply in New Zealand.

Newsflas, Part XVIII

Men have body image issues too. Young Kiwi male, I promise to overlook your shoulder hair if you promise to overlook my big American ass.

Pump Up the Jams

As I’ve suggested previously, the New Zealand soundtrack is a bit behind the times. The Kiwis really do party like it’s 1999! A regular feature in one of the Welly newspapers involves asking people on the street what’s playing on their ipods. [side note - I recently shared an elevator with someone listening to a discman.] The selections are often old. Not old enough to be classic (Janet Jackson, Rhythm Nation); just old enough to be unexpected (Janet Jackson, Damita Jo).

One day, a shoe store was playing a late 90s boy band dance song. I don’t remember which one – maybe NSync’s "Bye, Bye, Bye," or Backstreet Boys’ "I Want It That Way." Honestly, who can tell the difference? In any case, those chart-toppers are undeniably catchy. You still hear them in American malls from time to time. You bop along and reminisce – “prom night was totally awesome!” In the US, the experience ends there. In New Zealand, the shoe store proceeds to play the entire CD. The CD is at least a decade old, and some of the songs were never popular in the first place.

In another retail/musical mash-up, I was recently Rickrolled in a convenience store. Never gonna get that song out of my head!

To go even further back in time, I can watch hours of music videos on C4 TV. This was my favorite pastime in the 7th grade, which is the last time MTV has shown a music video. In a shocking twist of events (brace yourself...), the music videos broadcast in New Zealand are actually very new and “with it.” Some of the bands are so hip that I’m too old to know them. If you find yourself shoe shopping in New Zealand in 2020, this is the music you’ll hear.

NOT World Famous

I already told you that NZ loves to make fun of Major League Baseball's "World" Series. Well guess what, Kiwis?? You do the exact same thing! Snap!

The tagline for NZ's native L&P Soda is "World Famous in New Zealand" (written on the red banner on the bottles). This non-sensical slogan has taken on a life of its own. Kiwis attach this label to anything they believe to be deserving of world fame. In reality, the term means that an item/person has achieved some degree of popularity in this tiny, isolated nation... nowhere near world famous. By the way, L&P soda is underserving of even local fame. It is gross.

In other soft drink news, soda is commonly referred to as "fizzy drink." NZ has a lot of fruit/citrus sodas that I don't care for. I'm usually a Pepsi girl, but 99% of places only have Coca-Cola. The Coke is often served in a glass bottle with an old-time bottle cap. So cute! Cherry Coke was pulled from the market because it didn't go over so well with Kiwis. Ginger Beer (non-alcholic) is another gross soft drink that is very popular in NZ.

Don't confuse Ginger Beer with Ginger Ale, which is very difficult to find. (I'm told it is here, but I haven't seen it yet.) How am I supposed to have my favorite Ginger Ale and Vanilla Vodka cocktail sans Ginger Ale? It's a tough life.

Overheard in a Welly Restaurant...

A waitress asks a table of men if they would like to order dessert. They order tequila... in a restaurant that lacks a liquor license. I struggle to reconcile the idiocy (tequila for dessert?) and genius (tequila for dessert!) of the young Kiwi male.

Send This to 5 Friends For Good Luck

Just like in the US, Kiwi office workers spend their day forwarding email jokes and chain letters. I used to get at 1 or 2 emails a week that made fun of George Bush in one way or another, but New Zealand is starting to change its tune. Check out the website that was passed around yesterday...
http://www.nothingisimpossible.co.nz/

Newsflash, Part XVII

This article describes the A La Naturelle fashion show taking place in Canterbury this weekend. It shows 2 examples of poor parenting by the Kiwis. 1) Would you let your 17-year-old daughter model topless? Is it still considered "nudity" if there is body paint involved? Naturally, this showing of boobs is expected to draw huge crowds of children (?!) so there will also be a petting zoo and fair rides. 2) Do the NZ police urge parents to watch their children closely? No. They say "Write your cell phone number on junior's hand and we'll call you whenever we find him."

England's Princess Anne is expected to attend that classy fashion show with all the Kiwi kids. Her big brother, Prince Charles, paid his own visit to New Zealand in 1981. This articles contains new revelations about Charles' thoughts on the country. He is quoted as saying: "I am beginning to get fed up with the amount of nonsensical rubbish I take all day and every day." Preachin' to the choir, Chuck!

You Say Zed, I Say Zee

Now that they can't make fun of my President anymore, the Kiwis have taken to making fun of my spelling. At a work meeting, people were trying to come up with a word that is the opposite of seamless. I wasn't supposed to be an active participant in this meeting, but I couldn't stand to watch them stumble over themselves any longer. I offered up "disjointed." Everyone liked this suggestion. The guy writing on the board (yes, like a 4th grade classroom) had his back to us. He asked: "Was that the American?"and commented that I should be happy with the spelling because it didn't have any extra U's. Somone said I'd probably like to "throw a funny ZED in there" (implying that I would write dizjointed instead of disjointed). They all had a good laugh over this. Someone finally tacked on, "Oh we're not making fun of you, Maureen." Sure...

That Other Election

You've been flooding my inbox with questions about the results of NZ's election on Saturday. Okay, not really. I don't care about it either, but I'd be remiss if I didn't notify you of the big change in NZ government. After serving as Prime Minister since 1999 (no term limits in NZ), Helen Clark lost to John Key. Seems like everyone is looking for a change these days! Don't ask me any detailed questions about the candidates, their stances, or the election process. I've been involved in many conversations about these topics, but I can't seem to retain the information. I guess I really am a self-centered American. From what I gather, you cast your vote for a certain political party instead of a particular person.

The election coverage on TV left a lot to be desired. It looked like it was shot with a cell phone camera. There were a few talking heads with laptops gathered around a table. Their most impressive graphics were a series of color-coded bar graphs. This does not begin to compare to CNN, which I hear used holograms to beam people into their studios this year. There was no digital map that expands with the touch of a finger.

I've become so accustomed to speaking my mind here on N to the ZED that I sometimes forget to edit myself in real life. After one too many unsolicited comments about the TV coverage, a Kiwi said: "You just can't help yourself, can you?" Oops. Zip it, Maureen. Honestly though, even the TV anchors realized their sad state. They mentioned numerous times that this election didn't measure up to the excitement of the US election.

Buyer's Remorse

I spent too much money on wine in Martinborough. I wasn't satisfied to taste it; I had to own it. Why did I buy a bottle of sweet dessert wine that I didn’t even like?? Because my name is on the label... the unimpressive label in Times New Roman font that I could easily re-create on my home computer. This vineyard was the last stop on our day-long tour of wine country, which may explain my decision-making.

(But give me a break - it was very difficult to find pencils and keychains with my name when I was kid. "Maureen" is no "Jennifer.")

Streets of Martinborough

John Martin, the founder of Martinborough, wasn't very creative. It's pretty obvious how the town got its name. Its street names aren't any more original. Martin named the streets after places he visited on an 1879 world tour, which included many US states. The town square was laid out to resemble the pattern of the Union Jack. Get your own ideas, Kiwis!!

But I'm happy to see that cold beer is still available in western New York! Shout out to my old hometown of Rochester!

My Humble Abode

If you need me, I'll be spending the rest of my days in this adorable Martinborough cottage... drinking wine, tending to my garden, and eating avacados. Bliss.

Martinborough

Martinborough is a small village (population 1400) in the Wairarapa region of New Zealand. It just might be the cutest place in the world! It is full of sunshine, happiness and good wine. Martinborough is a 1.5 hour drive from Wellington, up state highway 2 through the curvy (scary) Rimutaka Mountains. Despite its proximity to rainy/windy Welly, Martinborough is lucky enough to have a different climate. The town is protected by the surrounding mountains and known as the driest spot in the north island.... prime growing conditions for pinot noir. It was the nicest weather I’ve experienced in NZ. Praise the lord.

The tiny little town square consists of a park, some cafes and shops, a colonial style hotel, and a “museum.” The roads leading out of the town square house over 40 vineyards. After our first two pre-noon tastings, it became necessary to abandon our car and hit the vineyards by foot. We merrily traipsed through the grapes all afternoon. It was delightful!