Newsflash - Thailand Health Alert

Let's forget about Australia's dangers for a moment and re-visit Thailand's dangers. It seems that I got out just in time. Two devoted readers have alerted me to the this article about the mysterious death of a 27-year-old American blogger (not me!). Her fiance put her in a luggage cart and tried to wheel her to the Phi Phi hospital, but it was too late. (Any of this sounding familiar, Kelly??)

More bad news -- you'll remember that I told you my friend Caroline fell ill while we were together in Phuket. She was not pregnant. She did not have swine flu. She had DENGUE FEVER. I just found out she was in a Thai hospital for a week after I left her. She is doing better, but has been advised to consider returning to Ireland for a full recovery. I fired up Google just as soon as I heard this news. I wanted to make sure the disease was not contagious considering that I shared a bed and water bottle (you can't even use tap water to brush your teeth) with her for 3 days. It appears that I'm safe.

Thailand... the gift that keeps on giving.

Newsflash, Aussie Style

Even in times of conflict, the prime minister likes to look good! He forgot that it's not becoming for a grown man to throw a wobbly.

Newsflash, Part XL

Uh-oh, turns out that a blog can get you into trouble! The Kiwis are fighting back against some negative comments on a Aussie blog. Unlike those chicken Aussies, at least I'm not doing this anonymously. My face is plastered all over this site. But just to be safe, let's keep N to ZED between us, okay?

Newsflash, Part XXXIX

Hearts are breaking across New Zealand! Our beloved "Brit" (Bret McKenzie) has married his childhood sweetheart now that she's up the duff. Pass the tissues.

Note: I've been at this so long that I've lost confidence in my Roman numeral abilities. This is supposed to be 39.

Newsflash, Part XXXVIII

Just like in the US, malls in New Zealand are being overrun by teenage hoons. In response, a Christchurch mall will begin playing the tunes of crooner Barry Manilow. This will hopefully drive away the kids and attract a more desirable demographic... middle-aged mothers. I dedicate this blog post to my mom, who recently attended a Barry Manilow concert. No joke!

* Special thanks to Candice for sniffing out this Kiwi news story all the way from Brooklyn!

Newsflash, Part XXXVII

The reader poll in Tuesday's edition of the Wellington's Dominion Post newspaper asked: Do you think an H should be added to Wanganui's (north island town) name?

About 70% of readers said "no" and I agree. Why change it now? However, the poll may not be as silly as it seems on the surface. Changing the town name to Whanganui would change the pronunciation and be a more accurate reflection of its Maori heritage. The Maori "wh" is pronounced like "f."

In addition to English, Maori is an official language of NZ. I rarely hear the language spoken on the street, but Maori was used in all official communications in my government job and it figures prominently in the names of NZ locations.

Take the town of Whakatane for example. Here, you can quickly separate the Kiwis from the wannabes. The tourists refer to this place as "wok-a-tain." However, any true Kiwi (or N to the Zed reader) knows that the correct pronunciation is "fok-a-taw-nee."

Now you know!

Newsflash, Part XXVI

This is the lead story in today's edition of The Southland Times - Ewe Must Be Joking. This is as exciting as the news gets down here.

Newsflash, Part XXV

I'm becoming more and more like the Kiwis everyday. Frightening!

• I wasn't the only person in NZ keeping my eye on the good ol' USA this new year's. This silly young Kiwi male took to the Las Vegas strip to attempt a backflip in his truck. He says, "Last year we attempted what was before then thought impossible." He failed to land to backflip, so that means the stunt is still thought impossible. Right??

• Strangely enough, I also wasn't the only person in NZ to suffer a dog bite at a holiday party. I'm happy to report that my wound has healed nicely and I've learned that NZ has never had a case of rabies.

Newsflash, Part XXIV

The fallout from office holiday parties continues. Not ready to end the party, these Kiwis stole booze from Parliament. As stupid as this is, it failed to make the list of New Zealand's stupidest crimes of 2008. One of these crimes involves poaching paua shells (aka: abalone), which is apparently taken very seriously in NZ. Heed the warning of this sign!

Newsflash, Part XXIII

All of a sudden, New Zealand is concerned that its "she'll be right" attitude is killing its kids. Kiwis, I've been telling you this for months! "She'll be right" is a common expression that reflects the Kiwis' laid-back/reckless attitude. It means: don't worry; it's okay; surely my child won't plummet to his death. I am amazed by the number of backyard trampolines in this country. Remember that Wellington backyards are mountainsides.

If you need further evidence that New Zealand is out of touch with its childrens' needs, read about this calendar of naked doctors. "In retrospect, we have realised this calendar is not the right initiative to raise money for a children's charity."

2009 is just around the corner. Buy your calendars here. Show us your bits, young Kiwi male!

Newsflash, Part XXII

I think the Dominion Post reporters read N to the Zed for story ideas. The coincidences are becoming eerie. I just told you about the immense popularity of text messaging in NZ. This article debates the time-saving benefits of text language.

When I took my car to the mechanic this morning*, the registration sheet prompted me to select my preferred method of contact. I circled "text message." When in Rome...

* Not to worry - my trusty Integra is fine. It just needs a check-up before it becomes my main source shelter next month.

Hang the Mistletoe!

You might wake up with more than a hangover this holiday season! 49% of Kiwis would like to hook up with a co-worker at their office Christmas party. Despite the survey's small sample size and the questionable motives of its sponsor (a condom manufacturer), I am still inclined to believe this statistic. Didn't I tell you my department's beach party was cuh-razy? Take my word for it.

The season of giving, and receiving (!), continues. The holiday party for the entire office will be held this Friday evening. The venue isn't as impressive (office building vs. beach), but I'm sure the antics will remain entertaining. A strongly-worded memo was sent to all managers to stress that the party is for staff only. Ex-employees and spouses are banned because they seem to have caused a ruckus in years past. However, an exception was made for one and only one person... yours truly! (My contract ended last week.) The Kiwis love me. And let's be honest... when have I ever been known to cause a ruckus?

Newsflash, Part XXI

The 6th most googled topic in New Zealand in 2008 was (drumroll please)... the word "google." Oh Kiwis, you kill me.

Newsflash, Part XX

Some recent news for the animal lovers:

• Lock up your horses. I don't know how the humans could tell that Red was "exhausted and a bit sore," but I'm glad he arrived home safely.
• Here's something really freaky - a two-headed Australian kitten
• Giraffes set sail!
• In an avian case of mistaken identity, the police held a family at gunpoint to seize their pet parrot.
• While police were preoccupied with that important birdnapping, there was a REAL animal on the loose in downtown Wellington. Silent but furious!

Newsflash, Part XIX

Police may have been surprised to find a child driving a giant construction truck through the streets of New Zealand... but I'm sure not.

Newsflas, Part XVIII

Men have body image issues too. Young Kiwi male, I promise to overlook your shoulder hair if you promise to overlook my big American ass.

Newsflash, Part XVII

This article describes the A La Naturelle fashion show taking place in Canterbury this weekend. It shows 2 examples of poor parenting by the Kiwis. 1) Would you let your 17-year-old daughter model topless? Is it still considered "nudity" if there is body paint involved? Naturally, this showing of boobs is expected to draw huge crowds of children (?!) so there will also be a petting zoo and fair rides. 2) Do the NZ police urge parents to watch their children closely? No. They say "Write your cell phone number on junior's hand and we'll call you whenever we find him."

England's Princess Anne is expected to attend that classy fashion show with all the Kiwi kids. Her big brother, Prince Charles, paid his own visit to New Zealand in 1981. This articles contains new revelations about Charles' thoughts on the country. He is quoted as saying: "I am beginning to get fed up with the amount of nonsensical rubbish I take all day and every day." Preachin' to the choir, Chuck!

Newsflash, Part XVI

One time and one time only, I agree with a Kiwi reporter's approach to a news story. I, too, wonder how someone could be unintentionally punched in the head. The Mount Victoria tunnel, the scene of the crime, is one of the major routes connecting my neighborhood to the Welly city center. The incessant honking is very irritating. I would like to intentionally punch some of those drivers in the head.

Newsflash, Part XV

A random smattering of recent NZ news:

• "Try to Trick Vomit Man if You Dare" - I just said that Halloween was no big deal in NZ, but this Kiwi woman is the exception. Someone should tell her that Monica Lewinsky isn't blonde.

• In other news that will make you want to vomit, read about NZ's entry into the "soft meat" industry.

• "Wild Sex in the Sanctuary" - I dare you to resist clicking on this headline.

• This article includes interviews with American expats voting from NZ. Bob from Missouri would vote for Obama... if only all his political views were different. I have to work, so I'll miss NZ's election day coverage. (I feel like I'm eavesdropping when I watch NZ coverage of American news). Please send email updates on your Tuesday evening (my Wednesday afternoon) to keep me amused at the office. I'm looking forward to the end of the election so the Kiwis finally stop grilling me about my voting record.

Newsflash, Part XIV

This article describes a new advertising campaign designed to lure British men to New Zealand. In another showing of Kiwi ingenuity, New Zealand has started to promote the promiscuity of its women for tourism purposes. Most countries would be ashamed, but New Zealand is just happy to finally be #1 at something. (Prostitution is legal here, by the way...)

Interestingly enough, I don't remember seeing any ads designed to alert young American women about NZ's man drought. Thanks a lot, Kiwis!