But It Cuts Off My Circulation...

I’ve been quietly observing a disturbing new trend in New Zealand. I didn’t want to believe it was true, but after having my hopes dashed one too many times, I finally asked a Kiwi for confirmation. “Do men wear wedding rings here?” The response: Some do; some don’t. Women still want diamonds, but it is becoming more and more common for men in their 20s and 30s to forgo the wedding ring. New Zealand will not conform!

I think I speak for all of womankind when I say: What in the SAM HELL are you trying to pull??This makes my job soooo much more difficult. When a girl reaches a certain age (25ish), she is trained to check out a man's finger even before checking out his butt.

• Red Light - Ring on finger. Abort mission.
• Yellow Light - Tanned finger with a band of white skin; also known as a “husband’s tan.” Proceed with caution. Determine if he is newly divorced (in which case, proceed with even more caution) or if he is simply hiding his ring in his pocket for the night.
• Green Light - No ring. Full steam ahead!

NZ's refusal to play by the rules is totally throwing me off my game. Imagine a girl’s disappointment when she discovers, for example, that a man who appeared to be a promising new prospect is actually the happily married father of 6-month-old baby. Quit playing games with my heart, young Kiwi male!

And, wives of NZ, I don’t understand your game either. You must be the promiscuous Kiwi women whom I’ve read so much about. Or are you just too trusting/gullible? I’m not a particularly jealous person, but I can assure you that my (imaginary) husband will be wearing a wedding ring.

Sugar Snake

Remember when I told you that New Zealand had giant earthworms? The same is true of their gummi worms! I enjoy the gummi variety much more. This is the closest thing to a snake you will find in New Zealand. They don't have bears either!

(The apple is pictured for scale.)

Mexican Sleeping Bean

Spring has brought different weather to Wellington , but not necessarily better weather. The days are either miserable or gorgeous – no in between – and I’ve never seen conditions change so suddenly. When it rains, it POURS, and the wind can only be described as violent. This picture shows what my deck looks like every morning. Why do we continue to leave these items outside only to be whipped about and cleaned up again and again?? Good question. Ask my roommate.

The temperature is usually in the upper 50s or lower 60s, but temperature isn’t the best measure of conditions. It all depends on the amount of sun and/or wind. It drops to the low 50s overnight. I can now sleep in this temperature relatively comfortably, which shocks me. It is testament to the ability of human beings to adapt to extreme conditions. Next thing you know, I’ll be covering my food in tomato sauce! I no longer bother to turn on my little electric heater overnight. It never made one bit of difference anyway.

However, the $20 I paid for my trusty fleece blanket is the BEST money I have ever spent. I told you that I was initially using the tightly wound “burrito method” to keep warm. I abandoned this for two reasons: 1) it is a bit warmer now; 2) it occurred to me that in the likely event of a fire caused by my electric heater, it would be impossible to quickly untangle myself from the fleece burrito wrap. The burrito wrap guarantees certain death.

I have now adopted the “taco method,” which involves folding the blanket over myself. You still have cozy fleece on both sides of your body, but you can easily slip out of the taco in case of emergency. Kiwi ingenuity at its best!!

The risk of fire/explosion seems to have diminished with the arrival of spring. However, Mother Nature has delivered a new danger to New Zealand. That violent wind can hurt you! A sheet of corrugated metal can apparently act as a sail, which is unfortunate because everything in this country is constructed from this material. (Don’t worry - the Maureen quoted in this article is not me. I have not married a foolish Kiwi roofer... yet.)

Boobs on Bikes

On Friday afternoon, I noticed the streets of Wellywood were busier than usual and people were standing around instead of walking. I thought to myself, “This is the biggest crowd of people I’ve seen in NZ. Something is up.” Then I heard the roar of motorcycle engines. It turns out that everyone was waiting for the Boobs on Bikes parade. Those promiscuous Kiwi women rode their way straight to Parliament! Dream big, little girls of New Zealand, dream big!

The parade is exactly what it sounds like - lots of boobs, lots of young Kiwi male spectators. A group of high school boys (easily identifiable in their school uniforms) sprinted down the street in a desperate attempt to keep up with the bikes. So young, so full of hope…

A guy next to me said, “You gotta have a lot of self-confidence to do that.” I think the exact opposite is true, but I can’t deny the mesmerizing appeal of Boobs on Bikes. My lunch hour was over before I knew it. I only had time to grab McDonald’s. And guess what… I’m not even embarrassed to admit to my fast food lunch. I proudly identify with all aspects of Americana this week, obesity included!

This is the reason I carry my camera with me at all times in NZ. You never know what you’re gonna see! Blogger may terminate my account if I publish objectionable content, so please email me if you’re feeling particularly lonely and need photographic evidence this event.

Newsflash, Part XVI

One time and one time only, I agree with a Kiwi reporter's approach to a news story. I, too, wonder how someone could be unintentionally punched in the head. The Mount Victoria tunnel, the scene of the crime, is one of the major routes connecting my neighborhood to the Welly city center. The incessant honking is very irritating. I would like to intentionally punch some of those drivers in the head.

Guy Fawkes Day

Even in New Zealand, Guy Fawkes Day (Nov 5) was completely overshadowed by the US election. Regardless, I still want to tell you about this holiday handed down from Britain. It's more like a tradition than a legitimate holiday. Guy Fawkes tried to blow up the Houses of Parliament back in the day. We celebrate his failed explosion by setting off an explosion of our own. This is THE night for fireworks in NZ! Fireworks are available for public purchase for only a few days in November. The selection has been severely restricted over the last decade, and sales have been limited to adults (imagine that!) because Kiwis tend to blow themselves up. No surprises there!

Sadly, I missed the big fireworks display along the Welly waterfront. Oh well, it was cold outside. An extended stay at the pub for Obama's victory celebration delayed dinner. I heard the fireworks mid-bite, then I realized we were the only people left in the restaurant.

Me: We're missing it!

Him: Sorry, I didn't think it would start until 10.

Me: Let's go!

Him: But we just got our food.

Me: But it's my first Guy Fawkes Day!

Him: But I'm hungry. You're just going to tell me it doesn't compare to the 4th of July anyway.

Me: Probably. [am I that easy to read??]

Him: You might be right. It's not that good.

Young Kiwi male, you need to work on your timing, but at least you know where you stand.

"A New Dawn"

At the risk of beating a dead horse, I must again tell you how closely NZ was following the election. It genuinely surprised me… in a good way. People all around the world stopped to hear Obama speak. It was my Wednesday evening, your late Tuesday night, but the same moment in time. It made the world feel both very big and very small. It really hit home. Everyone was watching and waiting for results, but you were one of the few who had the right to participate in the process. Even if your candidate didn’t win, I think you can still appreciate the significance of the event. I don’t know how divided the US is right now, but NZ is happy. They think we did a really cool thing!

I came across this AP article about how the election has affected American expats. My experience is not as dramatic, but the idea is the same. The last few months have opened my eyes to how the rest of the world views the US. I wasn't surprised, but it's still jarring to experience it firsthand. NZ is an easy-going country that occupies its own little corner of the world. It’s certainly not a hostile environment, but I’m regularly asked about the war on terror, Bushisms, Hurricane Katrina, civil liberties, etc, etc. It's almost always good-natured, but there have been a few conversations that went on long enough to make me uncomfortable... a few comments said with a tone that put me on the defensive.

The atmosphere was noticeably different today. People congratulated me; they asked intelligent questions; they expressed hope that the world would change for the better. I wasn’t the butt of any jokes. It sounds made-up and cheesy, but a Kiwi told me his faith in America was renewed. He said that New Zealand knows it is insignificant in the grand scheme of things so it looks to America for its lead, for support, for opportunity. That’s all changed in the last few years, but people are optimistic that it can change back. That Kiwi is only one person, but the AP article tells a similar story. I could go on, but the main point is that I’m more aware today than I was yesterday of America’s role in the world and how far-reaching its influence is.

But don’t take my word for it... go to the news! This was the lead story in New Zealand's capital city newspaper today. The front page featured a half-page photo of Obama with the headline “Change Has Come To America.” The rest of the front page was the article text, except for a small column in the bottom right corner. That column's headline was: “That Other Election.” What’s that other election? Oh nothing much… just Saturday’s election for Prime Minister of New Zealand, the highest office in all the land.

Note: Thanks for letting me say my piece. I'm done now. This has been very interesting to me, but it might be a “you had to be there” thing. I promise that N to the ZED will now return to important topics like boys and sheep.

Truly, Madly, Deeply

Dear America,

You're so far away, but I felt so close to you today. I know you've been doubting my loyalty lately. I can't say I blame you, but please remember that it's normal for relationships to go through these rough patches. This is just a break, not a break-up.

I admit that my affair has been totally cliche. I left your security, wealth and status for a younger country that was smaller in size and promised me a good time. I simply couldn't resist! I got carried away, but today got me thinking about all the good times we've shared. Just give me a little more time to sow my wild oats. If you allow me this fling, I promise I'll return to grow old with you.

New Zealand is fun, but my heart belongs to you, America.

Forever yours,

MoCo

President Obama

New Zealand is very pleased with your decision, dear readers! I didn't want to scare anyone, but I was pretty sure I'd need some type of political asylum if you had elected McCain. I mapped a route to the embassy just in case. The Kiwis would have run me and my weapons of mass destruction right out of town! Who would dare make such sweeping generalizations about a country and its people... ;)

My Kiwi co-workers played it cool until about 1:30pm today. At that point, only Kentucky and Vermont had been announced. They asked, "Maureen, what time is it in America?" For the rest of the afternoon, the only thing people talked about was the election. Everyone was checking different websites and comparing notes. They asked again, "Maureen, what time is it in America?" Well, if it was 7:30pm when you asked an hour ago, it is now 8:30pm. By the close of business, Obama had been announced as the winner.

Ever since the Phillies won the World Series, my young Kiwi male baseball fan has developed a sudden interest in American politics. After work, we went to a bar that had been showing CNN coverage of the election since 9am. It was packed to the gills with loud, drunk Americans (and Kiwis). The first thing I heard when I walked in was: "Shots for Barack!" The place fell completely silent when Obama came on to give his victory speech. Then everyone went wild when Obama said "And to all those watching tonight from beyond our shores..." It was very cool! The world really was watching. I will always remember that I was in an Irish pub in New Zealand for this moment of American history. Then I had Chinese food for dinner. What a melting pot!

I Think That I Shall Never See...

... a poem as lovely as a giant New Zealand tree.

By: Joyce Kilmer (with a Maureen C. twist)

Election Quiz

N to the ZED is a self-fulfilling prophecy! When I write about something, it tends to come true. Yesterday, I told you about my American trivia skills. Today, the newspaper dedicated its entire quiz to American politics. I dominated at office "morning tea!" This is obviously an homage to Election Day, Tues Nov 4, which hasn't happened for you, but is almost over for me.

Now you have 2 ways to show your patriotism today: 1) vote; and 2) take the NZ quiz! The correct answers appear in the comments.

1. Who formally selects the US president and vice president?
2. Who comes from the city of Wasilla?
3. What was the middle name of President Richard M. Nixon?
4. What was the nationality of Barack Obama's father?
5. Which US political party abolished slavery?
6. What do the letters "DC" stand for in Washington DC?
7. Which US president pushed the economic reforms known as the New Deal?
8. The US Senate and House of Representatives are jointly known as what?
9. Which part of the US Constitution guarantees freedom of religion, speech, and the press?
10. What make of car is currently used as the official limousine of the US president?

Seeing that I've been an American my entire life, you'd think the Kiwis would shut up and listen to me. But no... the office creep gives me lots of trouble with question #1.

Me: It's the electoral college.
Him: I don't know... what about all that controversy about choosing between Obama and Hillary... you know... don't some votes count more than others? Blah, blah, blah.
Me: Superdelegates?
Him: Yes, that's it.
Me: That's different.
Him: Hmm... I'm not sure.
Me: That's about the nominees. The question is about the winner.
Him: I don't know....
Me: It's the electoral college.

This quiz was right up my alley, but it still gave me an inferiority complex. The Kiwis knew many of the answers. I doubt Americans would fare as well in a quiz about foreign politics. Also, the Kiwis expected me to supplement my answers. They weren't satisfied to learn that FDR started the New Deal; they wanted me to explain the New Deal. I haven't thought about this since the 11th grade.

Of course, quiz time ends with questions about how I'll vote tomorrow and jokes about the war on terror. I explain that I voted weeks ago. I've already told you that people constantly ask who I voted for, but they also want to know the nitty-gritty details of how I voted from abroad. Much of this interest stems from media reports that absentee ballots weren't counted in the 2000 Bush/Gore election.