Newsflash Reciprocity

I have to request a favor from my coal region readers. If I share silly Kiwi news with you, will you share silly Skook news with me? I have been unable to access the Pottsville Republican (my hometown newspaper) website since my arrival in New Zealand. I suspect the problem has something to do with terribly outdated technology in Schuylkill County.

There goes one of my most cherished morning rituals! Which of my former classmates was arrested this weekend? What relative-of-an-acquaintance is in the obituaries and what was his/her crazy nickname back in the day? Who fell into a stripping pit? What is the latest hate crime? If you find the answers, please copy and paste the article into an email. I'd hate to lose my roots.

Newsflash, Part III

Happy Labor Day, Americans! If I had a job, I'd be jealous of your 3 day weekend. Spend your extra day off reading NZ's most interesting news:

• Article #1 -"Hills aren't supposed to move at all." Finally, a Kiwi who speaks my language.
• Article #2 justifies my decision not to live in a van. Be on the lookout for a man with a fat face and stomach! What I find most curious is that the "nice safe place" the girls stayed after the attack is the home of a man they met that night who hunted them down because they didn't immediately return a text message. Hmm, does he happen to have a fat face?
• Article #3 - Lighten up, redheads!
• Article #4 - Auckland's mayor loves a party.
• Article #5 - If you're looking for the young Kiwi male, don't come to New Zealand. This man drought warning is a day late and a dollar short.

Storytime

Given the price of reading material, it’s a wonder that the Kiwis are a literate people. A paperback book costs at least $30 (about 24 US dollars). Hardcover, forget it. People magazine (not that I read such drivel; I prefer The Economist) is over $20. Fashion magazines are closer to $30. Even the Australian and local NZ magazines are over $10. To add insult to injury, there is a 10 cent charge for a plastic bag at the bookstore.

This naturally leads me to the Wellington library. It is a very nice place, but there are some odd rules. First of all, it is not exactly free. There are fees to access the internet, to borrow bestseller books, magazines, all CDs, all DVDs, and books on tape. The charge for interlibrary loan is $14. Basically, the books that no one wants to read are free. The application process for a library card is quite involved. There is a thick welcome packet, and I have to provide the name and address of a reference who does not live with me. Excuse me?? I want to read “He’s Just Not That Into You,” not apply for a mortgage. Plus, my NZ friendships are not ready for this level of intimacy. This is a good motivator for the prompt return of books. I’d be embarrassed if my acquaintances became responsible for my library fines.

I borrow "Angela's Ashes," which I’ve been meaning to read for approximately the last decade. Wow, perfect timing. Frank McCourt's description of his childhood in 1930s Ireland sounds eerily similar to my current living conditions in Wellington.

• "Above all - we were wet... Out in the Atlantic Ocean great sheets of rain gathered to drift slowly up the River Shannon and settle down forever in Limerick. The rain dampened the city from the Feast of Circumcision to New Year's Eve. It created a cacophony of hacking coughs, bronchial rattles, asthmatic wheezes, consumptive croaks. It turned noses into fountains, lungs into bacterial sponges... From October to April the walls of Limerick glistened with the damp. Clothes never dried: tweed and woolen coats housed living things, sometimes sprouted mysterious vegetations. In pubs, steam rose from damp bodies and garments to be inhaled with cigarette and pipe smoke laced with the stale fumes of spilled stout and whiskey and tinged with the odor of piss wafting from the outdoor jakes where many a man puked up his wages."

Newsflash, Part II

Didn't I tell you the Kiwis are lackadaisical about their landslides? The photo caption accompanying this article is "Slip Sliding Away." As we await the destruction of our homes, what is there to do but mellow out to some Simon and Garfunkel? If you're like me, this song will be stuck in your head all day. You're welcome.

Newsflash, Part I

The New Zealand news can be a bit... strange. I will post relevant examples on the blog. Let's begin with this story. We are in the middle of a national crisis because young Kiwis do not have the self-confidence required to boil an egg.

I was also wary of New Zealand's unrefrigerated eggs, but I've been assured this is common egg storage practice outside of the US.

Cold, continued

I bet you thought there was nothing further to say about the heating (or lack thereof) situation in this country. Don't underestimate me! A few recent developments...

1) It hadn't occurred to me that the gas in our propane heater would actually run out from time to time. This is a sad realization. What was once a luxury has become a real event - pile in the car, go to the gas station, refill, drive home, carry that heavy tank up the GD mountain (thank you, Dawn). What a giant pain in the ass. I feel like a pioneer woman going out to chop my own firewood.

2) The Kiwi ingenuity is rubbing off on me. I will now place my laptop computer (essentially an outdated, overheated paperweight) under the covers before bedtime for added warmth.

3) "Home Fire Safety: It's in Your Hands" - My fear of being set ablaze isn't unfounded according to an advertising campaign from the NZ Fire Service. A few of my favorite ads:

• Fireman #1 tells me the main cause of fire is "men, women and children." The video shows an armchair in flames. The voiceover says many people die before firefighters arrive at the scene.


• Fireman #2 tells me to remember the "Heater Meter Rule." I am to keep all furnishings at least 1 meter away from my electric heater. I've been positioning the heater as close to my face as possible without allowing it to touch the bed.
  
• Fireman #3 warns me of the dangers of cooking under the influence. "If you're having a few right now, don't drink and fry. Get some takeaways delivered instead. Cheers!" Watch here.
  
• Fireman #4 tells me to inspect my electric blanket for signs of wear. If in doubt, "have it checked by your local sparky; easy!" Watch here.

Note to self: Buy electric blanket. Schedule bedroom inspection with a sparky of the young Kiwi male variety.

Olympic Fever

I have always enjoyed the Olympics. I have always loved the Olympics. Okay, I have always been obsessed with the Olympics. Never was this obsession more apparent than during the 1994 winter games in Lillehammer.

• A poster of speedskater Dan Jansen hung on my bedroom wall. I recorded his races on VHS.
• I submitted a drawing of speedskater Bonnie Blair for publication in Sports Illustrated for Kids, and I can’t even draw.
• I wrote a play about the Nancy/Tonya figure skating scandal that I performed with my siblings. Four-year-old Michael played a very convincing Jeff Gillooly. I believe that role is what led him to pursue a degree in film studies.
• I developed my own Olympic sport. Deck Diving involved jumping into snow banks from our back deck. I took the gold of course. If I remember correctly, Nicole and Megan rounded out the medal count.
• My friends and I began a letter-writing campaign to the US Bobsled Federation to petition for the inclusion of women in the sport. Girl power! Maureen: adolescent activist. The very nice response informed me the nearest practice course was in Lake Placid, NY, and encouraged me to follow my dreams. And that is how I became the champion bobsledder I am today. In all seriousness, I was very proud when female bobsledding became an Olympic event in 2002. I watched from the couch, eating a bowl of ice cream.
• To summarize - I don't think I received enough stimulation in school.

I overshare so you can understand the depth of my disappointment when I missed the first week of the Beijing Olympics due to lack of TV. I caught the second week though, and it was very interesting to see how the games are covered in a different country.

New Zealand won 9 medals in total, which was a great showing. This includes a gold medal in windsurfing – no surprise there. The Kiwis are so proud of their athletes! Even the silver and bronze winners get a lot of press coverage. The Kiwis vote online for their favorite NZ Olympian, who is awarded a new car. The winner was Mahe Drysdale, a rower who was a shoo-in for gold but only got bronze due to illness. He probably would have been kicked out of America. During the closing ceremony, the commentators paid tribute to all the Kiwi athletes who finished in 4th place. Losers.

Unlike the US, the Kiwis are interested in athletes from other countries. Michael Phelps was a big story. They kept repeating a clip in which he is asked about a visit to NZ. He says something like, “It is a beautiful country, but I think I was there during the rainy season.” I hear ya, Mike. There were also some grumblings about America. The most popular Olympic events occurred during the middle of the day when most Kiwis (not me!) were working. They blame the US, which has conspired with the IOC to ensure those events always coincide with American prime time.

We may have been streaming the BBC feed at times, so I can't attribute all this to the Kiwis, but the commentary was very blunt. They said things like: “He really blew that one.” “She’ll be watching the next round from the bench.” “Four years of hard work down the toilet.” The boxing commentary was especially entertaining: “He’s taking more shots than an alcoholic!” “He went all Tom Sizemore on him!” “Stiffer than a box of Viagra!”

New Zealand really sticks it to China. There was some problem in which a team of 6 athletes received only 4 medals. The Kiwi reporter said, “In a country known for its fakes, it shouldn’t be difficult to find replacements.”

Correction

My mom is concerned this blog may be portraying her in a negative light. She would defend herself in the comments, if only she could figure out how to leave a comment. For the record - she is a wonderful mother and I love her very much, even if she did let me get frostbite and rotten teeth.

A quick lesson for everyone - click the "comments" link at the end of each post. Type in your comment, then click the "name/URL" bubble. Type in your name (so I know you're not a stalker) and click "publish your comment." I enjoy hearing from you!

Sugar Fix

To know me is to know that I subsist entirely on sugar-covered sugar. I scoff at baked goods, but please don’t mess with my Skittles. For all you candy lovers out there, let’s explore what the Land of the Long White Cloud has to offer.

Pineapple Lumps – I try to overlook the unappetizing name (reminds me of a turd) and give this famous Kiwi candy a fair shot. It has been sold in New Zealand since 1935. Blech, gross. It is fake marshmallowy pineapple (that does not taste like pineapple) covered in bad chocolate. Available in bar form or bite-sized lumps.

Fruitburst – Does anyone remember Bonkers?? (Yes, I will respectfully capitalize the candy names.) This was one of my favorite childhood candies (available for purchase only at Turkey Hill), but I’ve been accused of making it up. It was a Starburst-type fruit chew with a juicy yet still solid center, a little bite of heaven. But I digress. Back to the Fruitburst- It is the most similar thing I’ve found to a Bonker and it will be an acceptable substitute for the Starburst this year. I’ve only seen traditional Starburst in a few stores, but I have seen plenty of…

STARBURST SQUIRTS CRAZY BABIES!!! – I share your reaction: what the hell?? This is a gummy candy shaped like a BABY with a tummy full of jelly. The packaging shows a masochistic little tot squeezing the juicy intestines out of his own stomach. That baby really is crazy. This is disturbing on so many levels. I apologize, dear readers, you’ll have to try this one for yourselves. Cannibalism is not my game. What’s next – Starburst Squirts Zitty Teens?

Smarties Chocolate Bar – I squeal with delight when I spot this treat. I haven’t been this excited about a candy since the Pat Barrett Clairvoyant Tootsie Pop Revelation of 2007. Can you think of a more perfect pairing than Smarties and chocolate? No, you can’t. Well, it turns out that Kiwi smarties (undeserving of the capital S) are not the same as American Smarties. This is basically a chocolate bar with pieces of chocolate and M&M shell. Redundant and disappointing.

Hi-Chews – I find these almost by accident. Isn’t that how the best things in life happen? Dawn and I are at dinner and discover the restaurant, despite its extensive wine list, does not serve alcohol. Don’t worry–I hightail it out of there to an Asian food market next door for wine. I notice an interesting Japanese candy called Hi-Chews at the checkout counter. I buy a pack of the strawberry variety. Ohmygodiaminloveandmusthavemore. I return the next day to buy a pack in every flavor – strawberry, strawberry yoghurt (yes, with an “h”), blueberry yoghurt, banana, mango, kiwi, peach, grape, green apple. These last me... umm, an embarrassingly short time.

Now how did I overlook this delicious Japanese candy when I was actually in Japan?? It would have come in handy because I was starving throughout the vacation. My chopsticks skills are severely lacking. Dexterous Kelly and Kevin left me in the dust at every meal. I had no choice but to fill up on beer and cotton candy at the karaoke hall.

It's only right that I dedicate this post to my best candy-loving compadres.

• To Kristen: Thank you for introducing me to the NYC mecca that is Dylan’s Candy Bar.
• To Molly: I’ll forgive the time you led me astray with yo-gos and focus on the good times we’ve shared over sourpatch watermelons.
• To Pat: I have nothing but respect for a grown man who eats Nerds.
• Finally, to my fellow MCs: Thank goodness our parents didn’t give a damn about nutrition.

Scrabulous!

For the first time in weeks, I have an "appointment." I meet my new Irish friend Caroline for lunch. Lunch involves wine followed by shopping. We try to get into an Alice in Wonderland-themed club, but it is closed at 4pm on a weekday. Go figure. That doesn't stop Caroline from squeezing through a gate to scope out the club for the future. I'm too much of a baby (or a law-abiding citizen) to follow. She is promptly escorted out by a man with a padlock. We go to a bar to drink beer and eat fruitburst (similar to starburst). Then we go to another bar for wine and scrabble night. Booze, candy, board games... this is my kind of girl! I get my butt kicked at scrabble. Does anyone know that aa is a type of lava? Anyone?? This is all good fun for a Tuesday, but we decide that we need to really go out this weekend. I don't want to get all "single white female," but I may have to ask her to be my NZ BFF.

The Color of Money

I'm in line at the bank, and a cute teller waves me forward. Could this be the young Kiwi male I've heard so much about? He is very enthusiastic. He asks, "Where abouts is your accent from?" Most people automatically assume you are from the US, then suddenly get nervous that they've made a big mistake. They hastily add "...or Canada?" The teller asks, "What do you reckon of the notes?" I hadn't given this much thought. The NZ bills vary in shade and size depending on the denomination. I say, "Oh I like them. They're very... colorful." He seems pleased by this answer, but I feel the need to continue. "The clear cut-outs are pretty cool." I suddenly feel like Baby in Dirty Dancing -- I carried a watermelon??

The NZ bills are made of plastic. The teller shakes his head in shame and recounts the difficulty he experienced with American paper money. "I kept ripping the notes!" Just how rough is this musclebound teller?! I made it 27 years in the US without destroying my money. I reply, "Yes, these are much more... durable." Are we really having this conversation? We finish our banking transaction and he tells me that Taco Bell is what he misses most about the US. He and his mates had 10 meals there, and drove 3km each time. I, too, miss my mexican pizza.

Another observation about NZ currency -- the smallest bill is $5. Coins are issued in $2, $1, 50, 20 and 10 cent denominations. However, the prices (especially at the supermarket) do not end in round numbers. Items might cost $1.89 or $2.53. At the checkout counter, the final amount is rounded to the nearest 10 cents. The 5 cent coins were discontinued in 2006. The old 5 cent pieces are no longer legal tender, but the DMV stockpiles them for distribution to people taking their written drivers' test on a lottery style scratch-off card. The Kiwis are ever so resourceful.