Blenheim & Kaikoura

I am slowly becoming accustomed to the outdoors lifestyle, adopting the Kiwi ingenuity to make life in a tent more enjoyable. You quickly find new and inventive uses for clothing and household objects. These nights, I am literally counting to sheep to fall asleep! I pop in my ipod when I need to drown out the noise.

Click on this link to view an online album with pictures from the Marlborough region, the towns of Blenheim and Kaikoura. Play the slideshow to see the captions. The south island is beautiful, and I am struck by how quickly the landscape changes. These pictures cover the following activities:

• Vineyard tour in Blenheim - This little town of 4000 people has over 100 wineries. Cheers!
• Drive from Blenheim down the coast to Kaikoura (an old whaling town). The coast is covered in dry mountains that look to be constructed from straw
• Sheep shearing show! So much fun! This is what NZ is all about.
• Whale Watching Cruise - We saw 4 sperm whales. The whales are up to 18 meters and weigh 30 tons. One tooth weighs a kilo. Only about 10% of their body mass can be seen at the water's surface. Kaikoura has so many whales relatively close to the land because there is a huge underwater canyon (over 1600 meters deep) just a few miles offshore. The whales flip up their tails before going for a dive. When the tail slaps the water, it creates a "footprint," a large pool of perfectly still water in the otherwise very choppy ocean. It was one of the coolest things I have ever seen! We also encountered a group of ~200 dusky dolphins (present only in the southern hemisphere). They were jumping and flipping in the air right in front of the boat!
• Hike along the Kaikoura peninsula coast - the place is teeming with fur seals. They blend in with the rocks so well that I almost stepped on one. This is very dangerous because they bite.
• Notice the crayfish stand where we ate lunch. These little stands are all over the coast and have a reputation for very good seafood. I was brave and gave the mussels another shot, thinking my weekend illness was a fluke. Well, I must have some kind of allergy because the mussels won again. Imagine how lovely it feels to be sick in a campsite under the hot sun. Never again!

Tomorrow, we are Christchurch-bound!

Change of Pace

I only have 10 minutes of internet time, so let me quickly update you on the last 3 nights.

1) Last night in Wellington in a proper house with a proper bed -- dog pees all over bed during the night.

2) First night in south island in the adorable little cottage I mentioned earlier (the last night I'll have a bed for quite a while) -- At approximately 9pm, I had a delicious dinner of famous Marlborough green lipped mussels. At approximately 12am, I began vomiting every hour on the hour.

Young Kiwi male leaves to return to real life and I re-unite with Dawn.

3) First night in the tent - It is difficult for me to put this thing up by myself. The campsite is less than 50 feet away from a bunch of wild sheep that are baa-ing their freaking faces off. Ducks wander up to the tent. My feet are COVERED in sandfly bites. Think about a swarm of mosquitoes... then multiply by about 100 and you have the NZ sandfly. I wake up in the middle of the night with my feet on fire, but the sleeping bag is so tight that I can't even reach my own feet. And forget that beautiful 88 degrees I mentioned previously. It is again freezing and very windy.

This is a little bit of a shock to the system, but I'm enduring. I keep telling myself... if you can do this, you can do anything. Someday I will look back and this will be a funny story... but that day is not today.

South Island Summer!

I am now even further south in the southern hemisphere after my 3-hour ferry ride across the Cook Strait from Wellington to Picton. The bar on the 8:00am cruise was hopping! It is 88 degrees on this beautiful January day. I will be camping and eating ramen noodles soon enough, so I'm treating myself to a few more precious days of luxury. No reason to rush into this "roughing it" lifestyle. I spent today on the beaches of Picton, and I'm spending tonight in an adorable little cottage. On Saturday, I will tour the Marlborough vineyards, world famous for their sauvignon blanc (and I mean truly world famous, not "world famous in New Zealand").

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to practice pitching my tent...

Pictures from the ferry and Picton, NZ

Fly Away, As Long as You Come Back Someday

My blogging has been so prolific over the last few days to soften the blow of my impending absence. I set sail this morning to spend the summer travelling through the south island of NZ. I'm officially homeless again. I am the reluctant new owner of a flashlight, backpack and tent (safe to say that is the first time I have ever written/spoken those words). If you to contact me, mail a letter to Honda Integra, New Zealand. I have a funny feeling that it would find me.

Needless to say, internet access may be slow and sporadic over the next few weeks/months. Expect the blog to slow down quite a bit, but I'll do my best to keep it updated.

It's only fitting to end this chapter of N to the ZED with an ode to Wellywood. What a wonderful place to have lived for the last almost 6 months! I've had heaps of fun! I leave with mixed emotions because, in many ways, it was just starting to feel like home. This song "Fly My Pretties" is by a Kiwi band of the same name. It is a love song to Wellington with lyrics about loving home but needing to leave to branch out and experience new things. Spreading your wings... preserving your roots... all that good stuff.

Bird's The Word

Based on a previous comment about the American Bald Eagle, I feel compelled to pit our national birds against each other in a beak-to-beak competition. Who emerges victorious? You be the judge!

Representing the USA - The Bald Eagle

This regal bird of prey effortlessly soars through American skies from sea to shining sea. It majestically perches atop purple mountains, keeping a watchful eye over our amber waves of grain. This handsome bird commands respect. It even defeated a Viking in last weekend's NFL playoffs!

Representing NZ - The Kiwi

The kiwi is flightless "bird," basically a lump of mousy brown fur with an oversized schnoz. Everyone knows the only flightless bird worth its weight in feathers is a penguin. I could understand if the people of NZ named themselves Kiwis after the delicious fruit, but no, they named themselves Kiwis after this defenseless little creature. In one fell swoop, the bald eagle would easily ensnare the kiwi in its talons. What would the Kiwis call themselves then? Breakfast!

Learn the Lingo! Lesson 6 -Quiz Time!

In honor of NZ’s trivia obsession, I will give bonus points to any reader who can ace this Kiwi linguistics quiz. There are only 2 slang words that have genuinely baffled me thus far. I had to consult Google. I’ll save you the trouble and post the answers in the comments.

1) Define “ta.”
2) Define “arvo.”
3) This picture was taken at the local train station. Now that you know how to speak Kiwi, please tell me HOW MANY PEOPLE DIDN’T CROSS WHERE IT'S SAFE?

Learn the Lingo! Lesson 5 - Field Trip

I recognize that people learn in different ways, so perhaps some readers would benefit from a more "hands on" approach to Kiwi English. Lesson 5 takes you out of the classroom and into the “real world.”

A bench appears on the front porch out of the clear blue sky. I place a phone call.

Me: There is a bench on the porch. Do you know where it came from?
Him: A what?
Me: A bench.
Him: A bench?
Me: That’s what I said. Do you know where it came from?
Him: No. What kind of bench?
Me: (getting frustrated) A wooden bench! It looks brand new.
Him: I have no idea what that’s all about.

In-person conversation a few hours later.

Him: Oh, there’s a seat on the porch!
Me: (frustrated again) Yeah…
Him: I thought you meant a bench, like a countertop. (One of us forgot that America calls elongated outdoor seating “benches,” and one of us forgot that NZ calls kitchen countertops “benches.”)
Me: So you spent all day thinking there was a wooden countertop on the porch?
Him: Well, that’s why I was so confused.

Learn the Lingo! Lesson 4 - Adults Only

Brush up on these terms if you want to really be in the know when you visit NZ. You ain’t gonna find this in Lonely Planet! Please… no questions on how I acquired this particular body of knowledge. I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you.

• Get a root - This is something dirty, but I'm not quite sure if it means have an erection or have sex. Further investigation required. It's a tough job, but somebody's gotta do it.
• P - crystal meth
• Pissed - If a Kiwi is pissed, he is drunk, not angry.
• Tinny - $20 worth of marijuana
• Up the duff - Pregnant
• Y-fronts - Men's underwear briefs

Learn the Lingo! Lesson 3 - Essential Kiwi Terms

You must master this lesson before you are fluent in Kiwi English. This list contains words /phrases that I have judged to be most representative of life in NZ.

• Bogan – the dregs of Kiwi society; any class of derelict. A bogan is a cross between America’s stoner and white trash. It also used to describe something that is particularly budget or doesn’t meet one’s standards. As you can imagine, this word was quickly incorporated into my vocabulary.


• Bro – (refer to “mate”) The sole difference is that “bro” is used only between Kiwi men friends.


• Choice! – A popular phrase meaning “cool.”


• Cheers - a catch-all term for any situation. Thank you! You’re welcome! Goodbye! Hello!


• Dairy – Every other street corner has a dairy. It’s more like an old-timey general store than an American convenience store. The first time I heard the term “dairy,” I assumed it only sold milk, ice cream, etc. Wrong.


• Flick – A Kiwi will never send you an email or a text message. He will never pass you the butter. He will flick it to you.


• It’s alright; It’s cool - you’re welcome, no problem. Kiwis use the world “cool” constantly.


• Jandals (pictured above) -A uniquely Kiwi term for flip-flops. The word “jandal” is specific to NZ, but the footwear is not. That hasn’t stopped NZ from christening the jandal as another one of those “essential Kiwi items.” The image is used in jewelry, art, clothing, etc.


• Mate - As far as I can tell, this word applies to any human being, whether it be your best mate, your flatmate, or your waiter.


• Muppet - This is the most scathing insult the polite Kiwis will utter. "You're a muppet!" The proper response is an equally polite, "Cheers mate!"


• Flash – This word is used heaps. It most often means “flashy” or “fancy.” Check his flash new car. You look flash in that new dress. However, it is also used to describe the weather. As in – the forecast for tomorrow isn’t too flash.


• Good as gold! – A very common phrase in NZ. Has anyone in America said this since 1849 San Francisco??


• Have a think - think. NZ uses the word “think” as a noun, not a verb. A Kiwi has never thought about anything, but he has had a think. If you're searching for a verb that means "to ponder," use the word "reckon" (refer to lesson 2).


• Heaps - a lot of; a ton. Thanks heaps. I have heaps of time. There are heaps of sheep. The word “heaps” is ubiquitous in NZ!! I can’t stress this enough. It’s a perfect example of a word than all Americans can define, but no Americans ever use.


• I will do; I might do – Kiwis often unnecessarily add the word “do” to the end of phrases. In an effort to mock the Kiwis, I once said, “I don’t want to do.” I was chastised for my incorrect attempt at this colloquialism. Oh, excuse me… I didn’t realize there was a proper way to use the English language improperly.


• She'll be right. - No worries; it will work itself out. A perfect example of the Kiwis laid back/lazy attitude. Refer to Newsflash, Part XXIII.


• Sweet as! – I briefly described this phrase in an earlier blog post. It is one of my favorite bits of Kiwi slang! With the Kiwi accent, it often sounds like “sweet ass.” I feel both delighted and objectified (but mostly delighted) every time I think someone just called me “sweet ass.” “Sweet as” is the most common expression, but there are a variety of permutations. Nice as! Happy as! Cold as! After a day at the beach, a young Kiwi male told me he was sunburned as. Pick any adjective and tack on the word “as.” You sound like a Kiwi already, dear readers. Easy as!

Learn the Lingo! Lesson 2 - Everyday Dictionary

You’ll recognize that much of the Kiwi slang is the same as British slang. They also use British spellings - adding a “u” (favourite), dropping the second “l” (enrolment), and replacing “s” with “zed” (analyse). Some of the words/phrases are specific to NZ/Australia. There are even a few that are 100% Kiwi! You’ll already know the meaning of most of these words/phrases, but the difference is that Americans don’t use them in the same context or with the same frequency.

• 111 – 911 (as in, dial 111 in case of emergency)
• Anorak – windbreaker jacket
• Bach - summer vacation home. Nothing fancy, usually a small cabin on the beach.
• Bloke - guy
• Boobtube – tank top
• Boot - car trunk
• Bugger! - Drats! Darn! Shucks!
• Chilly bin - Cooler. Australians call it an eskie.
• Cinema - movie theatre
• Crèche - nursery, daycare
• Crissy Prezzy - Christmas present. Kiwis have an annoying habit of giving cutesy short names to words that don’t need to be shortened. Kindergarten is called “kindee.” Sometimes, it’s like I’m dealing with a bunch of pre-schoolers.
• Drink driving - drunk driving
• Entrée - appetizer. I’ll never make this mistake again! I was very upset when my whole dinner consisted of 4 cold shrimp. NZ menus call main courses “mains.” Go figure.
• Flat - apartment
• Flat white - a very popular coffee drink. An espresso is called a short black. A double espresso is called a long black.
• Fog off – to blow someone off; ignore
• Fortnightly - biweekly. As in, “I pay my rent fortnightly.” I didn’t realize some parts of the world still used this word. I feel like Maureen Shakespeare every time I say it.
• G’day – Good Day. This Australian greeting is also used in NZ, but it seems limited to the older generation.
• Good on ya – good for you
• Lead – dog leash
• Lollies - candy. A mixed bag of candy you assemble with the plastic scooper is called a lolly scramble. I've enjoyed many a Kiwi lolly scramble!
• Mufti – casual dress; dress down day
• Nice – I notice that Kiwis often use this word to describe food. I think Americans tend to say food is “good” or “tastes good,” but Kiwis say food is “nice.”
• Oy! – An exclamation like “hey!” Americans would never say this, but it is ingrained in the Kiwis. This is what they would blurt out if their dog ran into the street. Also common in Australia.
• Partner - The US only uses “partner” to describe same-sex relationships, but NZ uses the term to describe any significant other. You rarely hear husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend. This makes it difficult to tell if someone has a wife or just a girlfriend. Another stumbling block on my search for a partner…
• Petrol - gas
• Plasters – band-aids
• Post - mail. Post is a noun.
• Power point - electrical outlet. Each socket has an individual power switch.
• Reckon - A Kiwi will not ask what you think of a situation. He will ask, "What do you reckon?"
• Rice Bubbles - Rice Krispies. Exact same cereal and packaging, just a different name. Ditto for Sultana Bran (equivalent to Raisin Bran).
• Rubbers - rubber bands
• Rubbish - No one in NZ says “trash” or “garbage.”
• Takeaways - takeout food. In the US, you’re asked “for here or to go?” In NZ, you’re asked “eat here or takeaway?”
• Torch - flashlight
• Trading hours - store’s hours of operation
• Trolley - shopping cart
• Twink – white out; correction fluid. I think this name is more suited for an illicit drug than office supplies.
• Vege - vegetable, veggies.
• Washing - laundry. I’m not sure why people have dryers because everyone (but me) hangs their clothes outside to dry, even in the winter. I’m surprised I haven’t seen anyone using a washboard from the 1800s.
• Whiteware - home appliances
• Windscreen – car windshield

Learn the Lingo! Lesson 1 - The Accent

First thing’s first! Before you learn the Kiwi words, you must learn the Kiwi accent!

I’ve spent countless hours imitating the accent over the last several months. It’s still awful, but it keeps me entertained. The key word in the previous sentence is ME. I’m not brazen enough to put on the accent in front of a native New Zealander. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same about the Kiwis. Many people have asked me to listen to their “Bill Clinton.” Their version of an American accent is always very nasally. I sound nothing like that. The Kiwis apparently agree because I’m often told that I sound Canadian. Irritating. Just last week, a man told me I’d be able to “get away with” saying I’m Canadian. I don’t like the implication there…

This American/Canadian confusion bothers me. Similarly, the Kiwis are bothered that I can’t tell the NZ/Australian accents apart. In fact, I’m ashamed to admit that I knew a few British people for weeks before I realized they weren’t Kiwi. In isolation, I don’t think the British/Kiwi accents sound one bit alike, but everything gets jumbled together in real life. It’s funny what the ear does and doesn’t pick up. There have been many times when a friend asked me if a waitress, clerk, etc. was American. My response is usually, “Huh?” More often than not, the voice (American accent) of the person in question hasn’t even registered with me. I think my brain doesn’t recognize it as “different.” Where’s a linguist/neuroscientist when you need one?

Back to the Kiwi accent… just do your best Australian accent and you’re on the right track. There is a funny language story about my Kiwi boyfriend Jemaine Clement. When he was hired to appear in commercials for Outback Steakhouse, he spent weeks honing his fake Australian accent. Come to find out, the American film crew thought he was from Australia all along and heard no difference between his true Kiwi/fake Australian accents.

The hallmark of the Kiwi accent is the long “e” or "i" sound. “Yes” becomes “yees” or “yis.” It is very draaawn out. The word “bed” is pronounced “bead.” The animal “bear” is pronounced exactly like that tasty beverage “beer.” You’d be surprised how often this causes confusion. I never noticed how often bears up in everyday conversation. Seriously!

The workplace produced the best example of my confusion with the long “e” sound. A woman asked me a question about some leaders. I stared at her blankly. I asked her to repeat herself twice. My mind was racing… “Leaders of what?!?” Then it finally hit me. She was asking about some letters I had written.

I can’t find any internet sources to back me up on this, but I’ve observed similarities between the Boston/Kiwi accents. Kiwis tend to drop their R’s. You know what I mean… “park the car” becomes “pahk the cah.” I wonder if this has something to do with British settlers heading to New England and New Zealand. Food for thought.

Here is a funny Flight of the Conchords clip that touches on the Kiwi accent.