Lolly Cake

It takes a lot to ruin a day at the beach, but this Lolly Cake almost did it. The Lolly Cake is one of New Zealand’s many culinary delights. I have yet to meet a Kiwi who enjoys this treat, but that doesn’t stop every bakery from selling it. I suppose they rely on tourists like me to buy it for sh*ts and giggles. There may have been a dare involved.

All candy are referred to as “lollies” in New Zealand, so this dessert is basically a bundt cake with candy pieces cooked into it. You know how much I love candy, so just imagine how terrible this must be if I’m denouncing it. Really terrible!

The candy pieces are like those old-fashioned chewy orange circus peanuts. Has anyone ever liked circus peanuts? I’m trying to be less judgmental in the new year, so I was careful to take a little nibble from a corner that lacked lolly so I could assess the cake on its own merits. Also terrible. The color of the cake was reddish-brown, but I have no idea what the flavor was supposed to be. The border of the cake was covered in coconut shavings. I typically enjoy coconut, but this lolly cake was beyond repair.

(As you can see, the Welly wind does wonders for my hair.)

Endangered Species

A housebroken young Kiwi male

Swoon!

Newsflash, Part XXV

I'm becoming more and more like the Kiwis everyday. Frightening!

• I wasn't the only person in NZ keeping my eye on the good ol' USA this new year's. This silly young Kiwi male took to the Las Vegas strip to attempt a backflip in his truck. He says, "Last year we attempted what was before then thought impossible." He failed to land to backflip, so that means the stunt is still thought impossible. Right??

• Strangely enough, I also wasn't the only person in NZ to suffer a dog bite at a holiday party. I'm happy to report that my wound has healed nicely and I've learned that NZ has never had a case of rabies.

Buried Treasure

The promiscuous Kiwi female strikes again! I found these panties half-buried on Petone beach. I’ve now shown you photographic evidence of a discarded bra, panties, and pair of jeans. I rest my case. All I need is a shirt and I’ll be able to clothe the naked woman I’m eventually bound to encounter.

Bucket Fountain

This Bucket Fountain on Cuba Street is one of Wellington’s most famous landmarks. It makes good use of the abundant rain. Summer is here, but there is no shortage of downpours. Legend has it that Elijah Wood peed into the Bucket Fountain during one crazy night out while filming Lord of the Rings. I suspect that many humans have since imitated this little hobbit.

In other LOTR lore, there is a tiny little bar called Motel that accidentally turned away Liv Tyler one night. How quickly do you think that bouncer got fired? It’s one of those places tucked in a corner without a sign that doesn’t advertize, so it's purposely difficult to find. For instance, check out its useless and frustrating website. Poor Liv didn’t make the cut, but I sure did!

Inedible Jewelry

I'm so impressed with the creative gift-giving inspired by N to the ZED! I've mentioned my newfound affinity for NZ avocados multiple times, and now I can broadcast it to the world by wearing my avocado charm necklace. Cute, unique, and it will always make me think of my time in New Zealand. Thank you!!

I encourage you all to gift your loved ones with jewelry featuring their favorite foods. They even have cuff links for the young Kiwi male in your life. Perfect for that person who has everything... because I guarantee they don't have this!

Zubilee Zoo

Just kidding! Although I wouldn't be one bit surprised to encounter a New Zealand zoo that lacked animals...

This was a fun afternoon because I haven’t been to a zoo in almost 20 years. I remember the year (1990) exactly because my brother was an infant. I enjoyed seeing animals like kangaroos, kookaburras, wallabies, giraffes, and dingoes (all pictured below). However, the graphic “zookeeper says” warning signs were the most entertaining part of the zoo. I’m kicking myself for not taking photos. They featured drawings of dead animals and bloody children to illustrate the dangers of feeding the animals and putting your fingers in the cages. You better believe I kept both my candy and my hands in my pockets!

Mo Ebert

I’ve had to find new ways to entertain myself during all this holiday downtime. Thank goodness for internet piracy. This Kiwi jail is so cute that I wouldn't mind being thrown in the slammer (briefly) for my cyberspace crimes. Send bail money!

• Mad Men – You must watch this AMC show about an advertizing agency in 1960s Manhattan! It makes me grateful to live in an era where women can be more than secretaries. I’ve watched 2 seasons worth of episodes in the last 2 weeks. So begins my love/loathe relationship with the casanova Don Draper. How excited am I to see actor Jon Hamm's guest spot on 30 Rock later this season? Very. Although for a really good time, I think I’d leave Don at home and paint the town read with Joan Holloway.
  

• Seven Pounds – Don’t waste your time. Will Smith gives a good performance, but the plot is equally predictable and implausible. I mean REALLY implausible.

• The Wrestler –Any movie that features a sing-a-long to Ratt’s “Round and Round” gets 2 thumbs up from me! I never thought I’d enjoy a movie about the WWF, but Mickey Rourke is a TOUR DE FORCE!! I give him heaps of credit for making audiences empathize with such a failed and flawed character. I also give props to Marisa Tomei, who proves you’re never too old to paste on a pair of tassels. As if you need another reason to see this movie, a new Bruce Springsteen song plays over the final credits.

• Slumdog Millionaire – This heartwarming film features 2 of my favorite things: boys with foreign accents and gameshows.

• Frost/Nixon – Another very good movie with a very good performance by the lead actor. Frank Langella is a convincing Tricky Dick. However, my favorite character was a young Diane Sawyer. She contributes absolutely nothing to the movie (maybe one line?), but director Ron Howard makes certain the audience knows she is THE Diane Sawyer.
  

• The Curious Case of Benjamin Button – I enjoyed this movie, but at almost 3 hours, it could have sacrificed some quantity without affecting the quality. One review very accurately called it “a pretty man’s Gump.” It started to get a bit creepy when Brad aged into a baby. I used to be thrilled with all things Pitt, but now he and his partner, Saint Angelina, just annoy me.

Excuses, Excuses

New Zealand pretty much shuts down from Christmas until the middle of January. Businesses close; schools start their summer vacations. It’s very common for people to use 2-3 weeks of vacation time to extend their holiday through the entire month of January. As if they aren’t lucky enough to have all this vacation time, the greedy Kiwis are now trying to change Christmas! The end of December isn’t quite warm enough… can we please change the holiday to February? Boohoo!

Some shopkeepers find interesting ways to explain their absences. (And yes, I would say NZ still has genuine “shopkeepers,” just like Mr. Hooper in early 80s Sesame Street). Something tells me these excuses would only fly in NZ...

E-I-E-I-O

Here are some pictures of the charming little farm on which I spent my first Kiwi Christmas. There was good company and good food! The hostess apologized profusely for not having an American pumpkin pie. I said I was happy to learn some new holiday traditions. I changed my mind upon tasting the Christmas pudding. I’ll stick with the pumpkin pie for Christmases to come.

To my dismay, the dairy cows were kept at an off-site location, but I did see some horses! The humans were drinking champagne before noon, and it wasn’t much longer until the horses joined in the fun (thanks to grandma). The horses are pretty big, so I suppose they can handle their booze better than these drunk dogs. Puppy lushes!

The farm was located in the outskirts of Carterton, a rural town that likes to call itself the Daffodil Capitol of the World. No, I did not see a single daffodil. We took a ride into "town" to pick up beer and a razor (not to be used in combination).

Me: Wow, I feel like I just entered the 1930s.
Him: I was wondering which decade you were going to pick.
Me: What would you say?
Him: Maybe the 80s.
Me: 80s?!?!
Him: Oh yeah, I forgot you think Wellington is in the 80s.

If you think you spot a bathtub among the horses, you're correct. I see these all over NZ. I don't know.

Happy New Year!

N to the ZED is back! I know you haven’t left your laptops since late December. Sorry. Just because I’m unemployed doesn’t mean I don’t deserve a holiday vacation.

New Zealand was one the first “major” countries to ring in the New Year. I thought this would lead to all sorts of excitement. After all, it is not that often that New Zealand has the opportunity to lead the world in something. I forgot to take my own advice: “don’t expect much.”

Perhaps the atmosphere would have been different if I had been at a big outdoor event or a bar. Instead, I was in a residential home. I thought, “House parties are fun. We’ll watch the ball drop on TV.” Well, there is no ball! Not even a crystal sheep to lower from the mountain tops! We watched “party music videos” on C4 TV. There was a digital clock in the upper left corner of the screen. One minute, it was 11:59pm. The next, it was 12:00am. No countdown. No anticipation. No Auld Lang Syne. Boooring.

Someone asked if it is tradition in America to have a new year’s kiss. I said yes, but the truth is that my tradition involves meticulously timing my drinking so that I’m in the kitchen topping up the bubbly at the stroke of midnight. It beats awkwardly watching other partygoers make out and then accepting pity hugs at 12:01am. I have my pride, thank you!

On January 1, I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was still 2008. Around 5:30pm (11:30pm EST), I poured myself a glass of holiday cheer and turned on CNN international. Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin were in Times Square. I counted backwards, watched the ball drop , watched the Clintons dance, and celebrated the arrival of the real new year.

I wish you all the very best in 2009, dear readers! The new year has a lot to live up to because my 2008 was pretty great.