It Wasn't Supposed to End This Way

Speaking of Maori culture, I recently attended a Maori hangi and concert. It's basically a big show for tourists that involves traditional Maori food, song, dance, etc. To put it simply, it was all very "Disneyland" and not worth the money.

What was worth the money, however, were the 30 minute bus rides back and forth between the city and the Maori village. Our "driver guide John" (as he liked to call himself) was quite entertaining. Think "Murray" from Flight of the Conchords. On the way there, he was very adamant that we "use our imaginary" to travel back in time and turn our bus into a waka (Maori canoe). He stuck to the script very closely and made sure to announce when he was moving from the causal part of his speech to the formal part of his speech. He warned us many times: "You're about to experience a culture experience." We swerved off the road a few times and he'd say, "That's just your driver guide going into a ditch."

On the way home, the driver guides are apparently supposed to end this charade by giving special acknowledgment to home countries of all visitors. Each country was supposed to elect a representative to come to the front of the bus and lead his countrymen in the national anthem or some other native song. Sounds like fun, right? As driver guide John launched into his spiel, some people on the bus continued to talk. He asked them to be quiet and they continued to talk. The rest went something like this... he got increasingly frustrated with each reprimand.

John: "Oh I can't believe the Czech Republic is still talking.
John: "Czech Republic, you are being so disrespectful."
John: "Can the interpreter please take care of the loud men from the Czech Republic?"
John: "Czech Republic, can you please show some respect?"
John: "I'm just trying to shut down this cultural experience."
John: "I can't put an end to this cultural experience until the Czech Republic gets quiet."
John: "It wasn't supposed to end like this!"

Driver guide John then pulled over the bus to scold the entire Czech Republic. Just like your dad used to threaten on long car trips! Don't make me turn this bus around! I was biting my lip to stifle my laughter. Dawn, who was doing the same, said, "Don't even look at me." We couldn't contain ourselves.

Driver guide John had just about enough from those brutes. "If we were visiting your country, I can tell you we'd be very disresp... I mean... we would be very respectful. Because that's just how the Maori are." They finally shut up and driver guide John proceeded to shut down the cultural experience properly. When it was time for the Czech Republic to sing its national anthem, driver guide John yell out: "Come on Czech Republic! Now it's your turn to make some nooooiiiissse!!!" And that they did! The Czech Republic national anthem has about 5 verses and it sounds suspiciously like a drinking song. They're a very boisterous people.

As luck would have it, Dawn and I were the last 2 people on the bus to be dropped off. When it was just the 2 of us, driver guide John looked back at us in his rearview mirror. (To follow the rest of the story, you should know that there was a long delay when a USA rep was called for on the bus. We were debating on a good song... maybe the Oscar Mayer bologna song? In the meantime, another man got up and led the bus in a mangled version of the Star Spangled Banner.)

John: (he referred to people only by their country name) "Hey USA - do you know who that was who sang your national anthem? (long pause) He was a New Zealander... from New Plymouth."

His tone was hushed and disapproving. Think about when you pulled some antic and your parents would say, "I'm not angry; I'm just disappointed." Driver guide John was trying to shame us!! Now let me tell you something. The man who eventually volunteered to sing the Star Spangled Banner was overweight, wearing a Texas Roadhouse t-shirt, sweatpants, and a big fanny pack. I'm pretty damn sure he was an American.