But It Cuts Off My Circulation...

I’ve been quietly observing a disturbing new trend in New Zealand. I didn’t want to believe it was true, but after having my hopes dashed one too many times, I finally asked a Kiwi for confirmation. “Do men wear wedding rings here?” The response: Some do; some don’t. Women still want diamonds, but it is becoming more and more common for men in their 20s and 30s to forgo the wedding ring. New Zealand will not conform!

I think I speak for all of womankind when I say: What in the SAM HELL are you trying to pull??This makes my job soooo much more difficult. When a girl reaches a certain age (25ish), she is trained to check out a man's finger even before checking out his butt.

• Red Light - Ring on finger. Abort mission.
• Yellow Light - Tanned finger with a band of white skin; also known as a “husband’s tan.” Proceed with caution. Determine if he is newly divorced (in which case, proceed with even more caution) or if he is simply hiding his ring in his pocket for the night.
• Green Light - No ring. Full steam ahead!

NZ's refusal to play by the rules is totally throwing me off my game. Imagine a girl’s disappointment when she discovers, for example, that a man who appeared to be a promising new prospect is actually the happily married father of 6-month-old baby. Quit playing games with my heart, young Kiwi male!

And, wives of NZ, I don’t understand your game either. You must be the promiscuous Kiwi women whom I’ve read so much about. Or are you just too trusting/gullible? I’m not a particularly jealous person, but I can assure you that my (imaginary) husband will be wearing a wedding ring.