Sugar Fix

To know me is to know that I subsist entirely on sugar-covered sugar. I scoff at baked goods, but please don’t mess with my Skittles. For all you candy lovers out there, let’s explore what the Land of the Long White Cloud has to offer.

Pineapple Lumps – I try to overlook the unappetizing name (reminds me of a turd) and give this famous Kiwi candy a fair shot. It has been sold in New Zealand since 1935. Blech, gross. It is fake marshmallowy pineapple (that does not taste like pineapple) covered in bad chocolate. Available in bar form or bite-sized lumps.

Fruitburst – Does anyone remember Bonkers?? (Yes, I will respectfully capitalize the candy names.) This was one of my favorite childhood candies (available for purchase only at Turkey Hill), but I’ve been accused of making it up. It was a Starburst-type fruit chew with a juicy yet still solid center, a little bite of heaven. But I digress. Back to the Fruitburst- It is the most similar thing I’ve found to a Bonker and it will be an acceptable substitute for the Starburst this year. I’ve only seen traditional Starburst in a few stores, but I have seen plenty of…

STARBURST SQUIRTS CRAZY BABIES!!! – I share your reaction: what the hell?? This is a gummy candy shaped like a BABY with a tummy full of jelly. The packaging shows a masochistic little tot squeezing the juicy intestines out of his own stomach. That baby really is crazy. This is disturbing on so many levels. I apologize, dear readers, you’ll have to try this one for yourselves. Cannibalism is not my game. What’s next – Starburst Squirts Zitty Teens?

Smarties Chocolate Bar – I squeal with delight when I spot this treat. I haven’t been this excited about a candy since the Pat Barrett Clairvoyant Tootsie Pop Revelation of 2007. Can you think of a more perfect pairing than Smarties and chocolate? No, you can’t. Well, it turns out that Kiwi smarties (undeserving of the capital S) are not the same as American Smarties. This is basically a chocolate bar with pieces of chocolate and M&M shell. Redundant and disappointing.

Hi-Chews – I find these almost by accident. Isn’t that how the best things in life happen? Dawn and I are at dinner and discover the restaurant, despite its extensive wine list, does not serve alcohol. Don’t worry–I hightail it out of there to an Asian food market next door for wine. I notice an interesting Japanese candy called Hi-Chews at the checkout counter. I buy a pack of the strawberry variety. Ohmygodiaminloveandmusthavemore. I return the next day to buy a pack in every flavor – strawberry, strawberry yoghurt (yes, with an “h”), blueberry yoghurt, banana, mango, kiwi, peach, grape, green apple. These last me... umm, an embarrassingly short time.

Now how did I overlook this delicious Japanese candy when I was actually in Japan?? It would have come in handy because I was starving throughout the vacation. My chopsticks skills are severely lacking. Dexterous Kelly and Kevin left me in the dust at every meal. I had no choice but to fill up on beer and cotton candy at the karaoke hall.

It's only right that I dedicate this post to my best candy-loving compadres.

• To Kristen: Thank you for introducing me to the NYC mecca that is Dylan’s Candy Bar.
• To Molly: I’ll forgive the time you led me astray with yo-gos and focus on the good times we’ve shared over sourpatch watermelons.
• To Pat: I have nothing but respect for a grown man who eats Nerds.
• Finally, to my fellow MCs: Thank goodness our parents didn’t give a damn about nutrition.