Baby, It's Cold Inside

I spent 8 years braving blizzards in New England and upstate New York. I figure this winter will be cake because temperatures in the NZ north island don't dip below the 40s. I was wrong. I am freezing. No buildings in this backwards country have central heating. The temperature is fine for walking outside in a winter jacket, but there is a problem when I have to wear that jacket in the kitchen. I promised myself I wouldn't accumulate more clothes this year, but I've already purchased a hoodie, cardigan and turtleneck out of sheer necessity. Our house is getting a new roof this year and the owner is considering adding insulation. I'm informed of a pink material that helps trap in the heat. Yes, what a novel idea.

In lieu of insulation, the Kiwis rely on a number of antiquated alternatives/fire hazards for warmth. Forget the electric blanket - you can buy a full electric bedding set, including the bottom fitted sheet. It is available in waterproof form so the Kiwi youth and/or drunkards aren't electrocuted when they piss the bed. Pre-war hot water bottles are sold everywhere. Electric space heaters are commonplace and wholly inadequate. I was raised to regard these as dangerous objects. One spark could wipe out an entire block in Ashland. There is a portable propane gas heater in our living room. This concerns us. Dawn worries about long term health risks - the adverse effects of inhaling propane, the possibility of spawning mutant children. I worry about the short term risk - a deadly explosion.

I go to bed nervous that either the electric heaters in the bedrooms will torch the place or we'll be poisoned overnight because I've failed to properly close the gas valve in the living room. I suppose the latter would be more peaceful. I'd be discovered curled in the fetal position in bed, wearing 2 layers of pajamas, wrapped burrito-style in a fleece throw, buried under 3 more layers of blankets. You cannot move a muscle in bed because any surface area of sheet or pillow not already touching your body is freezing cold. I contemplate taking a lover solely for the benefit of extra body heat. Just kidding (sort of). Or maybe I'll invite Dawn across the hallway for an old-fashioned slumber party.

This takes me back to circa 1993 when my parents renovated our attic into a bedroom so I could finally be rid of that pesky little sister who kept me awake with her late night partying. The contractor told them not to heat the attic because "heat rises" and everything would be fine as long as the door stayed open. Bullshit. I wore a hat and mittens to bed every night - partly to keep warm, mostly to prove a point. It worked :) I had my own thermostat by winter 1994. I somehow doubt my whining will cause the same mindset shift in Kiwi society that it did in my parents.