Buck Nekkid

And to think that one short week ago my biggest worry was barefoot Kiwis...

That is the least of my concerns after spending 2 nights at a "clothing optional" campground. I imagined this meant a small section of the beach would allow topless sunbathing. Ok, I can deal with that. But I was not prepared for a full-on nudist camp. You see, the thing about nudists is... they're NUDE. Everything you have heard is true. These are not the people you want to see naked. Gravity and time have taken their toll. It is very awkward and you don't know where to direct your eyes. I saw only one attractive man at this camp. Sadly, he was fully clothed.

The nudist camp's damage to my eyesight was offset by the boost to my self-esteem. If you're having body image issues, I highly recommend a trip to a nudist camp. You'll feel more young and perky and desirable than ever. I PROMISE.

I heard some people complaining that the camp had put too many restrictions on nudity in recent years. Apparently, it used to be all naked, all the time. Now you have to wear a towel or sarong when moving to and from your campsite, the pool, or the beach. I've never seen such tiny or loosely draped towels. One man's version of "wearing" a towel involved putting it over his shoulder and letting it hang just low enough to cover his business. A woman walked into the kitchen wearing a button-down shirt that was hiked up to here and unbutonned down to there. In a sudden showing of modesty, she held up a slice of bread in an attempt to cover her bosom. Honey, you're going to need a whole loaf! I also saw a lot of cheesy silk robes. I'm surprised there weren't more mustaches.

I simply don't understand the appeal of being a nudist. Perhaps you want to avoid those pesky tan lines? Fine, but why do you have to read the newspaper naked? And why do you have to eat breakfast naked? Any why, for the love of god, do you have to put up or take down a tent naked? That activity requires a lot of stretching and bending. And if I was a nudist, I think I'd want to be around only other like-minded people; not next to some prudish American girl who is going to blog about my jiggling thighs. But these people really don't care. Inhibitions be damned!

The big question of course is - did I get naked? Yes I did! In the shower. Hold up... you may not realize what a rebellious action that is at a nudist camp. Signs posted outside the bathroom said: "Please do not wear clothing or togs (swimsuit) in the shower." Really?! Am I to understand that these nudists walk around in their birthday suit all day and then slip into some clothing for their showers?? Everything is backwards in the southern hemishpere.

I leave you with this piece of lyrical advice from Jermaine Stewart: We don't have to take our clothes off to have a good time, oh no.